Maro Being Messy #polo

So, I’m on new technology again. Ugh. I got bullied by a #YAMP into joining Marco Polo. Then, I bullied some other people into joining it because why should I be the only one to suffer? I was okay with that being the extent of my polo’ing. But, because technology is far more advanced than me, er’body and they mama’nem on Marco Polo got a notification that my petty ass was “finally” on. It’s a celebration, bishes – I guess. *shrugs*

...and no, i don't have an iPhone #DriodNation

Anyway, I get polo’s and whatnot. And summa’yall get replies that look kinda like Tami Roman’s bonnet chronicles because before I realize I’m on camera (by my own doing) I have already assumed my natural form. My bad, yall #WhoRaisedMe?.

Well, my running-mate-middle-name sake sent me a polo. Scratch that mate part; she’s running #inspiration #goals, and also my middle-name sake. She sent me a polo (am i using that right? is it called a polo?), and we gotta work through this one together. Here is an excerpt:

“I love this. I love being able to like talk to you and stuff. I’m so glad we, you know, made this connection, years ago – and you know sometimes, it takes a while for things to come full circle or whatever, but you know, I’ve always felt like, you know, you had this thing about you, this positivity, and this, um, this really, this confidence and this “can do”, and that-that’s something that, I really – really like and I’m attracted to in people and so, you know, high five… *high five in the camera*”

She gave me a high five yall *insert thug tear here* She said I had a thing, yall #MamaIMadeIt ...and then she continued on with the other parts of her life that included the humans she deducts on her taxes, with the human she married, and their dinner plans. Because, I think she subconsciously knew that me listening to words like that might make a player like me feel emotional and whatnot. Which ain’t the best look, because we don’t do feelings with recorded proof.

I have all the questions now, for which I have to write an answer because that’s also my thing.

Do you know how people experience you? Like for real. The people you know, interact with, meet, etc – can you say, that you know for certain how they experience you? And, if you do happen to have that information (like I just got from her), do you experience yourself the same way? Are you the same way you are to people as you are to yourself? If not, are you better? Worse? And why? How do you feel about that? Are you even able to answer that honestly?

I think I know how people experience me, but not in a way that I hold in my conscious mind. Does that make sense? I get feedback from people who are in my life, which is typically like a B/B- or something. I get a passing grade, but I don’t feel like I’m on the Dean’s List or anything. Remember, the world could come undone and this could be our last minute on Earth and I would still never share my sweet potato cookies, so like, I’m not exactly the A student I think I am.  I own this about myself. I accept me, flaws and all. #ImmaTrainWreck

I absolutely do not experience me in the way my running-inspiration-middle-name sake experiences me. Positivity? Can-do? Confidence? Girl, bye. Something so attractive that I seek myself out? C'mon, sis... I’m not nearly as good to myself as I am to her and that makes me sad. She and I made a connection almost a decade ago, and well, I made the connection to me long before that. Look how I treat myself. I have to force mental and verbal affirmations of goodness, and positivity, and love to myself! I feel like I’m lying to me when I do it.

My first thought was to not believe her. Isn’t that crazy? Who just sends people messages packed with words they really don't believe (well, yeah some people do, but that’s another post…also #WhoRaisedThem?)? Sure she got Marco’s messy ass notification that I was on Polo like er’body and they mama’nem, but she definitely didn’t have to do a polo on me (i think i did that wrong). She’s a full-time woman, mother, wife, working professional, and running badass – who has the time when you have little humans to oversee and early morning runs/workouts to beast?

I feel so much gratitude for her though, and her words. For her being, for her life, and for the way she made a little room for me in it on her commute home. Maybe this was just a really long thank you to her, and to that #YAMP who made me get on the app. And that petty ass friend who sent me a polo reminding me about how I lament joining new technologies - because yall, I really don’t wanna get lost in the Matrix, have we learned nothing from Neo??? – but I always come around and I love them.

Maybe this was just a really long thank you.

…and homework.

If you are anything like me, then you’ve probably got some work to do because God ain’t through with you yet, on today (because i love you, Bethany). Find someone in your life who does that thing I apparently do for my running-inspiration-middle-name sake. Call them, send a polo, type a ridiculously long text (and pray they don’t respond back “k”), or do something archaic like tell them in a face to face encounter. Reveal to them the way you experience them, and how it makes you feel.

I promise what happens next is nothing short of magic. It’s better than Disney. Trust me. I did the research. Waiting on my grade to post.

Uh, I think you forgot about one… #Race19(No)Medal18

Well, I did not forget. I actually registered myself and my child that ALWAYS GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! I mean, it’s another state and a Christmas themed race! We are going to Jingle Our Bells for a great cause! Medals!!!

At least that’s what she led me to believe when she text me about the race options in Seattle. I should have known she didn’t read the fine print. Medals for those the runners who place in their age group, and uh, yall know my life. You’ve been reading the blog. There’s none of that.

But we registered anyway. It’s all in good fun.

…and that was the extent of what we did. I don’t know, but something about this one always gave me the feeling that it wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want to admit that though. No medals. Registered a couple of weeks before the race. No packet pick up option #MailOnly. Did not receive my packet in the mail before my flight (with my bib and timing chip)…or race tee. And nothing about the three days spent before the race had anything to do with the fact that at some point we were going to run/walk/drag our butts 3.1 miles.

And oddly enough, I am okay with it. Sure I would love to be able to say I got another running event in, in another state. That would have made for a great blog post. I mean, you already think I’m the most amazing person you know…that would have just made me like, like, like Jesus’ Administrative Assistant. I woulda been great yo. Filing blessings and taking yalls’ prayer messages.

But it wasn’t meant for me. If the running has taught me anything, it’s that I am going to miss the mark. It’s that every challenge isn’t mine to overcome the first time around. And above all, no matter the outcome, if you show up again the next day, something better might be there.

The night before the race I just knew we were going to run, my baby girl that ALWAYS GOT SOMETHING TO SAY and I sat around a cheese tray eating grapes and drinking some awesome concoction that I came up with. I’m like a bartender. And by bartender, I mean, I know how to find a bar, and I tend to get things while I’m there.

She picked at a couple of my emotional scars. And she is persistent…just like her hood mommie. She would not let up. Not in a badgering way either. Just in a I love you, but you are going to answer this question and talk about this ish with me kind of way #SheWasRaisedRight #SheWasTaughtWell #YoureWelcomeWorld. She definitely has that way about her. I had to admit some feelings I never anticipated ever sharing, especially with her.

There are things you don’t tell your kids. At least not while they’re kids. No parent ever wants their kids to know how hard life can be. Parents spend their lives (parents worth anything, anyway) making life as easy and as wonderful and as beautiful as they can for their kids. Life can get real shitty real quick, and it will, if you keep on living. So for me and my kids, they got every happy anything I could manufacture in Conway, Arkansas, and I kept all the rest for me. Right or wrong, it was my choice, and mine alone to understand.

It’s just that my kids aren't kids anymore. So it’s time to let some of it go. And to do that, I have to give something up.

Crying, tortured, wishing on some four leaf clover, to free you from the chains that bind you, fleeing from yourself…

In time you'll figure out, we search our whole lives, to seek what's inside, we run but can't hide…

Begging strangers to try, to shield us from pain, hoping we'll change, but it stays the same…

Why do you defeat you? Let the past mistreat you? You don't wanna let it go…

No one else can help you, only you can free you, but you gotta let it go, let it go…

Vicious circle, frozen by the fears that lurk, you'll wind up in the place you run to, find you've lost your way…

But in time you'll figure out, we search our whole lives, to seek what's inside, we run but can't hide…

Begging strangers to try, to shield us from pain, hoping we'll change, but we remain in the game…

Why do you defeat you? Let the past mistreat you? You don't wanna let it go…

No one else can help you, only you can free you, but you gotta let it go, let it go.

I’ll get that 19^th race one of these years. Perhaps even an 18^th medal. Just not this one. This year I got something better. I got a little bit closer to freedom. #ItFeelsDivine

Getting To The Core...

In late December, a friend asked a question. She asked our group (of women) to share what their Core Desired Feelings for 2014 would be, as she is fascinated by the concept of speaking aloud her wants, her needs, her desires. Not so fascinating to me. More like scary. For her, speaking them aloud helps with the accountability process. Now that they have been spoken, people will ask about it. Hold her to it. Inquire about her progress. Keep it at the forefront of my mind.

There is life left in you yet young GirlieGurl. #InYourCore

The core. It’s at the center of everything. It’s what gives a thing value. It holds it together. Core training is so important to the human body because everything is connected to the core. You may not eat the core of the fruit, but locked inside it is the key to life anew. That’s what makes these things so important. So terrifying. But so awesome and so necessary.

Speaking aloud my feelings tends to have the opposite impact on me than it does my friend. Once I say them, they become real. That frightens me! Hearing them gives them life. I can feel the heat rising to my head as I blog. What happens if I don’t get them? What happens if they are unachievable? I don’t know, what if I decide to change them? There are so many variables to consider! eeek!

But I’m trying to do better, so I participated in the activity. My Core Desired Feelings for 2014 (as written in December 2013) were as follows:

1.A love unspeakable. #hopefullyIcanwriteitsinceIwantittobespeechless

2.Courageous!! I wanna see you be brave Nateezy! #sarabareilles

3.Relax(ed), Relate(d), Release(d)! I want to be able to always channel my inner Whitley Gilbert…and get a good giggle [out of life].

4.The Will To Give! Mostly because it feels so damn good. Especially when they don’t know it’s coming #CheckYourMail

5. Uncomfortable. …and not in an unsettled, bad, anxious way…but in a way that I’m forced to do something different, try something different, maybe become a different me #KeyshiaCole (um...where she been?)

I said wrote it. I put it out there. And you think they sounds crazy, hunh? See, I knew you would. That’s exactly why I didn’t want to do this in the first place. I don’t really believe that #WellKinda. It’s just what I was thinking at the moment so I thought I would share it with you.

We are halfway done with 2014, I guess we should check my progress…

A Love Unspeakable. Well it’s more like a love unspoken.  I’ve pretty much avoided this part of my life because it’s well…depressing. And you don’t get a medal for it. So there’s that.

Grade: Incomplete. Fail. Didn’t even try. Summer School or nah?

Courageous!! Professionally, I have gotten more in touch with my inner Sarabi. I have spoken in my true, genuine, thoughtful voice, when it was unpopular to do so. But more importantly, when my words were contrary to the group. It’s always a risk. Saying the right thing, when it appears to be the one thing no person is ready to hear or confront. But saying it (and hearing it) challenges and grows you. I still have more to do, but I’m satisfied so far.

Grade: B+

Relax(ed), Relate(d), Release(d)!! I haven’t been in tune with my inner Whitley Gilbert as I would have hoped to be this year. Emotional stress is something else. I’ve been wandering around old wounds that I should really allow my medical health professional to attend to…ASAP. It’s just so much. Almost to the point of embarrassment. Hurts too much, ya’know? But, the running has been helping in this effort. When it gets too big, when it becomes too much, when I cannot make heads, tails or otherwise, I give it away to the pavement. I’ve gotten into a great relationship with my Asics and Saucony’s. We love each other very much. I cheat on them from time to time, but I always come back. Always.

Grade: C

The Will To Give!! This one got off to a rough start this year. It’s been a tough one at work and I haven’t been in a mood to surprise people with gifts like normal. However, I have made great strides in this area. There was the #InvoiceIncidentInApril that brought a friend tons of joy. That one honestly was some of my best work. Without numbering or naming them, I have done some kind things this half of the year. I am pleased with my ability to give and I am working to do more and better!

Grade: A+

Uncomfortable. This one hasn’t been achieved yet. But it isn’t so much for a lack of trying. I love to have fun. I enjoy a great adventure. I’ll engage in a conversation with a complete stranger. I am not sure what it will take for me to get that uncomfortable feeling. I have traveled alone – internationally. I am not adverse to public transportation. I’ll try a new food with little convincing. I am going to have to go back to the drawing board on this one and get a little creative. If I rank ordered these core feelings, this one would be #2. I really want to stretch myself here.

Grade: I need tutoring.

I am glad that she asked the question. That she checked in with us about these feelings. Lord knows I really want these things for myself. Maybe I need to hashtag them as a goal for the year or something, like I did running. I’m more than halfway done with my races. I probably could have knocked this out in a few weeks with some (real) dedication. Maybe not a few weeks, but you know what I mean. I want these feelings like I want these medals.

Nothing to it but to do it. Or at least to figure out how.

What do you want for 2014? What are your core desired feelings? 

Skipping A Few Milestones. . .

A friend asked me a question. His inquiry? What were your three milestones from 2013? We were days away from 2014, and often we find ourselves introspecting about the year. I mean, it’s inevitable. That damn tab on Facebook reminds you daily to look at your year in review.

I was stumped. As I usually am when someone wants to know something that seems so impersonal about you. Mostly because I tend to make these things, my introspection, my thoughts, my heart, so damn personal. And true to my fashion, I stuttered my way through the answer. Though the answer I will write with much more clarity and cohesion.

Because, those were my three milestones in 2013. Writing.

I was recognized professionally for my writing. I was revealed personally for my written work. I made my compositions public. And in that, I began peeling back another layer of me.

Professionally… While working at my previous institution, I was a member of one of our regional professional organizations. I used my membership in that organization to contribute (per Dr. Smith’s orders) to my field by writing a few publications. One article, inspired by recent student conduct related incidents, seemed to catch the attention of many professional colleagues. My Roommate Posted This About me on Facebook! was born from countless hours of reconciling the implications of social media behavior in the real “res life” world. Unbeknownst to me, that work was selected by the editing board for Article of the Year. My Residence Hall Directors came back from the conference with my plaque and congratulatory wishes.

This was not the first piece I’ve written professionally. It will not be the last. But it was then that I realized that when it comes to my career…I am indeed a writer. An award winning one!

Personally… So, I kinda maybe sorta wrote a book. I mean, my Mommie told me to do it. What is it? Hate you asked! I entitled the “book” I’m So Gurley (Girlie)…Pun Intended because I promised Richard Davis when we were in High School that if I ever (never) wrote a book, I would make that the title. I try to keep my word.

So the story written in that book…is just as disjointed as the author. Literally. Just as disjointed as her life. Knowing her, you would not want it any other way. It’s part of the charm. In the series of falls, late night duty calls and other epic failures, she managed a few successful minutes and a couple of achievements. She wished at one point in time for her life to be different, to be kinder, to resemble something of what she dreamed it would be. But it was harder, sadder, and lonelier than she could have ever imagined. Somehow, she laughed a little, loved a little more and lived it all.

Yes…the first personal publication I automatically wrote was the biography of a life I’m learning to live. I had been working on it for quite some time. It was not until 2013 that I had courage enough to share it. Share it in whole. Completely. With people who don’t automatically love me. I had no intention of that document making it past my internal hard drive.

So! I finished reading your work on the plane last night and it was great! I had no idea you were such a good writer with so many adventures! Lots of travel in and outside of the country and such an eclectic group of friends. Your motherly nature is very obvious in the young people you have worked with and even the men you have loved or have liked. That's a good thing and depending on who you nurture...well, you know. It read like a journal of sorts to me with different entries at different times. The themes were clear, though and that makes you a consistent writer. Thank you for sharing with me...it was my honor to read! I learned so much about you... #FMB

Publicly… Now this one? You would think that sharing an alleged book I maybe wrote is public, but it isn’t. It’s still a controlled environment in many ways. Yes I shared it with people who don’t have to tell me what I want to hear, but we have a trust that what I’ve shared with them, is for them. And them alone. So really, it’s still kinda personal. But say for instance you create, I don’t know, A Blog…and you entrust your inner thoughts to all of the internets in the world, then it’s kinda public.

There’s going to be many posts about running. Because another milestone (that I’ve reserved for 2014) is running! It’s Medal Monday! It’s 14 Start Lines, 14 Finish Lines and 14 Shiny Medals! And there is plenty to talk about when it comes to running. Eboogie (aka Alicia Keykey aka the real donut monster #nomnomnom) gave me three posts to begin working on already: “having big boobs”, “running with big boobs”, and my personal favorite, “using your boobs to provide a resting place for your friend’s head after running”. But anyone who knows my disjointedness knows that there will be a few tangents. Because life isn’t just about cosine’ing. There are sines, tangents, and 360 other degrees out there to graph.