If I were Wesley Snipes
writing my I may never see you again, you changed my life
letter, of all the people who passed through my human experience, Nickie (NB)
would get one.
Definitely.
He would have to read it
between trips because he is a pilot. There was a time when that made me fearful
of airplanes (I
knew him way back when)
but I have no worries about it today. He doesn’t spend much time on land. He is
super busy making the skies super friendly.
I miss him.
Before airplanes, he was a kid
from Kentucky starting school at Middle Tennessee State University.
Before this, I was a kid fresh out of graduate school starting her first
professional full time student affairs position. And, we unknowingly started
these lives together.
I was not sure that he would
realize his dreams as a first year Aerospace major living on the 7th
floor of Cummings Hall. Not that I didn't believe he had the ability, or drive, or passion to
do it, I just didn’t think that I would not be around to see it. He would be my
resident for a designated period of time, and we would matriculate to the next
season in life. I did not know that we would know each other beyond our time in
Murfreesboro. Though we had a great relationship, our histories, our
backgrounds, our interests, our lives were so divergent. I believed I would eventually
see less and less of him, until a time when he would be something, and I would
be somewhere else. And that was okay.
Until it wasn’t.
I was on one of my random road
trips. Not really random, it was my annual holiday pilgrimage home. This year,
it was from Hamilton NY to Hooks TX. I’ll
wait while you google map that. I cannot stay awake for more than 20 minutes of
an hour car ride, but I can (and have) drive 20 hours
straight. Crazy, right?
So, on this epic road
excursion in my explorer circa 2008, I was passing through Kentucky. I planned
to stop in Clarksville TN for a short break, gas, food, and a kiss from my
great uncle James. Only, I was still in Kentucky, and it was getting darker and
darker. And it was raining. And it was December. And it was 40 degrees. And I
was driving. Alone.
Then the temperature dropped
another 10 degrees. And it started raining harder. It was later in the evening.
I wasn’t afraid though, considering the circumstances. But I knew this was
dangerous. And I know that I was not qualified or capable to do this on my own.
I slowed my speed. I began looking (though incredibly difficult
to see) for
places I could potentially exit the Interstate. I was preparing myself for that
call I was going to have to make to my great uncle who had no idea I was en
route because an important part of these epic road trips is not telling anyone
I’m on them. I mean, because, well…I be last minute with –ish and I think it’s
a super awesome surprise to just show up. The looks on people’s faces?!?! LOVE
IT! Which is also clear indicator that I’m not too concerned about my life at
all. Because, well, current circumstance…
I was planning to get in the
right lane because I was in the left lane driving super slow. I mean other
people were going slow as well, but I was clearly remarkably slower than the
other people used to driving in such weather. As I anxiously made my way down
the Interstate teasing the Louisville city limit, I lost control. Completely.
Emotionally, Mentally, & Physically. I lost control of my vehicle. The
explorer spun violently, round and round,
ending up in the grassy middle Interstate divide. The truck was still running.
No damage though – well no structural car damage. And me? Without knowing what
to do, I just let go of the wheel and let God have His way #grace
I am not even sure I thought I
would die. I mean, I’ve had whoopings that felt more like a near death
experience than this one. But, in that moment I knew that there was nothing I
could do. I rarely give in to helplessness. This was that time.
And I remained on the side of
the road. I decided in that moment that driving a car is silly and I was okay
if I never operated a motorized anything ever again. And, if anyone wanted this
explorer, it would be on the side of this Interstate as is. It obviously
doesn’t need me since it wants to drive itself.
A man eventually came to my
truck to see if I was okay. He pulled his vehicle to the opposite side of the
road, crossed the dangerous lanes and made sure I wasn’t hurt. He inspected my
outsides and was relieved to see that I was okay. But he knew very well just
how bruised I was on the inside. He reassured me that I could do this. That my
car was okay and I could drive it to my destination. He helped get my truck
back on the Interstate and followed me to my exit.
But that was my problem. My
destination. I was in Louisville KY, about 200 miles from Clarksville TN and Louisville
was still about 675 miles from Hooks TX. I had no idea where I was going to go.
It was super late at night, still raining, still less than 30 degrees outside,
and still shaken up. Out of desperation I called Nickie. I mean, he said if I
was ever in his City to call him, right?
Hey Nick! What’s
going on?!
Nateezy!!!!
Wassssup!
*he’s so
intoxicated, kinda actually so*
So….guess where I
am?
You’re
in KY? No sh*t?! What are you doing here?
Well, I was heading home to Texas, I thought I would
call and say hi… *awkward
pause* Um, actually…I am scared to death.
I’m on the side of the road. My car spun off the road and I don’t know what to
do.
*CRYING,
actually*
Come to my house. You can stay with me. *in the most calm and
sober tone ever*
Nickie, I can’t come to your house. What are your
parents going to say when you bring on old(er) black lady into the house in the
middle of the night? Um, you’re white. We’re in KY. #ConnectTheDotsBro
It’s
okay, don’t trip. #NickieReallyLovesMe
…and with that, I put his
address in the GPS and did exactly as he instructed me to do. It took me
forever to get to his house, because well…cars aren’t supposed to do that kind
of thing to me. But I made it there.
Nickie gave me a hug with that
same smile he greeted me with the first time we met. He grabbed my bags, let me
relax, shower and we did shots of Jack Daniels until I was the old lady he once
knew again. Happy. Excitable. Engaging. Fun. Silly. He stayed up with me all
night until I found me again. The brave me. The me who bounced back from
horrible things to be more amazing than the time before.
That’s the beautiful thing
about the human condition – when you finally accept your humanity, and it's imperfectness. Being in
relationship with people. Nickie and I have known each other since 2006. In
that moment, I horcruxed part of me in him, and he in
me. And I mean we gave each other these very pure, very whole, very loving parts
of ourselves from our MTSU tenure. They’re self sustaining. Can you understand
that? Because, when we get together, it’s the most amazing experience two
people could have. I’m not indebted to Nickie for that moment in life. It cost
him nothing, and he probably would have done it for a complete stranger. I am
indebted to him because there is this place in his heart that is just for me,
no matter the size. Nobody gets the love that’s grown in that space – it’s for
me and I'm imprisoned in that space for all time. And that is a gift; that is a sacrifice that most
humans condition themselves to not make.
I have thanked him time and
time again for that moment. For that moment that was really a moment between
the two of us. His parents never came downstairs that night, and didn’t see me
leave the next day. I never told anyone in my family because I did not want
them to worry. I cannot even begin to imagine what goes through my Daddie’s
mind when his girls are out living, let alone driving 1,400 or so miles all
alone. So I never said a mumbling word about it, for the longest time.
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