"The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted." #GOT #S5E1

*this post has nothing to do with GOT. I just binged the entire series, so it's the only thing I can think about*

I made a mistake today. And I feel sick about it. Absolutely sick. It’s causing me to stew all my other mistakes. You know, like the time I basically failed an assignment that I totally had an opportunity to do over in the spring quarter of my final year at UCLA. I thought I wouldn’t be able to graduate and that was the end of my life. My singleness? It’s as much the natural order and plan for life as it is the multitude of mistakes I’ve made in who and how I have chosen to love. I lied. I totally believe that it’s more a mistake than a well calculated plan.

Perfection in all things has always been my goal. And because God is in all things, He finds ways to humble me. Humble me, Lord. (really, I would rather You didn’t and just let me be out here being great and feeling good about myself, but all knowing and omnipotence, and whatnot).

If I have ever wronged you, if you have ever been on the …girl, you effin’ up side of my mistakes, then whether or not you’ve forgiven me, you have to know, I am still torturing myself about it. I remember it. The only thing worse than making the mistake in the first place is doing it again. That’s how it’s always been. I never got into too much trouble growing up, and if I did, I created new troubles – I didn’t circle back to old ones. Ain’t nobody got time for that. It got to the point that when I actually did something questionable (my mother had to come to the high school and meet with a teacher and administrator) she halfway went off on them because, I got some children that act up in class, but this ain’t the one. So that means you *points at teacher accusatorily* must have done something. Ain’t nothing like a real mama. She was strong and wrong that day for all the right reasons. Nothing about my behavior indicated that I would do something wrong, especially in a classroom. Have you met me? I LOVE READING, WRITING, MATH-ING, SCIENCE-ING, AND LEARNING ALL MANNER OF THING.

But I was just as wrong then as I am today. And my strong Mama ain’t nowhere around to speak on behalf of my wrong.

If you’re a woman of my color in the crayon box (or un/related hue) then you know what it means to be wrong in a public/professional setting. To be taken to task for your mistake, when you literally take your own self to task for EVERYTHING. You literally give yourself no grace for being ignorant to things people never told you. Why? Well, you have Papa Pope in the forefront of your mind Olivia'ing you because your mistakes aren’t everyone else’s mistakes. Quite frankly, when you have to do double to only get half, you really don’t have room for mistakes. When you make them, you have to get on the plane and assume your new identity. #PapaPopeIsTheHellAndTheHighWater #NotTreadingInThat #NoSuhNoMaam

I had the rest of my day all planned out. I was going to catch the next train home, take a leisurely stroll to the house and lament over that mistake, and all of them, because isn’t that the way? You don’t just struggle sneeze once. Two more surprise sneezes hit you like rapid fire. I have to struggle/surprise sneeze all my mistakes so they never happen again AND I have to properly hold myself accountable because sweet potato cookies are not for the likes of mistake making me! Suffer through these calorie-counted dry rice cakes – and make’m stale because, I should know better!

Everything was going as planned until – you guessed it – a black woman insisted and imposed her way into things. Why are we like this Lord, God? We are great at collecting the wayward edges of those in our collectives. However, we are exceptionally great at snatching the stray edges, from the ‘rooht, of complete strangers.

Without asking at all, she wanted to get my perspectives on something she is observing in her industry – tech. Specifically, the plight of women who look like us. It goes a little something like this, she says (with light literary liberties taken):

Their mistakes: This is a great learning opportunity. You will grow and develop from this. Let’s move on like it never happened.

Your mistakes: Looks like we need to retrain you on this work function. Are you sure you understand the task? We will circle back to this in the morning.

Their environment: Here, we will nurture what you bring to the table and create a space for you to develop as a leader and pioneer in this industry. We are here to mentor you and cultivate your talent as a premier professional.

Your environment: This works appears to be challenging for you. Maybe you should consider work that better fits your skill level.

The organization’s perceptions of them: Totally capable professional with potential to be a game changer and power player in the industry.

The organization’s perceptions of you: Oh, you still here? Oh, isn’t that, [awkward pause] nice. *whispers* What’s their name again?

Their confidence in their ability to do the job: *currently applying for a promotion*

Your confidence in your ability to do the job: *been re-applying to your old position that’s now a step down, but Chipotle is around the corner, and you’ve been walking six blocks for Chipotle at lunch, so you could save some time and steps*

And though she and I were discussing pears and plums, the truth remains the same, pears are gross and these truths pummel women who look like us in many industries. The ways in which I am perceived, planted, positioned, and perfected (or not) is different than others – almost always on subconscious levels. When she started speaking, I was still in the middle of my mess. As she continued, I was hella focused on her. It started to be less about what she was sharing and more about what she was offering.

Girl, you’re not crazy. *insert deep black sigh*

I’m not crazy. In going back through each and every step, I kept thinking, where did I go wrong? Was it something about my understanding of the task? No, I get it. Am I ill-prepared to use the materials to perform it? Nope. Read like all the manuals and fake practiced. Was the environment conducive to me doing great work? Well… Are the people around me genuinely invested in my success? I think… Had I been given what I said I needed to do excellent work? I mean, I did tell them what I needed, but…

…but, Girl, you’re not crazy.

Like I said…I made a mistake today. I felt awful about it. I was told it wasn’t that big of a deal, but the time committed to talking about it was longer than some of the conversations I have with friends when we haven’t talked in like months and I sleep answer the phone and they keep talking until I wake up, so I’m kinda thinking it was a big deal. I’m fairly confident that I won’t make the mistake again. I’m not a betting woman either, but the chance that I am going to walk into that space with the freedom to just think and do things without the residual of that one mistake in the air is slim.

But here’s what we are going to do. You are going to be a little less like me. You are going to (if you haven’t already) make mistakes, learn from them, forgive yourself, and allow yourself to move onward and upward with your life in magical ways, regardless of how the world responds to you. You are going to do a super, amazing, fantastic job of it. I’m going to be super proud of you and brag about the wonderful person you are to everyone I know. Like, when you walk into a room, I’m going to introduce you all majestic like, like they introduce Daenerys Targaryen, you know, the Mother of Dragons.

…and me? I’ll try to be (a lot) like Jesus, and (a little) like you.

THE NEXT DAY *I wish this was a lie, but sadly, this actually happened*

…because the Lord is busy, He put my baby girl in a situation. She called Mama because she was stressed about her current situation. Bless her heart, she made a mistake – and for her, it was just too big, just too much. She said, You’re so right about all of this. I’m so stupid. Why have I been tolerating this?

I want you to know I kept my whole attitude from the day before until I replied to her, You’re not stupid. You are young and you are experiencing the world. We don’t figure out what we will and won’t take until we get put in the situations [sometimes]. Some lessons have to be learned in pain. And I’m speaking from experience. Mama is wounded. Forgive yourself. Accept your lashes with grace. Listen to Mama’s wisdom [if you can even call it that]. And move the hell on.

Fine. I’m over it.