Opened Boxed of Darkness #andothermistakes

My cousin is a healer. She is a nurse and a lawyer. I admire her so much for this (and other reasons). She has the perfect mix of empathy and accountability, especially in relationships, that she could probably give Iyanla a run for her money. But my cuzzo ain’t got time for that because she is actually fixing lives with pain meds and billable hours. Wait, whoa…I just realized right now that ALL OF HER HOURS are technically billable hours. Wow. My cuzzo is on the come up for real. Yall, my genetic lineage is full of greatness. *insert a Kendrick lamar ‘damn’ here*

But, relationships. She reins Queen above all us peasants when it comes to closure. Again, admiration, and a little adoration. She does this so well because of all her formal and informal training #SheWasRaisedRight. She will heal you emotionally because she really cares. Let you get all of your feelings in order, all the time you need, be all the understanding there is in this dying world, THEN order you to render that which is hers unto her in the form of admitting all the ways you effed up (or having her do it – she’ll let you choose which way to pay).

‘Cause all accounts come due eventually, and just like student loan debt, even if you file for bankruptcy, you still owe bruh.

I, on the other hand, do the exact opposite – because while I was raised as rightly as she, I am no healer. If you leave me, then, well, eff you and the horse you rode in on too #butstilliwalked. Hell I look like closing something already closed? #NahSon

I feel like forgiveness and closure goes as far as me not praying for bad things to happen to you. Also, never ever praying for good things to happen to you. Like why in the world would I do that? What sense does that make? See, if something awesome happens to you after you leave me – Look at God. And, when you reap the awful you sowed after your departure then – Look. At. God. #WontHeDoIt? #OhYesHeWill

Who am I to interfere with the majesty and mystery of the Lord? His will be done. He ain’t never needed my help or intervention.

Why in the world would I make you better for another person? So you could be better to them? My name is not Chuck... #AintNoGoodLuckBih That sounds dumb as hell. What about me, fam? I didn’t deserve the better version of you? Sure, everybody ain’t for this one somebody, and you can learn a lesson from every relationship regardless of how it ends, but uh…you gonna need a tutor brah-brah. The only meds I take? My wine club membership...and if you think I’m sharing that with you see: sweet potato cookies.

What’s the point of brining this up now? Well, I tried out my cousin’s advice. I sought out closure when an opportunity presented itself. Presented…because I did not seek such a “gift” out. No sir. No ma’am. No mx. I put that little box of darkness in the closet with all the others and kept it pushin.

This last time my lil raggedy feelings got hurt, I let it go. It was actually how I “welcomed” the New Year. Side Note #1: I have taken SO MANY L’s this year…2017 is a bih. In the most adult way I could (read: teenage way, I am no adult) I helped myself build a bridge through it – acknowledging how I felt and not rushing myself across. Then, I ignored it completely, and folded some cranes in the skies over me hoping to feel something like healing.

He called. Months and months later. Good morning summer and heart ache – there was no sunshine. Called for no other reason, I suppose, than to disturb my attempting peace. The call ended strangely, without ever speaking to elephants in our respective rooms separated by time zones. Days later, I took my pain meds and disturbed his actual peace. I told myself I would ask the ‘what happened’ question and let him answer. Whatever he said, I would hear it, and I would move on. Because that’s closure, right? Side Note #2: I never actually asked my cousin what went into ‘closure’, like the actual steps in the conversation or process. I totally winged it with a glass of Riesling. While I still haven’t inquired about this, I think I know that the last part isn’t supposed to be part of the process. This is why I’m adult-adjacent.

The level of pissedivity I felt on the phone using my free minutes for a phone call I made but would not hang up cannot be described with my current level of literary skill. Where is Terry McMillian? I was a montage of so many emotions that I finally understood what my Daddie must have felt when he tossed that cat into a pack of dogs. I wanted to do awful hoodrat things all alone for the sheer pleasure of others suffering in the most excruciating ways – and live long enough to tell my kids about it, laughing. Because, #EffYoEffinFeelings. At one point in the wasting of my free minutes he brought up my not following up on things I said I would do when he straight up ghosted me. 

This fool wanted me to be like, hey, I know you don’t talk to me anymore on purpose, but um, here is all the stuff (read: benefits of being WITH me and/or calling me with frequency) I said I would give you and do. Have a blessed day that the Lord made. Be glad in it. Yall, the devil comes for my neck and my back and my cell phone reception regularly. How much more shall I render unto ‘ships that have that have long since set sail? I prayed to never know what he was whispering, ‘yonce. But, there I was, right there with you, listening…and praying, oddly enough #fordifferentthingstho.

So, pissed, petty, and full of pain meds I stayed on the line. Eventually, he realized that this wasn’t the best idea so he ended the conversation. I knew when I called this was dumb, but science #TestTheTheory. I guess that’s part of closure, though. One person being adult enough (because neither of us were very adult) to just end it.

What did I learn?

I am better off not praying either way for you and letting God have His way. It helps me enjoy the Riesling so much more than this ‘talking about it’ mess. I will just leave closure up to the experts – like my cuzzo. She got the right stuff in her to do it. Sure it’s hard, and when it’s hard and challenging it’s worth it. But do you know what’s more difficult than that? All the Riesling being gone when the conversation ends. There was only red wine left, yall!!! *angry emoji face*

I never want to know THAT kind of pain and heart ache again.

Anyway, I’ve never been one to mourn dead things – even the things I loved above all others. And…I have, well, you know what I have in me. That and sweet potato cookies are really only good for a party.

So, I should just do that. #GameNightComingSoon