Really Bad Life Choices

Why am I even here? You know that’s a great question. I’m here because I’m the Runleader and I love my running crew. Where’s the crew? Funny you should ask. Well, Alicia Keykey is here running with one of her homeys. I’ll catch up with her another time. Rest of the crew? Well, Pearl ain’t great, so she’s not coming, MY (running)Husband didn’t sign up because he doesn’t listen to me which sometimes makes our (running)marriage work #donthatehowwelove, and Angelica. Well, she’s on her way. Let’s just hit her up and see where she’s at…

Oh. You’re injured? You’re not coming? As in, the only reason I was doing this race was because you wanted to run it. Being, that I’m out here, with all these old wrinkly white people – for nothing? You did not have fun last year! Okay, well you kinda did, but… No. Just no.

I hate my friends. But, I love medals, so I mean, there is a silver lining. And who knows, maybe I’ll run into (not literally on today) someone I know and we can have some fun. Okay, not the end of the day. Let’s do this.

(Not Really) START: Oh, this isn’t the start line? You let me into the race about 5 blocks up from the start. *devil on my shoulder*: GURL!!!! Start running now! Literally nobody will know! Get that good 12K time!

*walks briskly to the actual start line*

(Actual) START: I should have just started running. I’m never going to be great… *le sigh*

Mile 1: San Francisco is disgusting. And, so is this race. Why am I even here? Oh, yea, Angelica. #ThatPartTho

Mile 2: You know the messed up part about this race? You don’t even finish where you start. I got to make all of these miles back up trying to get home. *approaches Hayes Hill*

Mile 3: That damn hill. Why must we not only be tortured by this hill, and what seems to be the best party ever?! OMG! If they didn’t look do drunk, dirty, disheveled, and destitute, I might try to stop and get my poorty on.

Mile 4: Yea, this was a pretty turrible idea. All of these wrinkled nekkid bodies. Was this what the 60s were like? #80sBaby

Mile 5: It’s cold. I want to go home. This isn’t fun at all. Why do I do this to myself? I’m not very good to me. I should seek help. Or wine. Seek wine to help.

Mile 6: This. Is. My. Jaaaaaammm! Yo, don’t sleep on The Band Perry! Yasss Girl! #ButterscotchHair #FirstComesTheInkThenComesTheRing *just forgot everything I thought at mile 5 and starts getting my entire life on the pavement*

Mile 7: Yes little kid. I saw that too. I know what you’re thinking. He looks like/reminds you of your grandpa and you don’t know how to deal with that. You’re contemplating your relationship with PopPop now seeing this old guy sans clothing. The PTSD you’re going to experience from this will last you a lifetime.

Mile 7(0.4): Gurl, keep looking forward. Don’t even make eye contact with the people giving out the medals. You can’t clothes-check everyone.

         

Finish: Go. Home. Now. This is just bad. I’m not sure this was even worth it. Look at this basic booty butt medal?!?! For all I just had to see? For shame Zappos! For Shame!!!!!

I’m pretty pissed at this point. This medal is so basic, I’m not sure I’ll ever intentionally show it to anyone and feel any sense of achievement. It’s turrible…just turrible. I’m sure this is going to be one of the worst #MedalMondays ever because I’ll have to show it.

I’m never doing Bay to Breakers again. And by never doing it again, I already told my friend in Arizona that I’ll let her know when the super cheap one-day registration comes out so we can do this race together.

You know, being the Runleader is a thankless job sometimes.

#15ThingsIn2015 Challenge

5 new states (Louisiana – 1 down, 4 to go)

4 new friends (OldieButNewbie #RunningHubby; My Child – 2 down, 2 to go)

3 new running events (Shamrock Half; St Charles Road Race – 2 down, 1 to go)

2 back-to-back running events

1 Half Marathon PR

Mandar #itshisthing

You know, maybe if you actually typed in the address to the start location in your phone *instead of always texting will driving #YeaImPetty* then perhaps we’ll get to where we need to go IN time…

I don’t need no GPS. I have mandar.

Mandar? *meanest side eye every given before 8:00am* WTF is Mandar? I’m not doing this with you this morning. We better not be late.

We’re not going to be late. I know these streets… Look, we’re here…

*mumbles under breath* Lucky ass…

I was ready to go in! Like seriously. I sent you all the information you needed. All you had to do with type an address into the map application on your smart phone, and let it navigate us. No, that’s not the easiest thing to do. The easiest thing to do is to not even look at the street address to the meet up spot. Nope. Just know the general area of the race location, and drive until you get there – even into construction, because there’s construction on the streets you would have taken.

I can’t with this dude. But I have to. Because fate somehow selected us for each other. #IChooseYou #WeAlreadyKnowIMakeBadChoices … And today’s choice is no different. Well, it’s not a bad choice, but it’s ill-advised like a mofo. You know there’s a 5k option, right? You know that’s NOT what we’re doing, right? Yup. I’ve talked CJC #TheWorldsOkayestRunner and (running)Hubby into running the 12K. Because she can’t complete her #iRunTheBay Challenge on some punk ass 5K and I won’t let him do it because he doesn’t listen to me anyway, so he’s never quite sure of what’s he is signed up to run. I’m not a very good friend.

We make it. I have to admit it. But like I’m going to say it. Whatevs. We are in line with CJC ready to take these school buses across the bridge. Because the awesome thing about the 12K is that you run across the Golden Gate. Okay, I take it back. Today is going to be awesome. My first time running the Golden Gate Bridge.

Wait. Isn’t the bridge high? Meaning, we’ll have to run UP to it? Meaning, this really isn’t a flat course? Like at least the first few miles of it? FFAAAWWWKKKK! Did I tell yall just how much I hate hills and inclines? I don’t want to do this. I really don’t.

And while I am pondering the fate of my calf muscles…

So, just like San Jose…we’re going to run together?

You realize you left me? At the end. You took off. We didn’t finish together.

We’re running together! I’m not going to leave you! I promise!

     

      *looks over at CJC…she knows these are lies*

*CJC shrugs*

START: Sure. We’re going to run together. Sure we are #LiesToldByRunningHusbands

Mile 1: This fool didn’t even pace with me to the Mile 1 Marker. He ain’t loyal at all. I can’t.

Mile 2: I should have known better. I need to read the elevation maps of these courses before the race. Well, maybe I shouldn’t. No way would I have done this knowingly. #ShouldaDidThe5K

Mile 3: Okay, fine. This view from the bridge is beautiful. Lemme get these good selfies in!

Mile 4: What does this truck say? You’re Almost There Almost where? Almost finished? Man, yall keep on lying to me. First my (running)Husband, now this. #CantWin

Mile 5: I’m so hungry, Lord. Please be a banana from a kind stranger. Maybe this motorcycle club gentlefellow holding up traffic so I can pass by slowly has one. No? You don’t? Keep running? Eh.

Mile 6: That fool (read: running husband) better be at the finish line with food. Or. Else.

Mile 7: And a taco. With bacon on it. Or do I want pancakes and a grape soda? Nawww – Eggrolls! Yasssss! With some sushi on the side? All of that. Running baby (read: stomach cramps and hunger pains) is kicking inside.

Mile 7(0.4): A gottdamn hill right before the finish? Yall ain’t right. This is cruel and unusual punishment! Making me earn these medals and miles hunh?

         

Finish: Not even a bottle of water for me. I can’t with this dude. Yes, I’m thirsty! Imagine me being thirsty after, I don’t know, running??? O_o

But CJC is smiling from her Calf muscles to Coast! That medal looks GREAT on her! I could be more proud, but my legs hurt, so I’m like 85% proud and 15% in pain. Nothing like setting out to achieve something, and doing it…and doing it well! She gets out on this pavement and finds a way to be great every race. Her smiles, her hugs, her unwavering support of everyone, and her commitment to herself. This is the stuff my running crew is made of.

But that’s running for you. Something about it changes you. I think the running crew is pretty secure in the thought that we are conquerors…that we can achieve great things. But something about THIS thing – running – brings out another dimension to it. At least for me anyway. Perhaps because there was a time when I really believed I could not do this – then I figured out I could, that every running achievement, no matter how small is mind blowing? 13.1 miles was once impossible – and only impossible because I believed that.

Anyway, you love us. We’re the most amazing running crew full of serious (read: LOL, that was hella funny to you too?) athletes you know.

And even though he didn’t have water for me, he made sure our running baby got something to eat. I suppose he’ll get a pass this time.

#15ThingsIn2015 Challenge

5 new states (Louisiana – 1 down, 4 to go)

4 new friends (OldieButNewbie #RunningHubby; My Child – 2 down, 2 to go)

3 new running events (Shamrock Half; St Charles Road Race – 2 down, 1 to go)

2 back-to-back running events

1 Half Marathon PR

Death Of Taco Tuesday #Race9Medal8

Um, it happened.

So the homey Alicia maKeykey (Eboogie) has told me about this amazing race that she does in San Francisco each year. Bay To Breakers. It’s just the bee’s knees, right? Right. All the kids are running it, right? Right. You know you want a shiny medal, right? RIGHT!!!!

One groupon later, I’ve signed up for my 8^th medal of the year. It was actually perfect timing. This was a great run to do as I prepare for my first half of the year in just a couple of weeks. As I arrived to San Francisco via the scariest Caltrain ride I’ve ever been on (yea, that’ll definitely be another post #socialjusticework), I found my way to the starting area for the race.

Pretty much sums up my Bay To Breakers experience.

And a man was hit in the head by a taco. Well not a fully grown up taco with all the fixin’s, but a fledgling tortilla shell with all the hope and promise for the future. Why Lord?!?!?!?! There’s a Taco Tuesday somewhere who needed that perfectly round corn tortilla to make some person’s happy hour dreams come true. Like me. I needed him to grow up and be great. A really great fish taco with that delightful cabbage & pico salsa.

I turned away, to mourn the loss of that fish taco that would never be, only to see the most disgusting naked man ever made. Eeeeewww. It was just hanging there. All defeated and deflated. All pale and pathetic. I wanted to tell him that he should probably get his prostate checked, because that’s the Christian thing to do, and it was Sunday…but I had no hand sanitizer, so yea, there’s that.

And Self said to Myself, “Myself, that’s probably the worst thing you’ll see today. After “The Hellified Caltrain Ride”, “Death of a Taco”, and “50 Shades of Old & Gray Genitalia” right over there, there will be nothing else that will ruin your race experience.”

And Myself replied to Self, “Self, I think you’re right. Let’s do this!”

I was like, “Yall trippin…” as two men passed me in kilts. #noshirts #justskirts #whereareyourdamnpanties 

START: All these innocent tortillas. I’m so sorry… *runs over them*

Mile 1: This isn’t so bad. I mean, SF is not flat, but so far this first mile has been a breeze. Oh that’s a penis. Oh, Okay… *runs faster*

Mile 2: Dammit! How many of these pasty pale things am I going to run into?!?!?!?

Mile 3: FUM Challenge? I got a regular race entry. I did not pay or sign up for this Hayes Hills Challenge. I am not here for this hill. Which way is the regular race route? Oh, there isn’t one? We all have to go up this hill? Damn.

Mile 4: Ion even know where I am right now.

Mile 5: The Church of 8 Wheels!!! Yall better get it out here! Yea, it’s about time for me and Meesh to go roller skating again!

Mile 6: OMG! What a beautiful waterfall. How have I never seen this?! #GoldenGatePark #Selfie

Mile 7: Hey! Did you know that you’re running a race? I just thought I’d let you know. I mean, all the photos are great, but the purpose is to finish. FYI. As in, start the race, run the race, and finish the race.

End: Oh. I just went from one side of SF to the other. Breakers meaning coast. Yea. That. #ImSooooSlowSometimes

Bay To Breakers was one of the happier runs of 2014! Everyone seemed so excited to be there. So much preparation into their race day outfits… Costumes. Friends. Laughing. Even the Nekkidness. They prepared *why Lord* to be nekkid. And though so many innocent tortilla shells met a fate worse than hot frying oil, and I’ve seen so many things that I will have to google later to understand, it was done in the name of running…for fun! I don’t know about 2015 though.

This Race: 12K, Bay To Breakers, San Francisco CA

Medaled Miles to date: 35.07 miles

Total Raced Miles to date: 48.17miles

6 Medals To Go ǁ 57% Complete