Friday After Next is the best Christmas Movie Ever… Let’s Fight.

Before 2002, we would be fighting over A Christmas Story. Because, prior to 2002, A Christmas Story was the best Christmas movie ever. They fought about it on All Def Digital, so I won’t go into particulars. I will however, bring you back to 2005. The year I got my first, very own, weapon of mass destruction (of cans and wild animal)… My BB Gun. Wrapped up. Hidden behind the couch. From my Daddie. In the same way Ralphie got his… FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS I asked for a gun. Like not to protect myself, because I am a single lady living in the world and I’m glad I got my girls… No, because my family is country, I’m country, and I wanna shoot things. It gives me the glads. And what you know about those glad texts, hunh? Cause, Bible.

http://www.mediastinger.com/friday-after-next-2002-after-the-credits/

Anyway, A Christmas Story reigned supreme, until along came Friday After Next. Yall, there are so many reasons which I will enumerate and alphabetize, but the real one is this…

We ain’t kids no more. I mean, I am children, but I’m not a kid. You see the difference? I eat cereal and watch cartoons on Saturday mornings, but I also work 40 to 60 hour weeks and get an annual W-2, so I’m not a kid. I know Santa isn’t real (now). I mean I should have known (then), because Santa’s handwriting looked suspiciously like my Mother’s, but she was a good liar and said that Santa drops the gifts off but the parents have to wrap them. And, we always got stuff that was on the what I look like/ain’t nobody buying that list…so I was maybe a year or so tardy to the he ain’t real party.

These days I get group text messages wishing me a Merry Christmas, and/or Happy Holidays from the #SAPros being all inclusive and whatnot. You know what else I get? To go to work the next damn day. Or use my PTO that I accrued to have the ‘itis a while longer. Oh, and the privilege to pay $600 to $800 for flights. Or spin off the highway driving to/from Christmas. Arent’cha just filled with joy like good ole Saint Nick?

Nope. Your Christmas holiday sounds like Craig & Day Day’s Friday (after next).

12. Did we even know that Friday was in December? If we did, I didn’t. Which makes Friday After Next all the more majestic. Your favorite Christmas movie is likely set in a place with crappy winter weather. Mine is set in California. You don’t know the difference between December, April, or June, cause that Cali sunshine is out ALL THE 12 MONTHS OF THE CALENDAR YEAR. It’s amazing. But uh, don’t move here. We don’t have no mo’ room. Not that you could afford it tho. Honestly, we really can’t afford it. But still don’t come.

C. C is for Cousins…because Black Twitter already meme’d what it feels like when you’re reunited with your cousin(s) for the holidays, so I won't do what they mastered in meme. While Craig and Day Day were in the same city, there is something special about the brother/sister like bond that you have with your cousins. That relationship is everything. Who else can you make fun of your parents with if your siblings aren’t around, if you have them at all? Friday After Next accidently highlights an important familial bond. I live for hanging with my cousins, family game nights, and the time that Aunt J lost her Black Card #revoked, and D-Bo was hella funny taking it from her!

c. D-Bo – and we even got a D-Bo in our family so this movie/series is all the more magical!

1^st or 15^th. Craig and Day Day had real problems… Christmas doesn’t make the rent or PG&E being due go away. They were at work trying to figure out some real life ish. Be honest, how many Christmas’ as an adult, did you have to make some life altering decisions? Newsflash: YOU’RE MAKING THEM RIGHT NOW. You make the long drive home (a 1,000+ miles) but you realize while stuffing your face with a stolen sweet potato pie that you have to drive them all back, in inclement weather, with a more severe and inclement bank balance because you and your favorite cousins LIVED…and direct deposit didn’t hit the account. Oh, just me?

U. U is for Uncle…cause we all have a cool Uncle Elroy, specifically an Uncle with a special life situation. In this case, my man was dating Sugar, dropped her, and got with the younger sister, Cookie. C’mon now. You already know the dinner conversation: Hey Unc, who that is? That’s [insert name here] *snickers under his breath* …her SISTER. *aunties in the kitchen* You know that fool ain’t neva been ish, he gonna catch something… Just nasty… Girl, you know that’s the last one’s sister. Well no wonder she didn’t answer me, I called her by her sister’s name! *laughter and communal sipping of spiked tea*

10. Issa Poorty, and it gets cracking right around 10pm. For Craig and Day Day, it was a kick back to pay the rent. For me and my house, it’s a turn up at Uncle Tommy’s. Or down at the Post. Fried Fish. Dominoes. Catching Up. Music. Clowin’ around. Remember when… How they doin… You still talk to so and so? Remember last year when yall lost?! Run it back! Yall, one time I kicked it so hard, I woke up in one of the beds in not my house to the smell of breakfast. I have no recollection of how... Best. Night. Ever. The party might look a little different for you and yours, but the feeling is the same.

2. Something happens…at the family dinner, major celebratory event, or in Craig and Day Day’s case, their rent party – which doubled as a celebration of the return of Damon from jail – because someone’s always returning from somewhere, or redeeming their lives from a brink of something #WontHeDoIt #OhYesHeWill. There was a happenstance bathroom meeting with Damon and a magically delicious lucky charm. We even got a live performance of the nut cracker #TheRemix. And the turn up continued…

∞. Because some of you use the Lifetime cinematic equation to compute an official Christmas Movie, Friday After Next includes the necessary variables. There's a Santa. The presents are returned. You even get a tree that doubles as a bat. Donna makes snow on the storefront windows. There are carolers. You even get a happy ending where Craig gets the girl…though, he gets the girl at the end of all the movies. So he’s kinda practicing to be Uncle Elroy in the future. Which means the cycle will continue. Family traditions are preserved. The days future come are saved.

Solange (my baby sister) & Beyonté (me) will have a virtual panty party this Christmas season. Solange will probably be sporting a very fashionable headdress (get you one!). I’ll be wearing the silk scarf Uglee got me from the hair store in Gardena when we were black baby bruins. We will both, however, be sporting our very best sleeping panties, cackling whilst repeating every line to Friday After Next. Cause, it’s not small in here… You’re just big in here.

Honorable mentions include Trading Places, Die Hard I & II, A Huey Freeman Christmas (The Boondocks),This Christmas (c’mon now, it’s Idris…), and Nothing like the Holidays (I really just want some coquito...like, lo necesito ahora por favor) .

Merry Chri’mah Nucka! From Pinky & Teezy Nucka!

Also, just in case I wasn’t clear – don’t come to California. We full. Our cup runneth over. Stay in your winter. Remember how much you like seasons.

Tony! Toni! Toné! Part II Gave Me The Sads, Y'all

I saw Tony! Toni! Toné! at Yoshi's and I have sadness. But before I had sadness, I saw Raphael Saadiq at District in Oakland, and I had all kinds of awkward happiness. Yall, I was up in that tiny joint having a good ole time with my friends. Then, someone goes… Is that Raphael Saadiq? Yeah, that is…they say he’s always hanging out with his folks around here. And, they went on about their business, because it’s true. Raphael is a son of Oakland, so when he’s hanging out, he’s home. Only, it’s just that, he has no clue how many times my sisters and I danced to Little Walter in the large living room mirror in our house on Baylor Street, so I should probably talk to him and say Hey! In this tiny, crowded bar. In the most humble and awkward way possible. Because Sinbad was hilarious in that video.

And find someone to take a picture of you, gurl.

Happiness. I mean, so much happiness, I totally forgot that earlier in the day I spilled something on my shirt, and had been wearing a cream Banana Republic cardigan buttoned up as a shirt. Because, science.

So, even though I knew that the Tony! Toni! Toné! I was headed to see*, was not the exact same R&B, funky, soul super group of my youth, I expected to be pleasantly entertained. In my mind, it was not possible to mess things up, right? I mean, if every song you have is a hit, then how, Sway – we ask in love. How, Sway?

Before the performance began (late), there was a video showing. Timeless. I thought to myself, you know what, their music is timeless, so this must be something important to watch. Pay close attention, gurl. The video consisted of lovers on the beach, possibly slaves being sold, a cultural dance circle with painted faces, and the group in the studio exchanging hats. On repeat. For the entire time we were there.

The show begins with music. That’s all I can say about it. I can’t qualify the type of music, but it was a stage with people playing instruments so there was music. *shrugs*

D’Wayne Wiggins finally emerges from the back and I think to myself, okay, maybe they needed him out here to make the music better. I’ll wait. Well, it’s Monday. Guess what I’m doing. -_-

But, it sounds something like the sound I remembered from days since past. So I got time. Time enough to see the second coming from Raphael Saadiq. Who is this tall, bald, bow-tied, brutha trying to sound like Raphael? I mean, he doesn’t sound bad, but perhaps he should have had that tea before the show. It’s like in math, there’s an order of operations. When you do them out of order, you get the wrong answer in those FB posts with McDonald’s fries, fans with missing blades, and clocks telling different times. #YouDoTheMath

Beats are dropping, songs are playing, and I have questions that are beginning to turn into sadnesses. Jigs took a picture of me. I literally saw my soul broken. It wept, like Jesus, for my eyes and ears. All I needed was Anthony Hamilton to come thru and give me a good raspy bridge over my troubled spirit.

Halfway through the show, D’Wayne gave the members of the band an opportunity to showcase their musical talents. We also learned that he was unaware of some of their names, and the names of the instruments. A baritone saxophone is also known as a "big ass sax" and I really just wanted to go back to SF Jazz…like not even to see a show. I would have been good at one of their staff meetings. This was also a point in the show where I wondered if Sway was ever gonna tell us how this all was happening. He never showed. He makes good decisions.

Well, now that we’ve given the Raphael stand-in an opportunity to drink more tea, it’s time to play more of those hits we once loved. Let's Get Down begins, and I mean, I got kinda happy. It’s a classic. And it features a classic – DJ Quick. Just as soon as my mood was beginning to lift, I realize that there are dancers. Like two female-identifying persons dancing on the stage. Doing interpretive dance. You know, interpreting the song lyrics like you do with your friends when you’re in the car on the way to some shenanigan. Like on first Sunday when the youth and young adult ministry is performing before communion. Like, WHY ARE YOU DOING INTERPRETIVE DANCE ON THIS SMALL ASS STAGE WHERE THEY HAVE A BIG ASS SAX?! This is not okay.

I can’t do this Jesus.

So, there are more body rolls, tea being sipped, instruments being played by the forgotten, flatly held notes, and D’Wayne reminding us constantly how Oakland he is while sippin on tequila. I would blame my sadnesses on the tequila, but gin is the only alcohol that has ever wronged me. And I hold grudges.

My thoughts, enumerated:

3. I want a ginger ale.

11. Why am I here, in this place, doing this, with people I like?

2. What am I watching, exactly?

13. She should do this routine to Safe In His Arms cause that body roll would go well with that’s why I safeeee…don’t you feel safeeee?…

4. They shouldn’t give some people weaves. Because they get them and think they somebody, and really they just in my way when I’m trying to figure out if that’s indeed a scene from the slave trade, or I’ve been watching this looped video too long. If she stands up one more time, it’s gonn’ be smoke in the town.

22. I don’t really feel safe, or anything here. But, now that Oakland is gentrified, I kinda really actually don’t feel safe, but before the gentrifiers, I did. Is that weird?

1. It’s not over yet? Cause they promptly cut Rahsaan Patterson's set, and we definitely could have had more of that.

17. I don’t wanna do this anymore.

3b. I really want a ginger ale. Cause I’m sick of this.

Eventually, I got to a thought I continued to return to – #7. Why exactly isn’t Raphael part of this? Apparently, everybody on that tiny stage was related or went waaaayyy back – except for the people he just met that day and the instruments he renamed. I mean think about it, Brandy – Queen Latifah – MC Lyte – Yoyo wanted us to all be down again. Xscape gave us a reunion tour and reality show that we maybe didn’t want with hindsight being 20/20 and we ain’t got Lasik in the here and now. Like, people come back to a good thing, sometimes. The New Edition tour was hella dope! Remember? As out of shape as Bobby was, we all LIVED that night in Oracle! 

If the absence of Raphael is a thing, it’s a warning to us all, about returning to things that have long since passed. Like what Kandi is (not) doing now, in real time. Whether you left them, or they left you. Be it a happy departure, or one filled with words never to be recollected. Forever has a beginning and an end. And the era of Tony! Toni! Toné! has long since gone. D’Wayne is holding on to something so beautiful, letting it rust before our eyes. I mean, Tony! Toni! Toné! – as much as I love my Daddie-given name – made me want to be named Deja so somebody could sing about how much they really loved me on the field at Drake Stadium at UCLA while people ran around the track. I needed that.

But my name was never changed. And other songs came along. I grew to learn to love to insert my own name in them. And I found joy. D’Wayne hasn’t found any joy in the after, holding on to what was. We all learned this the hard way.

Friday night, I went to see a band do covers of Tony! Toni! Toné! songs. I give them a C. And we know that C’s do not get cashed out during report card season, thought hey earn degrees. But, make good decisions with your money and see Rahsaan Patterson next time he’s at Yoshi’s.

If you ever ask me to go see the different Tony! Toni! Toné! the experience following will be unpleasant.

______________

* Tony! Toni! Toné! crashed out of their Oakland neighborhood in 1988 with their Gold debut album Who? which spawned the hit "Little Walter". In 1990, to both critical and popular acclaim, their second album The Revival garnered four # 1 Billboard hits including "Feels Good," "Whatever You Want," "The Blues" and "It Never Rains (In Southern California)" and went Platinum. The success of The Revival and its subsequent headlining tour was realized during various awards shows: 1991 NAACP Image Award for "Vocal Group of The Year", 1991 American Music Award for "Favorite R&B/Soul Group" and 1991 ASCAP Award for "Feels Good". In 2006, D’Wayne Wiggins and Timothy Christian Riley regrouped along with their cousin, Amar Khalil performing lead vocals. They have been touring the United States delivering their classic hits to sold-out audiences across the country. Tony! Toni! Toné!’s much anticipated 25th Anniversary album is due to be released later this year.

(https://www.yoshis.com/event/903783-tony-toni-tone-oakland/)