Shellie's Courageousity

I’ll challenge a professional football player to a 40-yard dash, but jog with the residual sadness that my ex didn’t want to run with me. Or that guy that didn’t think I was physically attractive – that sporadically finds me on the treadmill. And that grown man who waited until too late and 4 states to choose me? Always on that random street I turn on at the last minute. I mean, I let them all go, but there are traces of all’a’dat in my mind. In my approach to the start line of all these promising new experiences. I moved to gottdamn upstate New York without knowing a soul. I flew alone internationally with NO WORRIES. Hell, I blog my life.

Ain't nobody got time for you Scar! Boy BYE!

And I still find myself scared to death.

My zodiac sign is fire. I am a child of the flame. Indeed, I am a lioness. In deed and in birth. I was born a Leo. And as I think about it, I haven’t truly lived as a Leo. Nerp. Nope. As courageously as Sarabi when Scar took over the pride? Maybe I would have channeled my inner roar in that instance, but to say I’ve lived consistently that way? Not my truth. Not my life. The truth hurts… *remember that chick?*

I’m more like a Gemini. Opposite sides of a similar kind of thing. Leos have courage. Lions have courage. Mufasa married a baaadddd chick!

courage: [kur-ij] \  noun

:the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

It’s really a rather remarkable word, mostly because of what it means. These days though, it’s just a word to me because it’s not this “thing” that I have. Okay, maybe I do, but not at the critical mass, in my assessment anyway, to say that “I Am Courage, Hear Me Roar!”

…well, if I don’t have it, who does? Plenty of you out in these streets! My Shellie does, too. She’s one of you. Shellie Pooh is the epitome of courageousity *I can make up words if I want…this my ish* My sister Shellie Pooh was born a Gemini. I think our zodiac signs got switched at birth. Honey chile, I think that she was inoculated with my courage vaccination, because she is it!

Shellie is brave. There is not a single thing she will not do to have the life she knows she is supposed to have. Even when this here life is showing her something completely different. She ain’t trying to hear that. Yep I said it, “that”. Especially when it comes to relationships. She doesn’t struggle the way I struggle. And if she’s afraid, she’s doing it afraid just like TR said! Because there is nothing, especially no man, that’s getting in her way.

She’s had a wealth of experience when it comes to relationships. Long terms ones. Every love seems like the last one she’s going to have. She’s so good at that. Nurturing a forever-like love. Shellie has loved some men through the best-worst-best-fcked times. I know. I saw it. Supported them. Cared for them. Upgraded them. Every one of them was made better because of her. Yet somehow, they all ended. It’s crazy to me to think that these men have found a way to lose her. But they did.

And she keeps it moving. Like she just pushed them out of the car…while it was still rolling…on the 405 freeway…in Los Angeles.

I shared with her my recent fear (okay, I share them all with her). My reluctance, or hesitation rather, to allow myself to be happy, right where I am, with what is happening to me, with the people making it happen to me. Not wanting to get excited about the person that’s taking a real genuine interest (no matter the intensity) in the things that interest me. Taking an interesting IN me.

And she said to me *with her chest*:

I refuse to sabotage any new relationship with that baggage.

Skycap?! Skycap?! Shellie keeps one on retainer just in case some bags need to be picked up.

Any one of us would allow her to have a Bernadette inspired moment and use that fire inside to burn his clothes, his car, his career and his confidence in his next life. We would have approved her break from men. We would have allowed her to be anxious, hesitant, skeptic even, about love. At least I would have allowed her that. But I don’t have that thing she has. Courage. And her courageousity will not allow her to have any time for that.

And she wants to see me be brave too. Desperately. To check my baggage, pay for the additional bag fees, and send it on that trip to anywhere but right here. To accept that I am seated in first class in life. In the same row she sits, across the aisle. To stop damn clucking! To be the thing she has full confidence that I am. Courageous.

Shellie and Sara are begging me to be brave. They wanna see it.

I hear you. I will. I'll show you brave.