Mama Nooooo!!!!!!

Tiana be like, "we cousins, on my Mama side."

Yo, what is up with Disney’an’nem? He got some unresolved Mama issues. I didn’t trip on it until I literally tripped on it. Now I know what you’re thinking, and you are right. I am crazy. But I’m right. And that’s what matters.

BAMBI

It all started with Bambi.

I know we all gotta go, but man? You killed a damn deer? So now Bambi gotta figure out how to hunt and fight and ish with no Mama. I was six you jerk! Do you know who I learned to deal with peer pressure and bullying from? MY MOTHER. I would have been a vegetarian if my family wasn’t from Texas. And if my grandfather had not been an avid hunter. I bet that damn hunter didn’t even have a license.

Point being, no animals died in front of me on Papa’s watch. All the motherless squirrels were shot too. #completion

SNOW WHITE

This woman sent a specific prayer up to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Not only did she make her request known to them, she gave the specific details for her progeny. Oh how I wish that I had a daughter that had skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as back as ebony. This is where I’ve messed up with my prayers – I leave out the pertinent details. But Snow White’s Mama? Nah. She wanted a baby with Yaki #1, Jet Black. She did that. I mean, there are lots of different shades of black. You have to be specific at the hair store.

Then she died. Giving Birth. #TheDisneySwindle

…and it got worse. Snow White had to find 7 roommates just to live. Housing prices weren’t even that bad in Westwood. You could get a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 other people and survive. Who knew it was that expensive in the enchanted forest?

CINDERELLA

We never actually know when Cinderella’s mother dies. Ever After tried to give us the details, but we only know she was young when it happened. Even when they made Cinderella Black, right? But what do we know? We know that if you see Anjelica Huston or Bernadette Peters come anywhere near your widowed father, you might as well start looking for glass slippers that day! DSW might not have them in your size, and you will NEED to be ready.

You know, the only upside to this one Mr. Disney? Nothing. You even made us hate Julia Roberts, and Susan Saransdon was being a TOTAL JERK to her!

Man I miss Whitney. #RIP  #INeedAFairyGodmotherThatCanSingLikeHer #BrandyDidntHaveNoWorriesAfterThatSong

SLEEPING BEAUTY

So yea, she got a Mama. A pretty one at that. The beautiful Queen Leah. But what happened? Hatin a$$ witch (she was really a witch) cursed her, and now she either has to leave her mama’nem and live in the forest away from all the spinning wheels or import her silk from Asia. And since the enchanted forest didn’t have a port for ships and trading, she has to change her name and leave her mother, basically on the day of her Christening. Oddly enough, it was changed to Briar Rose. Um, hello? Prick her finger on the spinning wheel? Roses have thorns? #ICANT

Disney got a problem with Mamas, Churches and clothes. Shame.

THE LITTLE MERMAID

This one might be the saddest story of all. Especially for Caribbean music. Look, Queen Athena had been performing at all the underwater formal events. Mermaids and Mermen swam from like 3 tides over to come see her. And what happens? They killed her off Pirates of the Caribbean style. Those pirates were like, We heard you be singing our songs and not paying us the royalties… And she was like, Naw, see the way my management is set up… See I had told Sebastian to get those shillings and shells to yall… And um, what had happened was… And they was like, We didn’t get no shillings or shells or ish from nobody. So you gotta pay what you owe.

Ursula straight up sent her goon squad after Ariel's Mama. And that’s how it happened. Mr. Disney, sir. We did not need to see that kind of gangster activity in your movie. Scarface was enough. All of them.

BEAUTY & THE BEAST

I think Mr. Disney got tired by this point. He was like, nobody complained about the missing Mother characters yet, how about I don’t even attempt. And that was pretty much Belle’s life. You know what happens without a mother in the home? Daddy goes crazy. Like legit crazy. They 5150’d him with the quickness. What else happens? Um, daughter rides horses without pants, befriends a clock, sings to candles, reads books to cracked tea cups, and gets relationship advice from kettles.

Her life went extremely well without a mother, right? Do you know how EASY it is to ride a horse in the snow with no pants??? Yea, and we haven’t even touched the beast part of the title.

ALADDIN

He continued with this, why even bother writing a Mother – we could totally save money on the Broadway adaptation mess with Princess Jasmine. On the whole she didn’t turn out so bad, right? Wrong. You thought I was about to say she was all independent and ish, right? The inspiration for Destiny's Child, huh? Hell no. You know what she inspired? These crazy college kids who have theme night parties and dress up like other cultures, races, nationalities for entertainment! I cannot with her. Why in the hell are you going out into the villages and shacks acting like you don’t swim in gold coins (AND LAMPS) like Scrooge McDuck. She did this for fun. For the thrill. Because. She. Could. She even got wishes and to fly around on a carpet that knew sign language.

Only wish I got was not getting rug burn. #NoSignsInvolved

POCAHONTAS

The. Trail. Of. Tears. Man… We don’t know what happened to Pocahontas’ Mother, but we really do, don’t we? It’s that other side of the story of the landing on Plymouth Rock that we only want to remember in November. All too happy to carve into that turkey, ain’t ya? Thankful for health coverage, huh?  So eager to put a dollop of cool whip on that slice of pumpkin pie, eh? Praying over food and thanking the good Lord for the polio vaccination and comforters from Bed, Bath & Beyond sans yellow fever. Yes. That was you.

Pocahontas’ Mother died so that you might get a tryptophan induced ‘itis while watching football.

And you complain about eating leftover turkey.

MULAN

Here’s where it starts to get interesting. Fa Mulan has a mother. She has a father. She even got granny in the house and a dragon to keep her company through the cross dressing phase of her life. It’s okay, college-aged kids work through their identities in all kinds of ways. Not a shocker.

So what are you saying Mr. Disney? Asian people have multiple generations of family all living in the same house because they can’t afford to live alone? Asian women survive childbirth because they know martial arts? Asian people have great health and live forever then get reincarnated into statues that they put in the backyard?

No, what you’re really saying is that the government wouldn’t let Mulan’s Mother have another kid. You kept her alive to throw it in her face that she’d have cramps for the next 40 years and no more kids.

Menopause isn’t coming anytime soon. Her mother is going to basically live doped up on Midol and Pamprin forever. Women. Everywhere. Hate. You.

THE PRINCESS & THE FROG

It hurts my heart to write this one. It’s February. It is the one month a year set aside to celebrate hard working people like Tiana’s father. Just when I was ready to applaud Mr. Disney (silently in a corner ‘cause you still got issues) for not giving the first African American Princess a ridiculous name like Shanaynay, BonQuiQui, or Barackiesha, I started to pay closer attention to what was on the screen.

New Orleans. #HurricaneKatrina

Daddy getting dropped off at the house. #GasMoneyButNoCarOrBusPass

Daddy rubbing his sore back. #NoAffordableHealthCareAct #YesWeCanObamaCare

Sweeping up the shack. #NoVacuum #NoPG&E

Everyone bringing their own bowls to the cookout. Wait.

#UmOkayCantArgueThatOne  #BringingMyOwnTupperwareToo #ILoveGumbo

Then you did it. Daddy died. Disney, you sir are the worst human being ever. Not only is Daddy gone perpetuating the stereotype of no father in the home (regardless of how he left) you leave Tiana with what? A single mother. Why does the first, and only to date, mother of the African American princess have to be a single mother?!?!?! That’s just criminal. Why did you have to do that? They were perfectly fine with the substandard living conditions you sketched. They were so willing to work hard and live life on the hope, THE HOPE, of something better. They didn’t even care about the American Dream! Did you not see all that money Tiana saved in those mason jars?!!?!

You killed the BEST gumbo maker in all the land. There is no tragedy worse than that. How do you expect me to live without that well seasoned rue?

We won’t even touch the frog thing…today.

Princess Jasmine does crossfit. Look at those abs...

Oh there’s more. We haven't even talked about the “unofficial” princesses. Kida from Atlantis? Esmeralda from the Hunchback? Giselle? Jane Porter...her mother-in-law was a Gorilla! I mean damn!

I would say heavy the head that wears the crown but uh, these chicks don’t get that far in Disney movies. Maybe I should say, careful marrying that King. #BirthControl  #YouMightNotEvenWantToAdopt

Yeah. Careful Marrying That King sounds waaay better than everything I just wrote here.

Nobody is ever going to watch another Disney movie with me. 

You can thank AWB for this.