My friend revealed to me one
of his fears. Getting older. I thought, of all the things in the world, why
would that be his fear? He is physically strong, mentally strong, and is always
in such a good mood. And honestly, he doesn’t look his age now, so by the time
he gets to the age he fears, he’ll look 20 years younger than it.
So, I did what I do best. Gave
him all the reasons why he shouldn’t fear getting older. As I spoke to him, I
realized, I was trying to convince myself to be unafraid. Because I fear it
too. But for far different reasons.
Death. I am afraid, because
the older I get, the more I have to face the death. People are leaving me in
this life, yo. And since no man knows the time, it’s always going to be a
surprise, a shock, a something that’s so unexpected, that I will almost always,
not be ready.
And I certainly wasn’t on this
day.
Someone I did not spend a ton
of time with, went on to see the King. True to my fashion, I bottled it up and
went directly to the silence of my mind #hiding #BuildingWallsInside
#KeepingTheWorldFromComingIn #InTheShadowsFeelingBlue. You
would have thought that one of my cousins passed away. Like one of them, I woke
up alongside Christmas morning opening presents in Texas. I felt energy leave
my body. Like, I actually felt it leave. I weighed less. And I knew in that
moment that I would miss the heaviness for all the rest of my days. I sat in my
office, at the computer stunned. Knowing that I should probably grieve
but not sure what exactly that meant in the moment.
See, if you knew this man,
then you probably felt some of what I felt. Regret for not spending more time
with him. Pissed that you didn’t reach out that one time he randomly crossed
your mind. Wondering if you were almost as kind to him as he had always been to
you – knowing that he was indeed more kind, but hoping you were almost as good
in return. And why? Why him? What in the world did he do that required his
life?
Then, you realized that you
answered your question. Without knowing a single of his flaws (I
know that they were there, without knowing a single one of them) you
know that he was good anyway. I have literally never witnessed this man in a
bad mood, speak a cross word, or take a picture without showing his pearly
whites. Literally all of his smiles have an ageless joy in them! Wise. Smart.
Happy. Giving. Encouraging. He always knew the right thing to say. Like Hell Naw! when I asked him if he was
going to ice skate with us… Loving to a
fault. Especially us Black folk. Yessir, he loved his people. Our lives really
did matter to him, no matter what we did with them. In the time that I knew
him, I never needed his help, yet I am absolutely certain that if I called him
in need, he would have been there. How crazy is that? To know that to be true. #That’sFaith
#BelievingInTheUnseen
#GodRevealsThingsToMeAsItypeSometimes
#There’sABlessingForMeInThisBlogSomewhere
And then to know all of that
is gone. That this life is less because he is no longer with us. That because
so much was given to us in one man, that much more is required of us. To
remember him. To speak of him. To be kind to someone else, because we cannot
return the kindness to him. To love others who don’t deserve it, because he
cared for us when we were undeserving, and kinda ungrateful. Because much like us children of (great) men, we
friends of (great) men have a legacy to continue. We have to be more because
they were. Everything about that is hard to do, because they’re not here to
encourage us along the way.
We have to do it anyway.
Someone once asked me who I
was. And without thinking I replied, I am the sum of all
the goodness, all the kindness, all the love that others have bestowed upon me. This
started with my parents, creating the vessel and showing me the first acts of
love. It continued with family, with friends, and with the amazing people I
have met in these 30 some odd years.
And him. Some of who I am is who he was. And so it seems that I horcruxed a little bit of him too, like Daddie's bible.
I gotta believe You know what You’re doing Lord. I just gotta. I’m not sure any of this will make any sense
if I don’t believe You know what You’re doing.
Rest well. I just gotta
believe that my friend is resting well. Dwell well, Reg. Dwell. #WellDone Absolutely goodness, and mercy, followed him...all the days of his life.
No comments:
Post a Comment