Getting To The Core...

In late December, a friend asked a question. She asked our group (of women) to share what their Core Desired Feelings for 2014 would be, as she is fascinated by the concept of speaking aloud her wants, her needs, her desires. Not so fascinating to me. More like scary. For her, speaking them aloud helps with the accountability process. Now that they have been spoken, people will ask about it. Hold her to it. Inquire about her progress. Keep it at the forefront of my mind.

There is life left in you yet young GirlieGurl. #InYourCore

The core. It’s at the center of everything. It’s what gives a thing value. It holds it together. Core training is so important to the human body because everything is connected to the core. You may not eat the core of the fruit, but locked inside it is the key to life anew. That’s what makes these things so important. So terrifying. But so awesome and so necessary.

Speaking aloud my feelings tends to have the opposite impact on me than it does my friend. Once I say them, they become real. That frightens me! Hearing them gives them life. I can feel the heat rising to my head as I blog. What happens if I don’t get them? What happens if they are unachievable? I don’t know, what if I decide to change them? There are so many variables to consider! eeek!

But I’m trying to do better, so I participated in the activity. My Core Desired Feelings for 2014 (as written in December 2013) were as follows:

1.A love unspeakable. #hopefullyIcanwriteitsinceIwantittobespeechless

2.Courageous!! I wanna see you be brave Nateezy! #sarabareilles

3.Relax(ed), Relate(d), Release(d)! I want to be able to always channel my inner Whitley Gilbert…and get a good giggle [out of life].

4.The Will To Give! Mostly because it feels so damn good. Especially when they don’t know it’s coming #CheckYourMail

5. Uncomfortable. …and not in an unsettled, bad, anxious way…but in a way that I’m forced to do something different, try something different, maybe become a different me #KeyshiaCole (um...where she been?)

I said wrote it. I put it out there. And you think they sounds crazy, hunh? See, I knew you would. That’s exactly why I didn’t want to do this in the first place. I don’t really believe that #WellKinda. It’s just what I was thinking at the moment so I thought I would share it with you.

We are halfway done with 2014, I guess we should check my progress…

A Love Unspeakable. Well it’s more like a love unspoken.  I’ve pretty much avoided this part of my life because it’s well…depressing. And you don’t get a medal for it. So there’s that.

Grade: Incomplete. Fail. Didn’t even try. Summer School or nah?

Courageous!! Professionally, I have gotten more in touch with my inner Sarabi. I have spoken in my true, genuine, thoughtful voice, when it was unpopular to do so. But more importantly, when my words were contrary to the group. It’s always a risk. Saying the right thing, when it appears to be the one thing no person is ready to hear or confront. But saying it (and hearing it) challenges and grows you. I still have more to do, but I’m satisfied so far.

Grade: B+

Relax(ed), Relate(d), Release(d)!! I haven’t been in tune with my inner Whitley Gilbert as I would have hoped to be this year. Emotional stress is something else. I’ve been wandering around old wounds that I should really allow my medical health professional to attend to…ASAP. It’s just so much. Almost to the point of embarrassment. Hurts too much, ya’know? But, the running has been helping in this effort. When it gets too big, when it becomes too much, when I cannot make heads, tails or otherwise, I give it away to the pavement. I’ve gotten into a great relationship with my Asics and Saucony’s. We love each other very much. I cheat on them from time to time, but I always come back. Always.

Grade: C

The Will To Give!! This one got off to a rough start this year. It’s been a tough one at work and I haven’t been in a mood to surprise people with gifts like normal. However, I have made great strides in this area. There was the #InvoiceIncidentInApril that brought a friend tons of joy. That one honestly was some of my best work. Without numbering or naming them, I have done some kind things this half of the year. I am pleased with my ability to give and I am working to do more and better!

Grade: A+

Uncomfortable. This one hasn’t been achieved yet. But it isn’t so much for a lack of trying. I love to have fun. I enjoy a great adventure. I’ll engage in a conversation with a complete stranger. I am not sure what it will take for me to get that uncomfortable feeling. I have traveled alone – internationally. I am not adverse to public transportation. I’ll try a new food with little convincing. I am going to have to go back to the drawing board on this one and get a little creative. If I rank ordered these core feelings, this one would be #2. I really want to stretch myself here.

Grade: I need tutoring.

I am glad that she asked the question. That she checked in with us about these feelings. Lord knows I really want these things for myself. Maybe I need to hashtag them as a goal for the year or something, like I did running. I’m more than halfway done with my races. I probably could have knocked this out in a few weeks with some (real) dedication. Maybe not a few weeks, but you know what I mean. I want these feelings like I want these medals.

Nothing to it but to do it. Or at least to figure out how.

What do you want for 2014? What are your core desired feelings? 

...because I'm happy, Happy, HAPPY!!!

Oddly enough, men in bow-ties DO make me happy!

I almost flooded the house listening to Pharrell’s song. I have never been so taken by words, by music, by dancing, by genuine happiness than the moment I sat, watching his 24-hour long video. I was defrosting some stuff, and left the water running. I heard a faint dripping and realized too late that the water was still on, whilst clapping along – as instructed.

This sweet young lady asked to see my list of things that make me happy. Because I might have 99 problems, but making me happy should not be one of them! FMB was able to come up with 50 things on her list. I imagine if I thought long enough, I could come up with 50 or so too. But, I am going share with you 10. Why ten? Because this is a blog, and I already write too much, and I feel like I need to comment on them. I have, in my older age, have come to desire that you know about it. Just knowing it is not enough for me anymore.

The Color Purple: The movie and the color. I could quote lines from The Color Purple every single day. If you ever hang around me and Ernie #He’sRude you’ll hear us speak to each other using lines from the movie. Not even in an offensive way. It is what it is, yo.

Shug was right though. It’s probably criminal to God for us to see the beauty in the color purple and do nothing about it. Not notice it. Not revel in it. Not pause what we are doing with our lives right in that moment - and live in it.

I never miss a chance to accessorize my life in purple.

DSW Shoe Sales: Father God in Heaven, Lord You are mighty in battle and the aisles of DSW. Oh how I bless You among the endless racks of shoes. If it had not been for Your grace and mercies inspiring triple point earning days, 80% yellow tags, free bag giveaways and birthday coupons, I do not know where my feet would be. You said in Your word that You would pour out blessings that there would not be room enough to receive, and my closet is a living witness. #IClearlyWentToChurchToday

Where is this happy place?

Sunflowers: One day, I am going to find a wild and free field of sunflowers. Endless sunflowers. Sunflowers all about me. I’ll walk through them in a lavender sundress and turquoise beaded sandals. I’ll compose poetry in my heart and thank the Heavens for the strength of each stalky stem. I’ll write letters of love in a journal to my somebody’s son until the moment, before the minute the sun retires. I will look up in that moment of a minute. I will see the sun conceding to the illumination of the moon. Stars will lead me back home.

I would have spent an entire day, never speaking a word. Yet, I would have said all there was to say.

Books: As FMB commonly says, with pride, “Readers Are Leaders” – and she would be right. So many books have changed my life, changed me, the very essence of what I think I am, and you would never have known. Like this list of books here. There was this one book that this one guy surprised me with. A friend posted an excerpt from it about love on FB one day, and he bought it for me. It was everything I believe love to be – written many moons ago. And because of my inability to reconcile love and that guy, it remains unfinished.

Hugs: A hug to me is a hello. No waving, just hugging. Want my undivided attention? Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you. I am never so overwhelmed with so many lovely emotions and feelings, like when I am trapped in an embrace. I never wish to be free of hugs, especially the ones meant for good-bye. I never want those to end!

Pictures: Akil, Sean, Poli, Smoke, et al, despised my wait, let me take a picture moments in college. And they paused the moment or recreated the memory for my disposable camera’s flash #kodak… I mean, now, they are awaiting the scanning of the millions of pictures I took on Bruin Walk, at the Wooden Center, in the Dining Hall, and post-game at the Rose Bowl so they can have epic #ThrowBackThursday social media posts. Ahh, so many memories! I could tell the story of us in Westwood with pictures alone. Interesting that I have this disposition for writing. Suppose it makes sense. If pictures are worth a 1,000 words a piece, I’m in worse debt than my student loans #TheSallieMaeStruggle…

Race Medals: Suffice it to say, that I absolutely do not like running. The process of it sucks. The fact that I have to practice running so on race day I can start and finish without medical attention pisses me off. But. Medals. Make. Me. Incredibly. Happy. #14in2014 is basically that. Me, being happy.

Babies: All babies are beautiful. I know we joke about that. But whether or not you find someone (even a baby) physically appealing, the fact that just months ago, there was not this life in your arms in that very moment, how can you not smile? I studied physiology for the better part of my adult life, yet looking at a baby sends me to a intellectually stumped awe. There is this precious living being in front of me, and my only resort is to smile. How can someone who needs you to do every single thing for them, have so much power to make you smile in a single laugh?

Letters: Ever since I was a little girl, I wrote letters. Mostly because the men in my life wrote me. Namely, my grandfather. He would send us handwritten letters from Texas with all the love he could fit in that tri-folded piece of paper. And sometimes a $2.00 bill. I do not write them often, but anytime someone is on my mind for any out of the ordinary period of time, I write them a letter. Because our words become us. And if you put them in the mail, and the recipient opens them, they have you right there with them. For all time.

Music: Ahh music. Something I could go on and on about. I, being a writer, must admit that I do not have the vocabulary or literary aptitude to describe to you what music is to me. Know that it makes me, incredibly happy. Unless it is one of those songs that reminds me of a particular “you”. Then, not so much. But even there, in the middle of it all #songreferencerightthere, I know that at the very least, my heart is still alive – because it feels something. Because it’s all about the little things. The greatest love, is in the little things. There you first find victory, and happiness.

Boobies Make Everyone Happy, Like Bacon!

What an encouraging activity! To list what makes you happy. It is not the easiest thing to do when there is so much sadness in the world, on the roads and linked to our social media pages. But, I bet if every night before you went to sleep, you thought about one, just one thing that makes you happy, before the week ended, you’d always be adding more than one thing to the list.

Try it. You might like it. It might make you happy too.