Felicia & Tyrone Had A Baby. . .

How do I know that? Because I’m that unfortunate child. It’s a shame to have this level of education and intelligence (book sense) yet consistently fail like this (no common sense) at life. Did you know I studied physiological sciences in college? I actually know what caffeine does to a person, yet I took a caffeine pill with FULL knowledge that I don’t normally have caffeine AND that I have increased my physical activity #14in2014 exponentially. I hate myself. And me. And I.

Here was my Tuesday in the office…

So, I had the greatest idea this morning. In the car. In the car in the parking garage. In the car, in the parking garage, at work…and the green grass grew all around and around. Myself was tired, so self thought to myself, “Myself, since you hate coffee, why not just take some caffeine? It’s what people get from coffee anyway, and it might just wake you up…without staining your Crest smile.” And Myself said to Self, “You know what Self, that’s a brilliant idea!” And then Myself thanked Self, and they got out of the car. Where did "I" go?

That was at 8:29am. Halfway up the two flights of stairs to the office, at 8:31am, I realized I left my lunch in the car. So I went back down the stairs, to the car, then back up the stairs. When I got to the spot on the stairs where I realized I left my lunch, I glanced at my phone. It was still 8:31am.

I am Flash. He got his super speed from caffeine. This feels awesome!

Only, this was the WORST idea I’ve EVER idea’d…and yes, I’m still the same person who attempted to climb the Eiffel Tower AND ran 9.3 miles after having Hangar One Vodka the night before.

I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot that can also feel the skin on her middle toes. And hear my aorta working. It sounds like music coming from “Dre Beat’em Up” headphones. Yo…I wonder if anyone ever used their heartbeat to make a beat? That would be sick. My heart sounds like the beat from Oh No, with Twista rappin at an Avril Lavigne concert. Kanye would LOVE this sound. Hip Hop hates me for that music mash-up. I’m sorry.

I need adult supervision. At all times.

I feel like the child of Felicia from Friday and Tyrone Biggums from the Chappelle Show.  People should have to apply to procreate. Even the fictional characters. Because somehow they made me.

Okay, so here is a list of things to NEVER do after having taken a caffeine pill. In hella random order. You thought I was on tangents before? Welcome Aboard the Leer Jet of Tangental Thoughts!

Hot Tea. Nothing is inherently wrong with having a hot pomegranate tea after caffeine. Only, you should find a friend to get the tea for you, walk the cup to your office, and place it on your desk. Have you ever tried holding something whilst your body shakes like a mild earthquake? It’s dangerous. Oh…and have said friend sweeten it for you. There’s so much honey in this tea, I’m on Winnie the Pooh’s Most Wanted List. Fairy tales are coming after me! Help! And maybe they should drink it for you. I have 3^rd degree burns on my thoughts.

Origami. Yes, I fold paper cranes when I’m stressed, bored, or have a piece of paper in front of me. Yo, these cranes are sooooo cute! But like my attention to folding details is so high, it took me like 30 minutes to make one. I’ve never concentrated so hard on not concentrating so hard on something in my entire life. I like paper cranes. They’re cute. I just scratched my neck.

Work. Maybe you shouldn’t go to work. I’m sure my staff thinks I’m crazy. Like they thought I was crazy before, but like, they legit think I’m crazy. I watch their lips move, but I don’t hear anything…and I get super excited over the things I think they’re saying to me. That made no sense. Don’t believe me? Just watch. What time is it?

Skip Breakfast. Apparently it helps to have food on your stomach. Welp. I didn’t read the directions. Maybe I shouldn’t skip those either. That bagel sandwich was EVERYTHING! It was soooo good. Skip? Hmmm, what does Phase 10, Peanut Butter and that dude Miranda from Sex in the City dated all have in common? #WellDone

Talk To Your Friends. They are NEVER going to let me live this one down. I have no idea what I’ve been saying to them all morning. The fact that I have no idea what I’ve said and I’m this awake is a problem.

Those are the things to never do. Here are the things that are REALLY DIFFICULT to do with a caffeine pill:

Count how many times you blink in a minute. Yo….like seriously. I can’t keep up with my blinks. I’m trippin out because I’ll blink like 10 times really fast, then my eyes just stay open. It’s like my eyes are one of those flipping book things…with pauses! This is freaking me out. I just blinked 8 times uncontrollably and kept my eyes open for 23 seconds! UNCONTROLLABLY!

Walk. I can’t keep up with myself. It looks like the world is moving in slow motion, but I’m going so fast. I think I walked too fast, I walked into the Matrix. Where did that white rabbit go?

Drive. It’s really difficult to drive because I keep passing my car up. I’m walking faster than the speed of sound. You didn’t even hear what I just said.  And yes, You’re Welcome.

Sit Still. I’m one neck scratch and involuntary shake away from running around the perimeter of campus. In boots.

Man, I should take one of these things before a race. I wonder who would cross the finish line first? Me? Myself? Or I? They should hold hands and do it together. Free At Last, Free At Last, Thank God my body is Free At Last. Wait. What?

Why do they sell beer in six-packs if you end up with one beer belly? Sounds like false advertising to me.

I’m never having caffeine again. I wonder if you can get a prescription for this stuff. I feel great! I think I’m going to crash really hard. Someone come get my keys. Doesn’t matter, I can walk faster than my car. I can feel my skin…it feels brown.

It took me exactly 5 minutes and 36 seconds to type this. With interruptions. Told you. Speed of sound. You Can’t C Me.