Yea, that’s a thing. At least
I think it’s a thing. I’ve been hearing about it more and more from friends,
from strangers, from cute runners. You know, that well…life happened to them,
and took their emotions with them. Or something like that. I even defined it in that book thingie I wrote that one time. There are lots of different types of
unavailability when it comes to men, you know. So I published a glossary of the
various types. You know...to help the people out. Because we have this fascination with classifying and defining things. Instead of just letting things be. #ThatIsAWholeNothaOthaPost
the worst kind of unavailable to be. He’s
sometimes single, but most often times in a complicated situation that’s likely
going to end – soon. He’s been abused in this last/complicated relationship and
he doubts his ability or desire to love. Or, he’s treated that last woman like
an ass because of whatever has happened between them, now sees the error of his
ways, and he’s ready to move on, but there is no way to really “end” it because
something is still there. Love, or something like it, or feelings, or emotions,
or both of their names on the lease. He uses the words “emotionally
unavailable” to keep you at a distance because, bottom line, he’s afraid, and
he wants to live the bachelor life for a while. He really digs you, just not
this you, right now. In a few months, he might be ready for something more
substantial, but right now, he’s DTF if you’re DTF. No judgments. Just F.
I thought that at one point in my life (well multiple times…stop fact
checking my blog) that I was
emotionally unavailable. Hurt does that to you. Loss does that to you. Not
knowing why – yep…does it to ya! Knowing why? Does it even worse. The knowing
is always worse – way worse #TrustMe #IveDoneThatResearchToo. There is no Untelling #ThatWasAGoodBook. You will always know. You will never forget. Going
from feeling like, you’ll never be as
beautiful as you are right now to knowing, gurl, you wasn’t cute…none
of the time …yeah, that takes
something from you.
But honestly, I was emotional
before that, all through it, and even in this season of growing beyond it.
Hella emotional bro. Hella. And perhaps my not being ready to be anything to anyone,
or not believing I could be anything to anyone, or would ever be anything to
anyone made me “unavailable”, but it really didn’t. It just meant that I was an
emotionally beautiful disaster. And, until I did something about it, I wasn’t going to be
any good to anyone. Especially myself. Lord knows I was no good to me.
I don’t really believe in emotional unavailability. I
believe we all make choices. We decide who we are every day. Sometimes that choice is a conscious affirmation of the person we want
to be. Other times, we purposefully choose something else, because who we want
seems too burdensome to be. Then, generally where I am, there are those who
abdicate the decision making process – abstaining is the most some of us can
do. And there is nothing wrong with any of those. There is also nothing wrong with not looking for a word or phrase to describe what you are #NotMarketingThatGlossaryIWroteSoGood. You can just be. That's cool too bro.
That is the beauty of this
flawed humanity. Regardless of our desire to feel anything, or give anything,
it happens anyway. Someone will eventually poke you from behind when you least expect it - because you were talking about bacon taffy and not expecting to be poked at all. And it will make you feel something that surprises you, mostly because of who you were saying you were. I don’t think any of us are emotionally unavailable. We just
run low on courage. It takes courage to feel – especially when you’ve done it
and it didn’t work out the way you planned. That’s never easy. It’s necessary.
It definitely has to be done. And if you’re afraid, do it then.
That’s the perfect time.
