Before 2002, we would be
fighting over A Christmas Story.
Because, prior to 2002, A Christmas Story was the best Christmas movie ever. They
fought about it on All Def Digital, so I won’t go into particulars. I will
however, bring you back to 2005. The year I got my first, very own, weapon of
mass destruction (of
cans and wild animal)…
My BB Gun. Wrapped up. Hidden behind the couch. From my Daddie. In the same way
Ralphie got his… FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS I asked for a
gun. Like not to protect myself, because I am a single lady living in the world
and I’m glad I got my girls… No, because my family is country, I’m country, and
I wanna shoot things. It gives me the glads. And what you know about those glad texts, hunh? Cause,
Bible.
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| http://www.mediastinger.com/friday-after-next-2002-after-the-credits/ |
Anyway, A Christmas Story
reigned supreme, until along came Friday After Next. Yall,
there are so many reasons which I will enumerate and alphabetize, but the real
one is this…
We ain’t kids no
more. I
mean, I am children, but I’m not a kid. You see the difference? I eat cereal
and watch cartoons on Saturday mornings, but I also work 40 to 60 hour weeks
and get an annual W-2, so I’m not a kid. I know Santa isn’t real (now). I
mean I should have known (then),
because Santa’s handwriting looked suspiciously like my Mother’s, but she was a
good liar and said that Santa drops the gifts off but the parents have to wrap
them. And, we always got stuff that was on the what
I look like/ain’t nobody buying that list…so I was maybe a year or
so tardy to the he ain’t real party.
These days I get group text
messages wishing me a Merry Christmas, and/or Happy Holidays from the #SAPros being
all inclusive and whatnot. You know what else I get? To go to work the next
damn day. Or use my PTO that I accrued to have the ‘itis a while longer. Oh,
and the privilege to pay $600 to $800 for flights. Or spin
off the highway driving to/from Christmas. Arent’cha just filled with joy
like good ole Saint Nick?
Nope. Your Christmas holiday
sounds like Craig & Day Day’s Friday (after
next).
12. Did
we even know that Friday was in December? If we did, I didn’t. Which makes Friday After Next all the more majestic. Your favorite
Christmas movie is likely set in a place with crappy winter weather. Mine is
set in California. You don’t know the difference between December, April, or
June, cause that Cali sunshine is out ALL THE 12 MONTHS OF THE CALENDAR YEAR.
It’s amazing. But uh, don’t move here. We don’t have no mo’ room. Not that you
could afford it tho. Honestly, we really can’t afford it. But still don’t come.
C. C is
for Cousins…because Black Twitter already meme’d what it feels like when you’re
reunited with your cousin(s) for the holidays, so I won't do what they mastered in meme. While Craig and Day Day were in
the same city, there is something special about the brother/sister like bond
that you have with your cousins. That relationship is everything. Who else can
you make fun of your parents with if your siblings aren’t around, if you have
them at all? Friday After Next accidently
highlights an important familial bond. I live for hanging with my cousins,
family game nights, and the time that Aunt J lost her Black Card #revoked, and D-Bo was hella funny taking it from her!
c. D-Bo
– and we even got a D-Bo in our family so this movie/series is all the more
magical!
1st or 15th. Craig
and Day Day had real problems… Christmas doesn’t make the rent or PG&E being
due go away. They were at work trying to figure out some real life ish. Be
honest, how many Christmas’ as an adult, did you have to make some life
altering decisions? Newsflash: YOU’RE MAKING THEM RIGHT NOW. You make the long drive home (a 1,000+
miles)
but you realize while stuffing your face with a stolen sweet potato pie that
you have to drive them all back, in inclement weather, with a more severe and
inclement bank balance because you and your favorite cousins LIVED…and
direct deposit didn’t hit the account. Oh, just me?
U. U is
for Uncle…cause we all have a cool Uncle Elroy, specifically an Uncle with a special
life situation. In this case, my man was dating Sugar, dropped her, and got
with the younger sister, Cookie. C’mon now. You already know the dinner
conversation: Hey Unc, who that
is? That’s [insert name here] *snickers under his breath* …her SISTER. *aunties in the kitchen* You know that fool ain’t neva been ish, he gonna catch
something… Just nasty… Girl, you know that’s the last one’s sister. Well no wonder she didn’t answer me, I called her by
her sister’s name! *laughter
and communal sipping of spiked tea*
10. Issa
Poorty, and it gets cracking right around 10pm. For Craig and Day Day, it was a
kick back to pay the rent. For me and my house, it’s a turn up at Uncle Tommy’s.
Or down at the Post. Fried Fish. Dominoes. Catching Up. Music. Clowin’ around. Remember when… How they doin… You still talk to so and
so? Remember last year when yall lost?! Run it back! Yall,
one time I kicked it so hard, I woke up in one of the beds in not my house
to the smell of breakfast. I have no recollection of how... Best. Night. Ever.
The party might look a little different for you and yours, but the feeling is
the same.
2.
Something happens…at the family dinner, major celebratory event, or in Craig
and Day Day’s case, their rent party – which doubled as a celebration of the
return of Damon from jail – because someone’s always returning from somewhere,
or redeeming their lives from a brink of something #WontHeDoIt #OhYesHeWill. There
was a happenstance
bathroom meeting with Damon and a magically delicious lucky charm. We even
got a live performance of the nut cracker #TheRemix. And the turn up continued…
∞. Because
some of you use the Lifetime cinematic equation to compute an official Christmas
Movie, Friday After Next includes
the necessary variables. There's
a Santa. The presents are returned. You even get a tree that doubles as a
bat. Donna makes snow on the storefront windows. There are carolers. You even get a
happy ending where Craig gets the girl…though, he gets the girl at the end of
all the movies. So he’s kinda practicing to be Uncle Elroy in the future. Which
means the cycle will continue. Family traditions are preserved. The days future
come are saved.
Solange (my baby sister) &
Beyonté (me) will have
a virtual panty party this Christmas season. Solange will probably be sporting
a very fashionable headdress (get
you one!). I’ll be wearing the silk scarf Uglee got me from the hair store
in Gardena when we were black baby bruins. We will both, however, be sporting
our very best sleeping panties, cackling whilst repeating every line to Friday After Next. Cause, it’s not small in here… You’re
just big in here.
Honorable mentions include Trading
Places, Die Hard I & II, A Huey Freeman Christmas (The Boondocks),This
Christmas (c’mon
now, it’s Idris…), and Nothing like the Holidays (I really just want some coquito...like, lo necesito ahora por favor) .
Merry Chri’mah Nucka! From
Pinky & Teezy Nucka!
Also,
just in case I wasn’t clear – don’t come to California. We full. Our cup
runneth over. Stay in your winter. Remember how much you like seasons.
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