Sh!t Smart People Say

Act like you’ve been somewhere before. #Unc

I guess reading makes you smart. #SisNo.4

Two very smart people said things that, at first hearing, don’t seem too smart. But follow me. I’m going somewhere and I hope you’ll join me.

I am finally old enough to chaperone field trips y’all! My Uncle allowed me to chaperone his sixth-grade field trip, and the joy I felt at being that type of responsible adult? Unspeakable. Upon arriving to the location, the kids went crazy. Y’all. I mean, they had just calmed down from the fact that they weren’t riding on a big yellow school bus, but one of those luxury transit vehicles. With air conditioning, electrical outlets, tables, and a movie showing on the drop-down screens. 

My Uncle leaned into me and said, They act like that because they ain’t never been nowhere. Now you and your sisters, y’all been somewhere before. I took his remarks as slight annoyance, as most teachers are, when their class is overly exuberant about something. Also, I recognized that, while I don’t identify with traditionally privileged communities considering my humble beginnings, I was, well, kinda hella privileged (AF) – when, of course, you make all those humble considerations. Unc filled in the gaps my parents could not. Museums. Skating Rinks. Trolly Cars. College Campuses. Beaches. Amusements Parks. Road Trips. He would show up at the house, tell my mother to get us ready, and we would be in the streets with him, being somewhere. Even if it was the first time, and even though we were excited to be there, we always had this feeling that we were supposed to be there.

I mean, even my getting lost, was not about being afraid. I would be lost, walking around, taking it all in. The terror and horror of never seeing my family would not come to me until the moment I was found. And even then, there was no incredible revelation. I would be like, Aw, man. That would have sucked. And, get lost at the very next place.

Now, I get there are social, political, and economic structures that explain those kid’s behavior. I’m not judging them. Honestly, I’m glad they can say that they’re going places. (I just wish their own Uncles will take them! I’on care that’s yo’ teacher. He was my Uncle first!) I just didn’t realize, that, perhaps walking around UCLA’s campus like I owned it, came from every conscious and unconscious learning experience of having been somewhere. Or, that upon learning everything I learned there, I learned the devastating brutality of my ancestor’s building this of country. So, UCLA is like both ours, but I only get to wear it sometimes. #mygrandmamagavemethatchain

My sister called me, frustrated by a recent racist classroom experience. One in which her instructor said something so blatantly racist, that her immediate reaction was to pack up her belongings, leave the class, and wait for the next one to start. And because we’re smart kids and like to learn, she obviously did this from the front row of the classroom as the class debated the physical differences of the Black race, making them anatomically predisposed to athletic endeavors.

Y’all. What year is it? Because I may or may not have questions depending on your response.

In our venting, we somehow got on the topic of books, to which she said, I guess reading makes you smart. By the end of the conversation, she agreed that perhaps that sounded silly. But when I thought about it, she was right. It’s just a guess. I’m sure that instructor technically read things to be issued the academic certification to prepare teachers to be culturally sensitive to their students (this whole situation is laughable), but Class, I ask you, did the instructor’s reading make her own self smart?

This is all on the heels of that meme going around about that personal pan pizza reading challenge. When we were kids, we would go to the public library (not even a quarter-mile away from our house) and participate in those summer reading challenges. My sisters and I would finish them so quickly, that we wondered if we would ever figure out the challenge. It’s a book. You read it. When you finish it, you know things. Then you read another. We answered our questions with encyclopedias. We stumped librarians, teachers, and our parents with our ability to analyze information and transition it to different contexts. And this wasn’t some superior knowing or anything like that. We just had different kinds of questions because we read things…and acted like we had been places. (seeing that reading can take you places, it wasn't that hard an act)

It’s 2020 after all (about those questions I now have). You can put on a headset in the comfort of your own home and wifi, and literally go somewhere. Without transitioning time zones. Having not earned a single frequent flyer mile. And summa’yall can’t act like you been somewhere before. I mean, you spend 75% of your day looking at all the places other people went on social media and you can’t even act like it with the pictures right in front of you. I thought pictures made it real? You read the captions on the post, and I would have guessed that reading made you smart, but I’m not so sure.

My degrees are hanging on the wall of my family home, and nowhere else. Not because of my desire, but at the kindly worded threat request of my parents. Many people use those types of things to signify their aptitude. They’re not wrong, technically’ish. It’s just that if you have ever walked into any place I have lived or worked, you saw pictures of all the places I’ve been, and the books I have or will read. Those were always the indicators of my intellectual capabilities.

At least the only ones that mattered to me.

Also, we might need to start that reading challenge back up. I want some RoundTable.

How many books I gotta read? When I gotta finish? (you know we gotta adjust the number of books and timeline to account for summa’yall needing glasses and naps and whatnot) Who got me?

What I’m reading: Glow by Jessica Maria Tuccelli

Where I’m going: Montgomery, Alabama – Selma to Montgomery 51 Mile Relay After I wake up? The living room. That ‘rona got a playa grounded.

What y’all reading? What room in ya’ place you going to? #BeSmart

Felicia & Tyrone Had A Baby. . .

How do I know that? Because I’m that unfortunate child. It’s a shame to have this level of education and intelligence (book sense) yet consistently fail like this (no common sense) at life. Did you know I studied physiological sciences in college? I actually know what caffeine does to a person, yet I took a caffeine pill with FULL knowledge that I don’t normally have caffeine AND that I have increased my physical activity #14in2014 exponentially. I hate myself. And me. And I.

Here was my Tuesday in the office…

So, I had the greatest idea this morning. In the car. In the car in the parking garage. In the car, in the parking garage, at work…and the green grass grew all around and around. Myself was tired, so self thought to myself, “Myself, since you hate coffee, why not just take some caffeine? It’s what people get from coffee anyway, and it might just wake you up…without staining your Crest smile.” And Myself said to Self, “You know what Self, that’s a brilliant idea!” And then Myself thanked Self, and they got out of the car. Where did "I" go?

That was at 8:29am. Halfway up the two flights of stairs to the office, at 8:31am, I realized I left my lunch in the car. So I went back down the stairs, to the car, then back up the stairs. When I got to the spot on the stairs where I realized I left my lunch, I glanced at my phone. It was still 8:31am.

I am Flash. He got his super speed from caffeine. This feels awesome!

Only, this was the WORST idea I’ve EVER idea’d…and yes, I’m still the same person who attempted to climb the Eiffel Tower AND ran 9.3 miles after having Hangar One Vodka the night before.

I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot that can also feel the skin on her middle toes. And hear my aorta working. It sounds like music coming from “Dre Beat’em Up” headphones. Yo…I wonder if anyone ever used their heartbeat to make a beat? That would be sick. My heart sounds like the beat from Oh No, with Twista rappin at an Avril Lavigne concert. Kanye would LOVE this sound. Hip Hop hates me for that music mash-up. I’m sorry.

I need adult supervision. At all times.

I feel like the child of Felicia from Friday and Tyrone Biggums from the Chappelle Show.  People should have to apply to procreate. Even the fictional characters. Because somehow they made me.

Okay, so here is a list of things to NEVER do after having taken a caffeine pill. In hella random order. You thought I was on tangents before? Welcome Aboard the Leer Jet of Tangental Thoughts!

Hot Tea. Nothing is inherently wrong with having a hot pomegranate tea after caffeine. Only, you should find a friend to get the tea for you, walk the cup to your office, and place it on your desk. Have you ever tried holding something whilst your body shakes like a mild earthquake? It’s dangerous. Oh…and have said friend sweeten it for you. There’s so much honey in this tea, I’m on Winnie the Pooh’s Most Wanted List. Fairy tales are coming after me! Help! And maybe they should drink it for you. I have 3^rd degree burns on my thoughts.

Origami. Yes, I fold paper cranes when I’m stressed, bored, or have a piece of paper in front of me. Yo, these cranes are sooooo cute! But like my attention to folding details is so high, it took me like 30 minutes to make one. I’ve never concentrated so hard on not concentrating so hard on something in my entire life. I like paper cranes. They’re cute. I just scratched my neck.

Work. Maybe you shouldn’t go to work. I’m sure my staff thinks I’m crazy. Like they thought I was crazy before, but like, they legit think I’m crazy. I watch their lips move, but I don’t hear anything…and I get super excited over the things I think they’re saying to me. That made no sense. Don’t believe me? Just watch. What time is it?

Skip Breakfast. Apparently it helps to have food on your stomach. Welp. I didn’t read the directions. Maybe I shouldn’t skip those either. That bagel sandwich was EVERYTHING! It was soooo good. Skip? Hmmm, what does Phase 10, Peanut Butter and that dude Miranda from Sex in the City dated all have in common? #WellDone

Talk To Your Friends. They are NEVER going to let me live this one down. I have no idea what I’ve been saying to them all morning. The fact that I have no idea what I’ve said and I’m this awake is a problem.

Those are the things to never do. Here are the things that are REALLY DIFFICULT to do with a caffeine pill:

Count how many times you blink in a minute. Yo….like seriously. I can’t keep up with my blinks. I’m trippin out because I’ll blink like 10 times really fast, then my eyes just stay open. It’s like my eyes are one of those flipping book things…with pauses! This is freaking me out. I just blinked 8 times uncontrollably and kept my eyes open for 23 seconds! UNCONTROLLABLY!

Walk. I can’t keep up with myself. It looks like the world is moving in slow motion, but I’m going so fast. I think I walked too fast, I walked into the Matrix. Where did that white rabbit go?

Drive. It’s really difficult to drive because I keep passing my car up. I’m walking faster than the speed of sound. You didn’t even hear what I just said.  And yes, You’re Welcome.

Sit Still. I’m one neck scratch and involuntary shake away from running around the perimeter of campus. In boots.

Man, I should take one of these things before a race. I wonder who would cross the finish line first? Me? Myself? Or I? They should hold hands and do it together. Free At Last, Free At Last, Thank God my body is Free At Last. Wait. What?

Why do they sell beer in six-packs if you end up with one beer belly? Sounds like false advertising to me.

I’m never having caffeine again. I wonder if you can get a prescription for this stuff. I feel great! I think I’m going to crash really hard. Someone come get my keys. Doesn’t matter, I can walk faster than my car. I can feel my skin…it feels brown.

It took me exactly 5 minutes and 36 seconds to type this. With interruptions. Told you. Speed of sound. You Can’t C Me.

If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it #ToniMorrison

Fortunately for me, there are plenty of books that have already been written that I wanted to read. *wait, did that make sense* I've spent a lifetime between their covers... #MyLovers That's how I managed to live so long. And here is what they taught me. In no particular order...

I bet he smoked Newports.

Catcher In The Rye.

Lesson: I can totally relate to White people.

I read Catcher in the Rye when I was in High School. I was in Advanced Placement classes. Every morning, I would catch SamTrans (the 6A) to Menlo-Atherton High School with a group of people who looked like me and lived where I lived. By the time we made it down the main hall, I was sitting in a classroom looking like the only person like me. Their lives diverged from mine, like I did from my friends in the morning. Enter J.D., writing about a kid with a life struggle that looked like mine. A life lived in the silence of my mind. His skin, uncolored by those words, repainted my reverie. I saw my life depicted on the chalkboards. I realized that I have “white people” problems too. And, they sucked just like my “black people” problems. Who? Knew? And our lives converged in that moment, like the final bell reuniting me and my friends as we dug for our bus passes.

Thanks for not rottin' in that jail Miss Sophia.

The Wedding.

Lesson: Love is the hardest thing any person can ever do.

Will the world ever be ready for an interracial couple? Yup. Thanks future children of the world.  We have some awesome parenting happening. The world in The Wedding was not ready for Shelby and her beau. Navigating her “stay in the color lines” life was tough when you sprinkle love in it. But, if it’s not color, it’s something else. Right? You meet someone, you fall in love and you see your entire future. Then you are confronted with each other’s families. And how do you explain the difference in color, or income, or profession, or interests, or religious beliefs, or political ideologies? You try to explain it, but to no avail. And then you have to choose. What you knew before your love, or the love you know defines everything you endeavor to become. Shelby was certain. She came home and found doubt. She ran into temptation and was almost convinced. She faced her love and said “I do”. And nothing about that was easy for her to do. Or me to read.

Las Mariposas #ImBilingual

In The Time Of The Butterflies.

Lesson: Women are more powerful than they will ever know.

I have six sisters. And I could not wait to go to college and share a room with 2 other girls that I did not know, because I had been living with my sisters forever – and they got on my nerves! Right? The house was too small. Everybody was always in my business. Quit wearing my shoes! Why did you tell on me? Ugh. My sisters were nothing like the Mirabal sisters. Only, they absolutely are. Smart. Strong. Confident. Beautiful. Loyal. Creative. Passionate. I did not see that after I read the book. It took some time, maturation, and distance to realize how powerful we were together. No man has ever survived an interaction with the Gurley sisters, without sustaining some type of injury. No man was crazy enough, to consider being considered a suitor to one of us, if it meant he had to confront us the group. As a collective. Power is not always in the numbers. But, there are indeed a number of us Gurley’s. And we are absolutely powerful.

FOLDIN!!!!!!

 Sadako & The Thousand Paper Cranes.

Lesson: Hope will save your life.

I read this book in the 5^th grade. While reading the book and studying the meaning in our class lessons, we learned to fold paper cranes. As a class, we made 1,000 paper cranes on some of the prettiest paper I had ever seen in my entire “I’m in 5^th grade” life. I stayed after school to make cranes. I took paper home to do them. I folded cranes on the school bus. I even made a few in Church. Sadako did not live *spoiler* but somehow she survived. I never termed that as “hope” but that’s exactly what it was. Her belief in that thing, the 1,000 paper cranes saved her life, and the lives of everyone involved. Don’t believe me? Think about it. You are reading about her right now. And, when I get stressed out (like all the time) I fold paper cranes.

Haven't touched a kite since.

The Kite Runner.

Lesson: Keep your word. People are depending on it. And you.

The truth? There are more lessons to learn from this book in this lifetime and the next one Erykah was singing about #We'llBeButterflies. Oh man. I remember vividly crying whilst reading. I have shed a tear or ten reading a book before, but the tsunami that came out of my eyes that night as I finished The Kite Runner? Let’s just say that a colleague in the office asked me if I was having trouble at home and needed to speak to someone confidentially at the Counseling Center. I remember the part of the novel, in which he is trying to adopt the little boy, save him from the tragedy called his life, written in those pages. He promised to save him. To give him a #NewLife because everyone needs one, once in a while #Intro, and that little boy earned his two times over. But he could not do it. He had to leave him there. He could not (immediately) fix the world. He could not make good on his word. It was not for a lack of trying, or doing the right thing, asking the right questions, making the right meetings, or any of that. The world did not want that man to be great that day. He had every right to give up, despite giving his word, but no way, Boss! In that moment, I realized that I would use every inch of my life to keep my word. Because someone, somewhere is depending on it. They earned my word. They deserve it. #mywords

And then I read Ten Thousand Splendid Suns. I took a short hiatus from reading shortly after.

I prefer grape jelly anyway. #NoCrust

The Butter Battle Book.

Lesson: You don’t have to be wrong, for me to be right. #YouAreProbablyWrongThough

Now, I totally think I’m right, about everything. That’s the irrational me. That’s the person you are almost always speaking with – The Right One. Now, the logically thinking intellectual me (about to get on my evidence of absence-absence of evidence ish) understands that while there is indeed a “right” and a “wrong” not every circumstance that has a “right” requires there to be a “wrong” to balance the see-saw. Because there are more than just see-saw’s on playgrounds. Swings, slides, tetherballs, hopscotch…I mean, all kinds of things! Freakin’ 4-Square man! You can potentially make 3 new friends! So what were the Zooks and Yooks fighting over? Whether or not they should eat their bread with the butter side up or down. In the midst of trying to determine which one was the correct way to dress toast, they never stopped to see that, “Hey, we’re all eating bread with butter!” The real tragedy was that they almost killed themselves trying to prove the other wrong. It was then I realized, I would never argue my position to destruction. If I’m right (which I typically am), I will pray for a life long enough in which time proves my point on my behalf. I can use that saved breath arguing about football with my Uncle who is NEVER wrong.

Yes. That was an important life lesson from Dr. Seuss, even though it was about the Cold War. Judgement? I’ll wait.

Yes! There are pictures!*

The Alchemist.

Lesson: The things I want in life are usually the things that are really hard to get. #DoWork #ChallengeAccepted  #AlchemistInTheMaking

Why it took me so long to read this book, just like the tootsie roll pop, the world may never know. I will never forget the words I read. Mostly because I keep reading them. About love, self discovery, gratitude, trials, tribulation, service, the unknown, the journey, perseverance, and Belay On! I think, in lieu of my parents, this book could have raised me. Such wisdom. Alchemy is hard work. I mean, after Jesus turned water to wine, the miracles kinda stopped there. This kid’s life was tough, yo. He had to say goodbye to his love. He had to have faith she would be there when he returned. Hell, he had to have faith that he would return. He suffered. Yet he continued on. And most importantly, he was honest about his fears. That’s what compelled me most of all. Honesty through whatever came. Maybe that’s the hard part about being an Alchemist. Being honest. See! I’m still learning ish! Damn Paulo… You. Are. Good.

*In the equally moving graphic novel version.

…honorable mention…

Dear World, Do Better.

PUSH

Lesson: We live in a f*cked up world.

Nope. Not about to have me on this post talking about what I read in that novel. Nope. Not about to do it. The only reason a person can write about stuff like what’s in PUSH is because we live in a world where it is possible. And not possible like a once in a lifetime “you can see the aurora borealis from your bedroom window in Idaho” possible, but an “I’m going to get in my car and drive to work” (which happens every freaking day) possible. As a world of people, we are f*ckin horrible. We need to do better.

…(un)honorable mention…

Grey ties startle me.

50 Shades of Grey (and then it got darker, and I’m waiting to be freed)

Lesson(s): I need more hobbies; Sex – o_O um…about that? #NooooShe(me)WasntReady

I have no excuse for how quickly I got through all three of those books aside from acknowledging that I need a hobby. Curiosity killed the cat, my prospects for the future and my innocence. Father God In Heaven WHY did I keep reading?! My sissy pooh Shellie read them too. After she finished them, she called me and asked me if I was okay. She knew that I was distraught. I sooo was.

Okay. Sex. Who knew it happened like that? I mean hold my pearls, my mule and my spleen…does this stuff really happen? Do y’all really get down like that? Y’all are nasty! I had to google a lot of the stuff they talked about. I’m not afraid to admit it. Mostly because I’m ashamed to admit it. You have to pick one. You can’t be afraid and ashamed at the same (damn) time. I feel like, I’m legally an adult, so I should know this stuff. But, I watch cartoons every morning, so my grey *heehee* matter hasn’t caught up with the age on my driver’s license.

Anastasia, honey chile, you are one brave fictional woman. And yes, I'm going to see the movie.

What books informed your life lessons? What are you honorably mentioning? What's on your #CCOD list? Don't worry, I won't tell. Talk to me...