Me & My Hatchet #DontTellTheLoraxWhatIveDone

So, remember that time I told you that I did yard work? I know, I know, it’s still hard to believe. If I were you, I wouldn’t believe it either. But, we all know that it’s so unbelievable that it’s totally possible that it happened. Because, me.

Anyway, part of the yard work was a tree stump. It was a fruit bearing tree that wasn’t doing its job, so last year, Uncle chopped it down with a chainsaw. Left a lowly little stump. The plan was to do all this stuff we just did last year. But, nobody really has time for that. So it just kinda stayed there. While we paid no attention, it grew back. It was like, HA! Got’Em! Thought I was dead, hunh?

I did. He got me. But see, I got this hoe. And it’s hella loyal, even though the screw that held part of it together isn’t. You’re going down buddy.

And just like science, all those stray branches that grew back were gone. Got’Em.

As I sat in my chair looking at my handy work, pleased at the job I’d done, I realized that in a year’s time, I’d be doing this again. Who in the world has time for that?? Right. So as I contemplated the various experiments, I realized that, right?? Just dig up the stump and pull it out. Can’t grow if nothing is there.

What on Earth could possibly help me do that? *thinking, thinking, thinking* Ding! Got’It! An Axe! I’ll just go to the tool store and buy and Axe, then chop it down. Down Goes Frazier! Yasss! This is an awesome idea. Straight up lumberjack that stump, bro.

Until Shannnn overhears this idea. While the science made logical sense to me, she was thinking that Axe < Hatchet. So, yea, something with similar power, with dissimilar size and capacity to decapitate me. I hate when reason gets in the way of my sound science.

You just don’t know how happy I was! I bought a tool! All by myself! I could not wait to get out of the car and get to chopping. I had a game plan and everything. I wacked at the thickest part of the stump to see what I was working with. Fairly sharp. With enough power in the swing of my arm, this thing wasn’t going to be here long.

And away I chopped. Until I got interrupted.

A young fella saw me choppin’ away and figured that I was just too pretty a lil’lady to do that. He’s experienced with a hatchet so he’d take care of it, no problem. And just like that, all my science gone to waste.

I sat and thought about that moment. Had that been my Daddie, or my Uncle or even Running Hubby or Conference Hubby, I would have went inside, made a martini and watched from the window. But this guy right here? As spoiled as I am #LevelBrat, I was offended at the suggestion that there was something about me that would cause you to even engage in such a conversation. The gottdamn nerve! #YouDontKnowMeLikeThat #YouRealizeImHoldingAHatchetRight? Wheeettt are you doing? I got this. This here hatchet is MY here hatchet. I’m offended at the suggestion that you think I can’t do this, or that you think I shouldn’t be doing this. Humph.

I’m spoiled. Not even 48 hours ago, Uncle was commenting on his handy work. He says spoiled, I say well taken care of. We agree that I’m right when he’s not around. If it’s a task that requires some form of hard labor, I don’t have to do it. More often than not, it’ll be done and they’ll tell me about it. I love this arrangement, like really I do.

But, I’m not sure I want to have this arrangement with everyone. I think, perhaps, I don’t want to be spoiled by everyone. If you don’t know me, you can’t do these types of things for me. The difference between you (stranger) and them (Daddie, Uncle, Hubbies) is that they are fully aware of what I can do. They know that in a pinch or unsupervised, I’ll get the job done. They also happen to be aware of the fact that they have conditioned me to expect them to do it if they are close. Because, people have jobs and that’s the way our lives are set up.

All I wanted to do what hatchet away at that damn stump.

After he finished doing a half ass job, because he didn’t sit down and work out the science, I went back outside. I rolled up the grass around the stump and cleared an area. I, using science, dug up around the roots and exposed them. Then I went about my way hatchet’ing the roots and pulling them up. I figure, the base of the stump is too thick, so if I dig up all the roots extended in the ground, it’ll have a hard time growing back so fast. Then, I could get some tree killer stuff from the tool store and weaken it. Then, when nobody is looking, buy an axe because let’s be honest, it’s waaayyy cooler than a hatchet, and get to it.

That tree got me the first time. That tree stump has no clue of my capacity for vengeance. Your days in my backyard are numbered.

And um, do me a solid and keep this between us. I’d hate for The Lorax (or my Uncle...or hell, any of those dream killers our there) to find out. You know, him all speaking for the trees and whatnot.

I don’t have time for that.