“What are you? A 95 year old woman?”
Yes CJC. Yes I am.
It’s funny because it’s so true. For as young as I look, I’m
really just an old lady in a 30 year old uniform. I could sit and play cards
all day talking about “...‘member when so & so...”, eat cabbage and cornbread for supper, and fall to sleep to
Pat & Vanna making dreams come true at the spin of the wheel. Meeting my
old lady friends at Macy’s for the One Day Sales in my matching leopard printed
everything and Sizzler for lunch! Home by 6pm, sleep by 8pm.
That could be my life and I would be content.
But it’s not my life. In fact, I’m living life like a
30-something pretty convincingly; until it comes to one thing.
Technology.
 |
| Yes. This is my phone. And I FB from it. |
I could use my laptop in place of my free weights. My phone is
the Sprint equivalent of a sidekick and I Love It! I almost had an emotional breakdown
in January when I thought I would have to upgrade to a smart phone – in the
middle of the Spring Store. Until last year, I used an mp3 player to
run/workout with. The same type my girls got me for Mother’s Day in Arkansas,
circa 2007/8. I have an iPod touch now. It came in the mail. Unexpectedly from
one of my past RHDs who had heart palpitations when I told her what I was
planning to do one day...
Me: I can’t believe I lost my mp3 player! Dang. Now I have to get
another one... I’m missing hella workouts... *clap*clap* no
music *clap*clap*
Her: Another one what? An iPod? Right?
Me: Girl bye! I’on know how to use that mess!
Her: But you use an iPad! IT’S THE SAME THING!!! But smaller...
Me: No, my students show me how to use an iPad. When they gone I’m
over here f’ing up all the settings and stuff. *and that one guy...who fixed my iPad up for me*le sigh*
What I’m about to do, is go to Best Buy and get me an mp3
player. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll ask for the best one.
Her: No. No it doesn’t. Please don’t do that. Nobody is going to
help pick out a damn mp3 player.
Me: Maybe. Email me a link to that iPod thingie and I’ll see...
...sees the price of the iPod
touch...
Me: You out yo’ damn mind you think I’m going to spend that much
for something I’ll have to read the instructions manual for – twice – just to
play music that I still have CDs for! Jesus did not die on the cross for that...
...2 weeks later...
Me: OMG! I just love surprises!!!! What is this? I wonder who sent
it!!
-_- Oh. An iPod touch. #fcuk
I didn’t know what a selfie was. I knew it was something having
to do with “self” #SATprep but in the context of conversations had no idea. I thought
FaceTime was wanting to talk to someone face-to-face, like in real life and not
through a smart device. Someone asked to snap chat me, I thought that meant
take my picture and discuss it. When I realized I could bank from these things (smart devices), like deposit a damn check bank, you would have thought Noah and the
Ark just passed by from the look on my face. Playing music from these
things in your car literally blew my mind. And when Eboogie told me about the
BUMP app, I had a Fred Sanford inspired moment. If you say something to me and
I look a little confused, I’m just trying to remember it long enough to look it
up on Urban Dictionary. Like “shaking it like a red nose” – apparently that has
nothing to do with Rudolph twerking. #WhoKnew?
I suppose there are some actual reasons why I’m reluctant to
travel to this technological century with you all. It’s hella expensive. When
car notes are greater than or equal to the price of the phone, that’s
problematic for me. Or how fragile they are. I had seen so many cracked iPhone
screens, I thought they came that way, like it was a cool effect or
something.
But then I realized that it’s the 95 year old lady in me. And
she walks into the room unnoticed because everyone is lost in the smartness of
their device. Like at trivia, when we realize all the obscure things we used to
know, before we became students of Just Google It University #JGIT. I knew that He-Man was from Eternia, but couldn’t remember
that Battle Cat’s name was Cringer. I kept saying, “It starts with a “g”,
or something, I think...” #welostpoints. Or, how we stopped, to varying
degrees, relying on our instincts to get around. Instead we “map our route” to
places we’ve been before. I have driven to LA from the Bay Area so many times, I could do it blindfolded. But, when I went last October,my first thought was,
Don’t get me wrong. There are wonderful things that come with
living in the virtual world with all of you. It’s certainly gotten me out of a
situation here or saved the day there.
I’d just rather write you. A letter. And put a stamp on it. And
mail it. I mean a text is cool, and FaceTime is awesome, but something about it
just doesn’t connect to the “95 year old lady who had difficulty
taking selfies until CJC showed her that you could press that side button
thingie this weekend-but it's still kinda hard-can you help me?” in me.
I know that one day, probably soon, I’ll have to join you all.
When that day comes know that...
1.
I’ll cry real tears.
2.
I’ll have lots of questions. Hella questions.
3.
I’ll say things like, “Now what did I do with that phone
thingie...”
4.
I’ll probably squint as I look at the screen and hold it up, and
far, and away, like I’m near sighted.
5.
I’ll look like a deer in headlights when you show me how to do
something on it that Every 6 Year Old Everywhere can do.
6.
I’ll cry real tears.
I’m going to hold out. I’m going to be the Miss Irrelevant of smart phones. And, I think I’m excited about this. *posing for my photo shoot*
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