The Rupaul Sighting At The Chicago Marathon #ThatWasnt

…because you all love me so much and read all some of these things that I post, I thought I would share this. Remember my friend, as in the guy that is super funny that I totally haven’t met yet but have to introduce him as my friend so this doesn’t seem weird? Yes! That guy from yesterday!!! Well, he decided to recount his Chicago running experience, and now that I have FINALLY stopped laughing, I can share it with you!

OK... So here we go. Chicago is an awesome city with crazy fan support for the marathon. Nothing is more awesome than thousands of people screaming at random strangers as we all foolishly run these insane distances for God only knows why. Yeah 26.2!! We are so stupid. Runners are one of nature’s punch lines. Anyway... Let the stupid begin. My race Chronicles:

1) Couple things I learned early through my own stubbornness... It’s difficult to run with a full bladder and my threshold for holding my breath in a marathon port-a-potty is about 30 seconds. Forced the ‘p’ out so fast almost gave myself a hernia.

2) There’s such a thing as having too many running accessories. Runner has a full book bag, a running belt with six water bottles and other stuff on it. He has a full set of keys clipped to another belt and he’s jingling. Is he running or going camping?

3) 6 miles in. A guy is running in drag (I think) and I swear its Rupaul. So much so that I got up some nerve, ran up on him, and had this exchange:

..or nah, bro? LOL

Me: Rupaul, Rupaul!! What's up man!

Him: Huh? What!? (Sounding pissed!!)

Me: (switching it up) Oh my bad, I thought you were my man Paul that I went to college with. (I sped up... Checked behind me to see if he was chasing) Moving on...

4) 10 miles. I'm starving!!! Got two fig newtons from a race supporter and i swear fo’ God those fig newtons were the greatest ever made on earth. I so wanted to double back but was secretly wishing that he’d get in a car and drive further up in the race so I could see him again. Race hunger makes you irrational.

5) A Native American is in sight and I swear I have no idea this person’s gender. But he/she her/him’s hair was amazing. Is it relaxed? Calves were masculine, facial bone structure somewhat feminine. I stayed within eyesight for about 4 miles trying to figure it out. I got no resolution.

6) Man down. “Too many d@mn accessories” guy is receiving medical attention. Ummm... yeah. I guess he should pitch his camping tent now.

7) 17-18 miles: A small child sent directly from heaven gave me a blue jolly rancher that I so desperately needed. Thank you God, the everlasting Father for sending me your baby candy angel. That Jolly Rancher had a slow sugar release as I let it sit in my mouth for easily 4 miles.

8) An Asian guy is running in a full suit and tie. Jackass. That is all.

9) Mile 20’ish: Two ladies are sort of fussing because apparently one spat water on the other inadvertently at a water stop. Collateral damage I say. We're too far in to these miles for this foolishness

10) Mile 22'ish. Barefoot marathoners? Really? My ankles and achilles would explode. Either that or I'd have athlete's feet up to my crotch.

11) 22 - 23 miles. The 400 lb marathon monster always jumps on my back around these miles. Geez. I feel like a pack mule... the mule who carried Jesus... only the 12 disciples are on me too. This is stupid. Chicago is dumb.

12) Mile 26. What is the deal with these marathon organizers putting hills at the end of the courses? Haven't I proven myself enough?? Can I get a flat finish? Why, Lord whyyyy??

13) I'm finished (hooray me!) And now I'm hording and gathering these snacks like I'm grocery shopping. I think I have a banana tree in my goodie bag along with everything else that was already in there... Make that two good bags. It's amazing the sympathy you get from race volunteers when you’re walking like your 100/years old with dried salt streaks on your face.

Them: Congratulations on your finish!

Me: *thinking* less talking, more snack giving

14) I can't stand the smell of me right now. Next up, 1/2 Ironman in two weeks. #IGotProblems

Didn’t I tell yall that I love this dude?!?! Hit him up! Congratulate him on his Chicago Marathon greatness. Tell him how crazy awesome he is for taking on an Ironman! Or pray for him, because he knows what he’s doing, and he does it anyway… You got the info…but if you’re too lazy to go to yesterday’s post, here you go: m.kendrick.miles@gmail.com