I'm Not Very Smart #MyPhoneIsTho

...but I’m repetitive and redundant, so I’m sure I’ve told you that already. What was the not smart thing done on this occasion?

I went out and got something that was smarter than me.

A phone. #ugh #itwasanaccidentiswear

…and I was having a great weekend too! I spent some time poolside with friends, saw some awesome fireworks, and ate some awesome bacon filled taquitos, tacos, nachos and sushi. I went to sleep, woke up, and devoured more of that divine swine. Like literally, a weekend full of wins and no losses. Only, my phone battery would literally DIE after a phone call, or a text, or just sitting around not doing any work up in my purse, so I had to get it checked out.

I left bacon, and walked right into Hell. Also known as the Sprint Store.

It was actually a good experience. The folks were nice and though I had to wait hella long. They did at least acknowledge my presence and gave me updates about where they were in the process. That doesn’t always happen, so I’m like…well, that’s a win, kinda. And, I’m high on bacon so there’s that. I got time.

Time, but no intentions of doing any more than what I came in here to do, because I don’t like change. Well that kind of change. Give me some change? Thanks, I’ll take the kind that folds and jingles #moviereference. Let me change the channel? Great! I didn’t want to watch that anyway. I ordered a beer when I had no intention of drinking it but wanted to be cool? Great! Thanks for the martini…and not wasting the beer I wasted. I need to change my shoes because we’re going out? Yasssssss!!!!!!

Times when I avoid change like the plague…

1.    Technology OF ANY SORT.

2.    My mind. #ImAlwaysRight #ImAlsoKiddingButNotReallyWellOnMondays

3.    Contracts of any sort. Well, unless I see a potential benefit to me and me alone in the change. Otherwise, you signed it. It’s settled.

So, imagine my I’m not surprised face when the Manager just taking a look at my account gets this weird wrinkled frown as he inspects my account. This plan is old! I don’t think I’ve seen one of these…

No, you haven’t son. I had that plan before you were born. It was probably one of the first plans available from Sprint. Why have I kept it for so long? Because I paid nearly nothing for multiple lines on my account. And so what I didn’t have a smart phone?! My data and messaging were free…been free forever! How much are yours? I’ll wait. #HISareprobablyfreeImTalkinAboutTheRestOfYall

So I allowed him to give me the sales pitch because I’m going to hit a homerun. I am going to confound him with my ability to be counfounding that he’s actually going to think that having a less intelligent phone is maybe a good idea. He’ll never admit it though. They never do.

But, I wasn’t prepared for this one. He had a special pitch up his sleeve. I needed to upgrade the other phone on my account…which of course, had implications for my account. And my bill. And my phone. That currently had a battery that isn’t quite dead, but on it’s way to the morgue. And I’m in a good mood (almost bacon coma) and curious.

Well played. You’ve done what generations of friends have not been able to do. How’d you do it?

Purple. You had a purple phone. #sold

I don't even know you though. 

I’m the best kind of consumer because if it’s pretty, and it’s my definition of pretty, I want it. I only care about the cost if it’s the end of the month, or Sallie Mae blowin’ up the spot. Otherwise, I’m sold.

While the Manager was explaining the awesome benefits of the newest and latest technology I was in a purple trance! I mean that sparkle tho! I would go and look at other phones, and come back to it. Sure I didn’t know what any of the icons meant, or how to successfully negotiate making a phone call on it, but dammit it’ll be cute in my purse! So he, attempting to explain why I’d need the newer version of the purple phone (that didn’t come in purple),  says to me…

Think of the difference of the two phones like this. Let’s say you have a $10,000 car that runs okay, but needs some work, and a $50,000 in excellent shape that is safe, ready to go, runs well, which one would you invest in?

You’re probably thinking, I’d probably invest in the more expensive car, right? It runs well and it’s safe. You’re not sure what you’re getting into with that $10,000 thing, and might end up car shopping all over again. Right? I asked him what both cars looked like. I needed to know before I made a decision. One of them might be purple. #kidding #idontwantapurplecar

He explained to me, in calm, rational, kind tones the differences between and benefits of the phones, the types of awesome things they could do, and what that would mean for my plan. I mean, he even answered all of my questions. What if I decide I don’t want this? Do I still get my discount? What does the insurance cover? If the case is waterproof and water gets in it, who’s giving me my money back?  Why does this case cost so much? Can you send the upgraded phone where it needs to go? How long is that going to take? How do you activate it? Is it an easy process? How many fingers am I holding up? I’m only doing this if my bill remains the same. #bottomline

I’m sure he was thinking that I live in a cave, with no wifi connection, friends, goals in life or hope for the future. How can she be this young and this resistant to having a smart phone? Did she say she went to UCLA? #LiesToldInSprintStores Literally, 8 year olds have them and she’s like twice three times their age and is adamantly refusing to get one.

Don’t worry friends, he paid me back. I mean, there was so much shade coming from him (with a smile) all I needed was a book to read perched right nicely under it. He’d look and inspect my phone like it was a relic from the Natural History Museum. I think he was communicating with his eyes to the other employees – talking about me in blinked morse code like the ladies in the nail salons.  Like: Do we still even make these phones? [over] It looks like my father’s first phone. [over] We’re being punk’d aren’t we? [over] Noooo, she didn’t say she gets on the internet from that thing? *hella blinking, I think he’s laughing* [over]

I was ready to give up in the store. It was late. I had been in there forever. I wasn’t convinced that this was even a good thing to do. Like I’m not going to know how to use this thing. There are going to be some secret charges. It’s going to break because I’m clumsy. And none of these phones have keyboards! How in the world am I going to text without a keyboard? Right then I was ready to go. Then he says, We have pizza? Would you like some? #damnDamnDAMN #itsgourmet #ilikecheese #itsmellssogood Yes I Would!

That first night was rough yo. Rough, with a few highlights thanks to ToeToe. So apparently these phones come with headphones that have a microphone on them. You can change the damn volume on it son…From The Headphones?!?! And the kicker…you can hang up on people from that joint! And just like the Hunger Games, ToeToe volunteered as tribute! Well, she actually hung up on me first because I didn’t have the headphones in all the way so she couldn’t hear me. But that second time? Dial. Mutha. F’in. Tone. ToeToe!

Amidst the phone excavating, the phone battery was slowly evaporating. Damn, what’s the battery life on these things? Juice box? That’s about how long they last. Only the waterproof case is also idiot proof because I can’t get into it. So I get my MacGyver on and I’m like, I’ll get it open… Pass me a hammer, one rubber glove and 5 toothpicks. I was advised against the hammer. An hour later, I loosened the latch hiding the charging port.

I knew how to send a text message, but when I got the first phone call offering assistance that night, I dropped the phone. I looked down at it like What kind of wizardry is this Father God? I mean literally, the WHOLE screen changed. And OMG, I magically accidentally went to another screen while the call was active. I don’t even know how I did that. I was talking to the phone, the person on the other line, the computer and the heavens all at once. I might need to enroll at Hogwart’s.

My staff did a praise dance when they looked in my hand and saw that my slide out keyboard was no more. Like literally, a pantomime and everything. If we had all been doing #100daysofhappy in the office, my phone would have made their list for the day. Of course later on, RMF had to put my email on it because, the science of my mind hasn’t caught up with my phone, which isn’t even the newest version of the darn thing.

RIP Homey. You held me down when I had nothing.

After a couple of hours I figured out how to save pictures from Facebook on it. I have to swipe the screen 3 or 4 times to find the program app I’m looking for. It whistles at me mockingly all throughout the day knowing that if I didn’t see the notification when it first appears on the phone it’ll take me 5 minutes to remember how to get to it. I can confidently do 4 things on the phone, which primarily consist of social media, games and taking a screenshot. My friend in the Sprint store showed me that last one.

But it takes pretty pictures #ThanksShanForThePhotoTakingTips. And it’s purple.

Excuse me tho, it’s time for my daily cry. I miss my keyboard. Texting just isn’t the same without it. I feel like I betrayed my best friend.

...but who braided your hair tho?

So it all started waaaaay before UCLA. Only it didn’t become a big deal until I got there. Apparently, it’s not common for people to braid hair. In fact, it’s not something that many people can do well. And…you can actually make a living braiding hair.

What?!

My mother owes me back pay for like 10 years – at least! I’m working on her invoices as we speak! #childlaborlaws #theinterestonittho #ShesNotEvenGoing2PayMeAnyAttentionButIWillStillTry

I could say that it was coincidence that I was a student at the height of the grow your hair out and cornrows are a serious thing movement at UCLA. …and that my cousin from Southern California would be part of that movement and the Football Team. …and that many of my friends would not only be athletes, but my residents. …and among the lot of us, I would be the only one that could braid the 3 centimeters of hair they finally grew after painstaking patience and savings on weekly haircuts.

Some call it coincidence. I call it providence. *lowers Morpheous shades*

Add like 600 more beads, and well...Us!

I never thought braiding was a big deal. Especially cornrows. All of the time it took my mother to do our hair? No thanks! We would vie to be the first victim in her chair, because at least you knew that after you took a nap from the migraine she braided on top of your head and decorated with every bead God made in the cosmos, there would be at least 15 minutes left of sunlight to play in before the street lights curfew’d you home. Otherwise, you weren’t waking up from that coma till the next day… It’s Sunday? But I wanted to go play…

I honestly began braiding my hair out of, well, poverty. What first year college student living in a triple in a residence hall has um, $150 to get their hair braided? Ain’t enough financial aid in the world to keep up with the inflation of braiding pricing… And I have to bring my own hair? Naw pimp, not the kid. I’ll walk around this piece with some coulda-been-great braids before I drop that kind of cash.

And I did. Only…those braids were great! Because I knew how to braid hair.

This dude. I had to stay 1 step ahead of him. LOL

It became an empire quickly because, well, I make friends really easy. Also, my cousin told just about everyone on the Football team that I could braid hair. So there was that. Turned into the Basketball Team. Men’s & Women’s Track. Even a couple Tennis players. There were some outlier sports too because athletes stick together. Pretty much, if you wanted to get top of the line braids in the City of Westwood, you had to come through me.

It was like runnin’ the mob, yo. You HAD to know people who knew people because there was no social media, cell phones weren’t exactly a thing, and campus was huge. There would be messages on my voicemail from people, who got my number from someone who knew someone that heard about me. They would be free ANYTIME I was available, because they just HAD to have me personally do their hair. Because TJ Cummings had is name and number braided in the back of his head at the game last night, and they just needed to get their hair done by the person responsible for that. #YesWeWon #GoBruins #8Clap #YoureWelcome.

I sometimes front like I was a broke college student, but my struggle wasn’t as real as some of your struggles. I mean, some days, I would have so much money on me (in cash) that I would be nervous. Not because I thought I would be victim of a crime, but because, if I ever got stopped, how would I explain having $500 on my person in the most random collection of bills? What’s funnier is that I didn’t even think anything was wrong with that until the day the Playstation came out. I wanted one, so I went to Best Buy and bought one. I started pulling all the money out of my pocket to pay for it. The cashier gave me a look…and I realized that maybe this wasn’t the best way to do this. But they still took my money though, so there’s that.

So people knew me, but they really didn’t know me. On a campus of 35,000 people, how can you really know anyone? Even the popular students or the athletes. The probability of you running into them is not high. It’s lower if you aren’t in the same major. #TheNorthSouthCampusDivide. But word got around. Eventually, in my 4^th year at UCLA they caught up with me.

*phone rings*

     Hello? #IsItMeYoureLookingFor #LionelForALifeTime

My name is [whatever it was]. I’m a writer with the Daily Bruin. I hear you are the person who braids everyone’s hair. I was hoping I could talk to you…

    

Y’all need to quit playin on my phone! I’m not falling for this!!! *hangs up phone*

*phone rings again*

     Um, hello?

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything. I got your name from [friend I’m going to hurt badly] and they told me that you braid hair. Is this the wrong person?

    

Oh. My. *dear sweet baby Jesus* Lord. I am so sorry. I totally thought you were one of my friends playing around. We were just joking about this in Covel last week. *awkward silence* Hi! Your name again?

So this interested character came to my suite and watched me braid hair. I thought it was the oddest thing a person would ever want to do. We talk about the most random things. It’s either stupid early because the boys are traveling or really late because they are leaving study hall. I’m either in my pajamas or my duty polo. The Best Damn Sports Show Period is probably on though. Remember that fight on the show though?

He asked me questions in between parts, attempting to not disturb me. Only he didn’t know that multitasking is an important part of braiding hair. Eventually he came up with this article published in The Daily Bruin on that fateful day.

I did not know that the article had been published the particular day in which it went to print. Unfortunately, I was the only person on campus unaware that this article was in the newspaper. As in, in the newspaper in my hand, that I am currently walking around campus with. I walked into the lecture hall in the Life Science building eager to learn. Seriously…I was excited about going to class, taking notes and getting all smart and -ish. A friend near the podium looked up just as I was walking in. She came rushing towards me with the paper in her hand.

     Did you know that you were in the paper?! OMG!

Oh, yea, this guy came to interview me, but it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t even think he was all that interested in it. He seemed kinda bored.

Um, *looking strangely at me* you should flip to the back of your paper…

*whispers next to us* OMG…I think that’s her! I think she’s the one that braids hair!!

That’s when I realized that most of the people I passed in Kerkhoff Hall reading the paper were talking about me. Only, I was too busy listening to my latest playlist on my sony discman to notice that people were trying to figure out Who. SHE. Was?!

I never once thought about fame. I, up until actually reading the article in print, thought that this was a cleverly composed ruse by some of the worst funniest friends a person could have. I only went along with it because he was so damn believable!

But much to Lupita's position, the thought of charging my friends for something that I get so much more from, seems criminal. I met some of the best people on the planet in those weekly 45 minute sessions. People like Poli who never refused my endless need for hugs or pictures. Or BFletch to share music and rides to Church with. Smoke? I mean c’mon, his mother made me a sweet potato pie! Or the UCLA sprinter’s at the time who ran up to Saxon Suites when they saw this dude I was talking to with another chick in Sproul Turnaround. Boy was he surprised when he got up the hill later that night! He obviously was unaware that they were National Champion level runners #OhOkay. I could not believe that I could run, and those women…each one of them…made me feel, whole, beautiful, and part of their championship team. I once confided in JBell about this resident that was making my life misery in Delta Terrace. It was really just to vent to someone unrelated to ResLife. The subject of my vent happened to walk by us. I pointed him out and continued to talk. JBell turned around to catch up with him and have a conversation (eeeeeek!) – I stopped him though #theyareprotective #hewants4braidscausethat’sgangsta #LongBeach. And my very little really tall brother TJ. Oh how we loved me! Even my best friend. It was at one of his regular appointments that he began to peel back his layers and reveal just who he was.

How can you ask a person pay for that? All the love, the laughter, the secrets, the hopes, the wishes for our unknown futures, the plans…all of the tender memories exchanged freely in those moments. I know things about these people that they probably haven’t told anyone else. The words flowed effortlessly because that was a safe space. All of that has absolutely no price. And even if it did, the only thing that would have done me any good was the love. And I am still reaping the residuals of that love today.

And me. I remember finding me in those moments too.

...and, there was that one time where they helped me with me homework...you know, they did kind of let me take pictures of their braids, me braiding their hair and whatnot for the African American Art class that I took. (Remember that Anna?!) So there's that.