I don’t even have to continue, right? You feel me, rogue. So, when it comes to the big sick(s and shut in’s) and totally infirmed, and absolutely accessing health benefits, I’m like a ghost. Don’t get me wrong, I take them to the Lord in prayer, and check up on them, but I ain’t sh!t, so there is always that. I mean, what in the hell do you say.
Aye dog, I heard you were sick. What happened? Awe nothing, I just
got cancer and like a few months left to live. Really? That’s
crazy?! I can’t believe it?! I‘m so shocked! I had no idea anything was wrong!
Right.
That person probably had no idea that something was wrong, and well, didn’t feel
like broadcasting it to the entire omniverse, but you found out, because that’s
what people do, and it’s not wrong that you found out and want to show that you
care, but what you intend doesn’t always have the impact you desired. So, with
that, I keep the phone calls to nil.
The
last thing I want to do to someone going through, is to have them comfort me.
You know, the way I did some humans (being totally human) when they found out
ole’Poochie was pressing a dying pillow. Everyone was so sorry for me. And
wanted to hug me for them, not for me, because I really didn’t want to be
touched, and it felt hella rude to give them a thizz-faced-heisman, so I hugged
back. Because clearly they needed it.
Where
am I going with this? I’m glad I asked, because I can go on and on. A
sisterfriend messaged our circle of sisterfriends to tell us that one of our
friends from grad school was in hospice. Our group chat is usually littered
with memes. We used words to describe our replied emotions. Actual. Living.
Words. Exactly – that’s how big of a shock it was. There was no time to type
anything in a search bar or scroll through images.
Included
in the message was an address to the hospice location. I looked at the group
chat, then scrolled up to the address, opened up a google search, and typed it
in. I located a phone number and dialed it. The woman transferred me to the
actual location, and they transferred me to her room. It wasn’t until that
moment I realized what I was doing. I almost hung up the phone, but the way my
everlasting soul is set up, I don’t need no’mo’ red marks – so I stayed on the
mainline (to tell’em what I wanted…which I wasn’t sure of, so there was awkward
to follow).
My
friend was resting which was a save for real. I asked that a message be passed
along that I called to tell her that I love her (I improvised) and that she was
in my thoughts and prayers (not the ones we give after school/mass shootings
and such, actual ones). I shared a quick memory of always seeing her at
conferences post-graduate school. If yall think I’m loud, let you get in ear or
eye shot of her! That country accent will sail across the conference center,
smacking you right in the heart. If love has anything to do with being
remembered, then I was definitely loved by her – she always remembered me,
smiling.
I
ended the conversation with
Thanks so much! Have a great rest of your day! because that’s
what you tell friends and family and staff in hospice centers when someone is
lying in a bed, yet holding on. I can’t be made after God’s complete image and
likeness doing mess like that. Sheesh. My head hit my desk in horror. Father,
God. Like, who raised me??
That
evening I bought a card and printed a photo of us to send to her – my way of repenting
for my awful salutation. That next morning I messaged my sisterfriends that we
should maybe send some flowers from us, had to be like 8:30AM or so. Around
4:00PM that same sisterfriend shared that our friend had fought the good
fight and ha[d] gone home to see her heavenly and earthly father.
My
God, today.
 |
| GRRRRRR! bih! GRRRRRRR!! |
I’m
not sure why I’m even writing this. Sure there are the obvious takeaways… Give
folks they flowers while they yet alive *in my old Auntie
voice*
… Tell the people you love that you love them and mean it … Don’t wait on
tomorrow, do it today … All of that stuff about living full and doing it well
with so much intention. Like we did every conference meetup. There was a fun
photo, bear paws, and a
GRRRRR! because we absolutely, positively, always did it…like
Big Bears! #UCA
c/o2006 #DoItLikeABigBear #GRRRRRR
I
just can’t help but wonder why I called her. It was specific, deliberate, and
very intentional. It was so unlike myself. While it felt natural, it was completely uncharacteristic. I imagine the few people I told only believe me because I am so messed up about it. So many people who passed on before her, why was it that I
called her? I imagine some will say it was for some greater good, or that I did
some noble thing, or that it was a blessing to her. Even that it was for my own
personal/emotional growth and development (because why am I not done with that
already?!). Sure, all plausible.
I just don’t (won’t) believe it.
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