Never Too Much. Never Too Many.

There are rules. Really, really, very important rules when it comes to…buying shoes. I know many of you who know me well are wondering, why did it take so long for her to address THIS particular topic? Well, the answer is simple, I have found something that impacts me the same way that shoes do. Medals. And the fact that you have to buy running shoes means, I have not actually, stopped shoe shopping. I just enhanced my shoe game #likethatsevenpossible.

So, this one time, I was at the register, trying to decide if I really wanted all the shoes I selected, right? I did not feel like I “deserved” them all, and I was not exactly 110% sure about a particular pair. I thought they might go well with this dress I wanted to wear to a wedding, but you know, you never really know, until you know, right?

So I asked him, …what do you think? …do you like these? …or these? …which ones should I get? #INEED2KNOW. Then he said it. You know you want them all. Just get them. All.

The worst thing you could do at the cash register is talk a woman out of a fabulous pair of shoes – especially for a great price. You will never hear the end of it. Ever. And you will spend a small large, sized 10, fortune on many pairs of shoes after that date replacing “that pair” that got away. #dontjudgemyshoesize #MyPersonalityIsReallyTall  #Like6Feet5Inches #Jerk

And then he carried the bags to the car.

Without knowing the rules, he knew the rules whilst shopping with me. Whilst shopping with many of us, of the female persuasion. Support It, or Shut It (up). Never question it. Compliment & Carry (the bags). Be Silent & Be Still. Listen, this is not for the faint of heart. You wanna survive? Follow. The. Rules. Okay, so maybe we’ve spent 6 or so hours shopping. Think of all the cardio we’ve done. I’ll feed you, eventually, but you’re going to have to wait. I see a sale sign.

What are the rules? Take notes…

1.    You like the shoe? You Buy It!

2.    You look good in the shoe? You Buy It!

3.    It’s a comfortable shoe and you love it? Get One In Each Color, & 2 In Your Favorite Color!

4.    You find a great shoe for summer and it’s currently winter on the east coast? Buy It. Hide It. Set A Calendar Reminder With A Photo!

5.    Believe in Shoe Karma! It’s Real. Now here is a really important one. You still taking notes, right? Shoe Karma works a couple of different ways…

a.     The Law Of Thought: If a shoe makes you think of a particular person that was not already on the forefront of your mind, get them. The shoe gods are speaking to them through you. #LetEmUseYou

b.     The Law Of The Loved One: Have a special someone in your life? A special we eat off the same plate or knows which bra is your favorite bra in the world someone #ifheknowsthatthenitsreal. Well, if you do, then for every 3 pairs you purchase for yourself, you must get them 1 pair of shoes.

c.     The Law Of Planned Spontaneous Shopping Trips: Planning to go shoe shopping spontaneously? Invite a friend that does not normally shoe shop. Do your best to convince them to go with! Whether or not they actually make it on the trip, the shoe gods will bless your efforts with an additional 10% off.

6.    Flats are your friend. Honey, I hate to break it to you, but you will not be in your 20’s forever, especially your legs. Now flats are NOT appropriate for every event, but you’ve got to have them! Now remember though, you want a flat shoe, but a supportive sole.

7.    You see those little cut off stocking thingies? Use. Them! They are not for decoration, and quite frankly I don’t know where your feet have been!

8.  There will be no doubting here. The shoes can sense your weakness. Remember Rafiki’s wise words... Look Haaarrrder..... And as Tab says, No pity (or great shoes) for the weak.

9.    Tell The Whole Truth. No woman shoe shopping who stops another woman shoe shopping is fishing for a compliment or the validation she may or may not be getting at home. She really wants to know the whole entire truth about that awful shoe she just put on her foot. Tell Her! For every bad piece of feedback you give, may your patent leather mary janes be scuffed and your white shoes be stained the day before the White Party. #ihopeyoubreakaheel

10. Dust Yourself Off & Try Again! If the first shoe store does not have what you want, call your best friend in a neighboring city or a nearby state. The grail is real. Seek it. Only the worthy shall find them, purchase them, and wear them.

     So, I have great luck when it comes to shoe shopping. The shoe gods smile upon me. It’s because I’m obedient. And, I have built up more shoe karma than the TLC extreme coupon’ers stockpiles. Don’t believe me? Well…

Exhibit A: I was shoe browsing one day. From time to time, I go to shoe stores to clear my mind when I get stressed out. I just so happened to think about my grad school friend sister in Texas. She was preparing for a sorority event and I saw the cutest red and white polka dotted shoes! They were too cute and not my size. I bought them. I don’t even think I called her about them. She just got them in the mail. Later that day, I found boots that went over my insanely large calf muscles!

Exhibit B: I got the best pair of gold shoes this one day. I mean, jessica simpson bet’not’neva make another album. Her shoes are soooooo super gorg! I mean, these strappy platform gold shoes are life. I mean, everything plus shimmer! I saw them on sale months later, for cheaper than what I paid. In my shoe size. Some of you are getting mad – but me? Nope. Bought them. Gave them to my unequally heighted – equally foot sized Shellie Pooh. She had been looking for gold shoes and I did not even know!

Exhibit C: AWB (remember her, I wrote about her izze struggle? the one who inspired this right here) mentioned to me that she needed shoes for a wedding. This was after I regaled her about the amazing tales of shoe shopping I did the weekend prior. No rush, just a particular type of shoes needed, eventually for a wedding. Two weeks later, I was in Nordstrom Rack and found these enzo angiolini shoes I thought would fit her need. I bought them. When she asked me what she owed, I told her nothing. I mean, I only paid $5.00.

I could go on. But I will not. There are shoes out there. Lonely shoes who need a loving home. I must open my heart and my wallet to them. Nurture them. Love them. And look damn good in them! I hope you will consider opening up your heart, and your home, and your tax return to a lovely pair of shoes in need.

I’m off to shop! *in my julia roberts, pretty woman voice*

“With the right pair of (running) shoes, you can accomplish anything...” #14in2014