Do You Remember The Time?

...when we fell in love or whatever it was? Naw. That’s not the time I’m blogging about. I’m not even sure we were together then.

I wasn't even ready though.

It was the time, when I realized too, that indeed, that I was a woman.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I’m crazy. Not the point. Should I have known all along that I was a woman? Yea, of course. The lady parts are a dead giveaway. And if I didn’t notice them, I sure in the hell did when puberty decided to vacation in my hormones, right? Nope. I was still climbing trees and practicing to become the first female in the NFL. It was like nothing even happened. 

And I secretly hated all of you. Because I lived in a house full of you. Full of you “lady” people. And I swear’fo’Lawd for like 5 random days a month you started your part-time jobs as Satan’s Executive Assistant. How could he need sooooo many?! Good grief! Just evil for no reason. How can you hate air?!?! You need it to survive.

So it finally made sense why it appeared that we lived in a single parent home. For countless days and nights my Daddie would fall asleep listening to baseball and other sporting events on the radio in his car. So much so, some mornings his car battery would be dead. Why would he suffer such a fate? Because women are insane, for a few days, Every Single Month.

I used to think it was just a show. Those of you, of the female persuasion complaining about the pain, too sick to do anything (besides complain about the scent of Lysol, hangnails, and the dollar/euro exchange rate), craving the craziest mess, crying because you were so happy that one day you thought about something sad, and with super human like strength you’re there, reorganizing the living room furniture because the couch doesn’t get enough sun from that spot. #howdidyoupickitupwithonehandtho  #liketheHulk

I dare you to correct me. #youwerewarned

A cleverly composed and produced ruse to get unsuspecting men everywhere to do your emotional bidding. “Tell me that you love me...not that way...the way you told me 3 years ago...you know, that day you wore that super cute polo sweater that matched my favorite Kate Spade purse.....What? You don’t remember? How Could You NOT Remember?!?!” Gotcha. Dude, you never had a chance. Never.

For many years I suffered the physical pain, and not the emotional imbalance. Until this one day below the Mason-Dixon line...

Me: Man, I want some Chinese food.

Male Friend: Okay. Not sure where that came from, but cool. Where you wanna go?

Me: oooooo! And some Ben & Jerry’s. I haven’t had a pint of half-baked in forever!!!

MF: What?? 

Me: Is today Friday? OMG! Where can we get some catfish and hush puppies? *i hope the have prawns too*

MF: I’m confused. Where are we going to eat?

Me: Everywhere. We’re going to eat everything, everywhere today. Aren’t you so excited?! And I need a strawberry soda. Now. Fix this.

MF: hunh? What did I break? How we going somewhere and the game still on? What is happening with you right now?

Me: I don’t know. But it would behoove you to fix this. Immediately.

MF: I’m not sure what just happened. I’m afraid.

Me: *pissed off* Feed me now or die. *cries* I don’t know what’s happening to me right now... Help me... 

Don't worry My Love, You can have anything you want.

And we ate everything. From every place with a flashing sign – because...because, well (the original) Sparkle was a great movie and they ain’t have to let Sista die like that! Stop asking me all these damn questions! This is not a deposition and you’re not that super cute guy from Suits #HeMakesMyInsidesHappy. What was I talking about?

Oh. I am crazy. Almost certifiable. For 5 to 6 days a month I have emotional weapons of mass destruction ready, locked and loaded. My finger isn’t always on the trigger – but trust, I can locate it at a moment’s notice. Want peace? Come bearing gifts. Dark chocolate. Jack N The Box Eggrolls. Red seedless grapes. Catfish. And soda. Strawberry damn soda.

What’s crazy about all of this? Aside from the grapes, I’on even eat that stuff regularly. But on one unknown day each month I attempt moving the heavens and earth to have them. Have them all. At the same damn time.

And gummi bears. #helpme