The Committed Girl’s Guide To: Keeping Your Single Friend Sane, #Kinda

They shop together too. #RideOrDie #FoLifeAndAfterlife

A friend inquired of selected women living single for their wisdom on a matter. On a matter in which they have the intellectual rights and insanity.

Singledoom(dom)(whatever, yo).

She was trying to figure just why a single woman chooses (my interpretation, not her word) against active dating and other forms of the proverbial putting one’s self out there. Why would single woman do all the things to, well, stay single. One answer is obvious: She wants to be single.

But the second one is the more accurate response of the sample of single women from which I pulled none of this empirical data: She doesn’t know.

She has some suspicions because, well, she’s been herself for her entire life, but most single women cannot really pinpoint it, or answer that question in a way that takes the sting, the shock, the stun out of it. Because when the conversation is over, you’re going home to your commitment, and she’s going home to her, um…darkchocolate.

I did not realize the real answer to my friend’s inquiry until I wrote it. It paused my heart a spell. Most single women spend a good portion of their mental and physical energy defending their Singledoom(dom) (whatever, yo), to the point where, one might suffocate from the lack of air.

Most committed people with single friends cannot understand the lack of attachment because their friend is great – stunningly so. And the lack of attachment stuns the friend so.

In the event you have an amazing friend who’s single, here are five (5) things you can do to un-single her. #kinda #sorta #Well,OnWednesdaysAtHappyHourForSure

STOP: Checking In With “Him”

You wanna know why this annoys me so? Not because there is a …him… in my phone that I’m 99.9% over with…it’s because THERE IS A …him… LITERALLY IN MY PHONE THAT I’M 0.01% NOT OVER WITH! OMG! And here you go: I need to call “him” and let’em know I’m going to be late. Oh, I told “him” that I’d pick up his dry cleaning, can we make a stop. Gurl, you won’t believe what he said to me last night after we said our prayers together cause that’s what we do…

Listen, I am literally always one …him… away from a mental breakdown. Don’t be the reason I jump off the cliff into the abyss of Singledoom(dom) (WHATEVA, YO!). I know you got a man. I saw the vacation pictures, they were beautiful! I was five pews behind yall in Church last Sunday because I got there late and my favorite seat was gone. I saw him two cars up holding up in the line at Chick-Fil-A with your complicated order…that made me late to work. I’m your friend, I love you, and I am going to celebrate every happy moment of your relationship with you, because I love you. But I ain’t got nobody but me and these expensive ass shoes I spend my money on. So can we celebrate that sometimes too? #NoYouCantWearThem #Size10

START: Planning Events With Her, Regularly

I have mourned the loss of dear friends to relationships. And when they got married I thought I would spend more time with them. Then they had babies. And I had to let those friendships go, and remake them into something else. Because they have children, and I’m a godmother/auntie/overall bad example now, and committed people hang out with other forms of committed people. And coming by unannounced with a hangover is frowned upon. And hurts.

I own what I did and didn’t do in the maintenance (or lack of) those relationships. And I harbor no ill will. I did what I thought was right, and stepped aside un-begrudgingly. It seemed the classy thing to do, to not vie for the attention. To accept the time would have to be divided between a ring and a uterus – without giving said friend a choice in the matter. I chose for them.

Meet your single friend halfway. Commit to her with your time by doing what you do in your relationship and with your children, if you got the lil tax write-offs bundles of joy. Give her a day, a reoccurring event, a special time of the year, something she can count on from you. That you will commit to, that will be hers, and hers alone. She’ll cherish it. If you suggest it, she’ll probably plan it, and use that disposable income on it! Oftentimes this is left for the single friend to do. Why? Because she’s single. No kids and no man leaves all the time in the world to coordinate such things, right? Mostly, but my dates with depression Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked sometimes run over…so there’s that.

Quit Announcing That You’re Taken

We are happy for you. Really, we are. So much so, we’ve still decided to be your friend even though you’ve attached yourself to someone else. And we have taken this thing a step further and gone out to a social gathering with you. Do us a favor, keep your “boo thang” to yourself!

Look, your single friend is dealing with some real issues. She is probably in the minority if she’s out with you somewhere. If she’s me, she’s usually the only one with no viable “situation” to even lie about long enough to make it through the night. So when that attractive man bravely approaches the group, give her a chance to at least think she can be great, mmkay?

Yes, how rude of him. He came all the way over here and he couldn’t pick out the ONE single friend in the hoard of women. Yea, she probably she should have went out somewhere on her own to actively meet a man, but she’s trying to spend some quality time with her girlfriends and he walked over here anyway, to NOT ask her for her number.

…and what do you do? Announce to the entire room that you gotta man! You know, I finally realized why they wrote that damn song. Your man ain’t got nothing to do with him right now. Your man is getting in the way of you redirecting the conversation to your single friend in a way that has this man thinking SHE was the person he came over here to talk to.

You just selfish.

Send Her Some Mail.

If life doesn’t insult the single woman enough, it sure as hell remembers to injure her weekly. I have moved five (5) times in my adult life. And I have received wedding invitations and birth announcements to every single one of those addresses. My ring finger and my uterus are both bare. And one day, if the Lord says something about it, that will change.

But the mailman came today. And he brought me bills, bills, bills. And the invitation to your wedding. That I will send the RSVP back to, without a +1 because well, I’m just 1.

Help her out! Send her a card. A small token of love. A sign of appreciation for her listening to your relationship highs and lows (which she does because she loves you, and you do the same). Something that will remind her of the day you both became friends. It might just save her night.

…and whatever you do, don’t sign it from us! Send her something FROM YOU!

Accept It.

She has not accepted it, perhaps. But you can. You are in a good (decent? balanced? okay?) place in your life, with your relationship, and all the wonderful beings genetics helped you to create. She might be there. She might be underneath the bottle of wine you gifted her. Either way, she needs to know that you love her, just as she is; and most importantly that her being single isn’t indicative of anything but that.

She’s Single. She’s not dead or unattractive. She might actually be ready and open for the potential of commitment and the joys of sharing half the bed with something other than a hoard of pillows. #ThisIsNotMyLife #StopLookingAtMe

But you don’t work for eHarmony or Paul C. Brunson. So accept it. And buy the first round at Happy Hour.

 

I have spent the better (or otherwise) part of my adult life as single. I wrestle with that fact most days. I have quieted the voices in my life that tell me I am such a wonderful person and cannot understand how life could so cruelly leave me alone. I am waiting for them to return to me with loving acceptance that this is who we are, and that's okay.

I did try the duo thing. A few times. I did my best. I messed up though. I made mistakes. Assumed when I should have just asked. Spoke when I should have quieted myself with the silence in my mind. Not forgiven so quickly. Been more grateful for the moment. Took less pictures. I believed in things that weren’t real. Questioned the right things for the wrong reasons. Held on not so tight. And I should have kept every one of those songs I loved to myself. It all happened anyhow.

And I’m here. Just a “1”. And your friend is too. Waiting for a person who used to make her a “2”. That was you.

It is not your fault that she’s single anymore than it’s her fault that you’re not. Neither of you can do anything about the other. Just don’t make her defend her just one status. If you only get one thing right, let it be that. 

…and the drink order. Get that right.

...because I'm happy, Happy, HAPPY!!!

Oddly enough, men in bow-ties DO make me happy!

I almost flooded the house listening to Pharrell’s song. I have never been so taken by words, by music, by dancing, by genuine happiness than the moment I sat, watching his 24-hour long video. I was defrosting some stuff, and left the water running. I heard a faint dripping and realized too late that the water was still on, whilst clapping along – as instructed.

This sweet young lady asked to see my list of things that make me happy. Because I might have 99 problems, but making me happy should not be one of them! FMB was able to come up with 50 things on her list. I imagine if I thought long enough, I could come up with 50 or so too. But, I am going share with you 10. Why ten? Because this is a blog, and I already write too much, and I feel like I need to comment on them. I have, in my older age, have come to desire that you know about it. Just knowing it is not enough for me anymore.

The Color Purple: The movie and the color. I could quote lines from The Color Purple every single day. If you ever hang around me and Ernie #He’sRude you’ll hear us speak to each other using lines from the movie. Not even in an offensive way. It is what it is, yo.

Shug was right though. It’s probably criminal to God for us to see the beauty in the color purple and do nothing about it. Not notice it. Not revel in it. Not pause what we are doing with our lives right in that moment - and live in it.

I never miss a chance to accessorize my life in purple.

DSW Shoe Sales: Father God in Heaven, Lord You are mighty in battle and the aisles of DSW. Oh how I bless You among the endless racks of shoes. If it had not been for Your grace and mercies inspiring triple point earning days, 80% yellow tags, free bag giveaways and birthday coupons, I do not know where my feet would be. You said in Your word that You would pour out blessings that there would not be room enough to receive, and my closet is a living witness. #IClearlyWentToChurchToday

Where is this happy place?

Sunflowers: One day, I am going to find a wild and free field of sunflowers. Endless sunflowers. Sunflowers all about me. I’ll walk through them in a lavender sundress and turquoise beaded sandals. I’ll compose poetry in my heart and thank the Heavens for the strength of each stalky stem. I’ll write letters of love in a journal to my somebody’s son until the moment, before the minute the sun retires. I will look up in that moment of a minute. I will see the sun conceding to the illumination of the moon. Stars will lead me back home.

I would have spent an entire day, never speaking a word. Yet, I would have said all there was to say.

Books: As FMB commonly says, with pride, “Readers Are Leaders” – and she would be right. So many books have changed my life, changed me, the very essence of what I think I am, and you would never have known. Like this list of books here. There was this one book that this one guy surprised me with. A friend posted an excerpt from it about love on FB one day, and he bought it for me. It was everything I believe love to be – written many moons ago. And because of my inability to reconcile love and that guy, it remains unfinished.

Hugs: A hug to me is a hello. No waving, just hugging. Want my undivided attention? Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you. I am never so overwhelmed with so many lovely emotions and feelings, like when I am trapped in an embrace. I never wish to be free of hugs, especially the ones meant for good-bye. I never want those to end!

Pictures: Akil, Sean, Poli, Smoke, et al, despised my wait, let me take a picture moments in college. And they paused the moment or recreated the memory for my disposable camera’s flash #kodak… I mean, now, they are awaiting the scanning of the millions of pictures I took on Bruin Walk, at the Wooden Center, in the Dining Hall, and post-game at the Rose Bowl so they can have epic #ThrowBackThursday social media posts. Ahh, so many memories! I could tell the story of us in Westwood with pictures alone. Interesting that I have this disposition for writing. Suppose it makes sense. If pictures are worth a 1,000 words a piece, I’m in worse debt than my student loans #TheSallieMaeStruggle…

Race Medals: Suffice it to say, that I absolutely do not like running. The process of it sucks. The fact that I have to practice running so on race day I can start and finish without medical attention pisses me off. But. Medals. Make. Me. Incredibly. Happy. #14in2014 is basically that. Me, being happy.

Babies: All babies are beautiful. I know we joke about that. But whether or not you find someone (even a baby) physically appealing, the fact that just months ago, there was not this life in your arms in that very moment, how can you not smile? I studied physiology for the better part of my adult life, yet looking at a baby sends me to a intellectually stumped awe. There is this precious living being in front of me, and my only resort is to smile. How can someone who needs you to do every single thing for them, have so much power to make you smile in a single laugh?

Letters: Ever since I was a little girl, I wrote letters. Mostly because the men in my life wrote me. Namely, my grandfather. He would send us handwritten letters from Texas with all the love he could fit in that tri-folded piece of paper. And sometimes a $2.00 bill. I do not write them often, but anytime someone is on my mind for any out of the ordinary period of time, I write them a letter. Because our words become us. And if you put them in the mail, and the recipient opens them, they have you right there with them. For all time.

Music: Ahh music. Something I could go on and on about. I, being a writer, must admit that I do not have the vocabulary or literary aptitude to describe to you what music is to me. Know that it makes me, incredibly happy. Unless it is one of those songs that reminds me of a particular “you”. Then, not so much. But even there, in the middle of it all #songreferencerightthere, I know that at the very least, my heart is still alive – because it feels something. Because it’s all about the little things. The greatest love, is in the little things. There you first find victory, and happiness.

Boobies Make Everyone Happy, Like Bacon!

What an encouraging activity! To list what makes you happy. It is not the easiest thing to do when there is so much sadness in the world, on the roads and linked to our social media pages. But, I bet if every night before you went to sleep, you thought about one, just one thing that makes you happy, before the week ended, you’d always be adding more than one thing to the list.

Try it. You might like it. It might make you happy too.

Never Too Much. Never Too Many.

There are rules. Really, really, very important rules when it comes to…buying shoes. I know many of you who know me well are wondering, why did it take so long for her to address THIS particular topic? Well, the answer is simple, I have found something that impacts me the same way that shoes do. Medals. And the fact that you have to buy running shoes means, I have not actually, stopped shoe shopping. I just enhanced my shoe game #likethatsevenpossible.

So, this one time, I was at the register, trying to decide if I really wanted all the shoes I selected, right? I did not feel like I “deserved” them all, and I was not exactly 110% sure about a particular pair. I thought they might go well with this dress I wanted to wear to a wedding, but you know, you never really know, until you know, right?

So I asked him, …what do you think? …do you like these? …or these? …which ones should I get? #INEED2KNOW. Then he said it. You know you want them all. Just get them. All.

The worst thing you could do at the cash register is talk a woman out of a fabulous pair of shoes – especially for a great price. You will never hear the end of it. Ever. And you will spend a small large, sized 10, fortune on many pairs of shoes after that date replacing “that pair” that got away. #dontjudgemyshoesize #MyPersonalityIsReallyTall  #Like6Feet5Inches #Jerk

And then he carried the bags to the car.

Without knowing the rules, he knew the rules whilst shopping with me. Whilst shopping with many of us, of the female persuasion. Support It, or Shut It (up). Never question it. Compliment & Carry (the bags). Be Silent & Be Still. Listen, this is not for the faint of heart. You wanna survive? Follow. The. Rules. Okay, so maybe we’ve spent 6 or so hours shopping. Think of all the cardio we’ve done. I’ll feed you, eventually, but you’re going to have to wait. I see a sale sign.

What are the rules? Take notes…

1.    You like the shoe? You Buy It!

2.    You look good in the shoe? You Buy It!

3.    It’s a comfortable shoe and you love it? Get One In Each Color, & 2 In Your Favorite Color!

4.    You find a great shoe for summer and it’s currently winter on the east coast? Buy It. Hide It. Set A Calendar Reminder With A Photo!

5.    Believe in Shoe Karma! It’s Real. Now here is a really important one. You still taking notes, right? Shoe Karma works a couple of different ways…

a.     The Law Of Thought: If a shoe makes you think of a particular person that was not already on the forefront of your mind, get them. The shoe gods are speaking to them through you. #LetEmUseYou

b.     The Law Of The Loved One: Have a special someone in your life? A special we eat off the same plate or knows which bra is your favorite bra in the world someone #ifheknowsthatthenitsreal. Well, if you do, then for every 3 pairs you purchase for yourself, you must get them 1 pair of shoes.

c.     The Law Of Planned Spontaneous Shopping Trips: Planning to go shoe shopping spontaneously? Invite a friend that does not normally shoe shop. Do your best to convince them to go with! Whether or not they actually make it on the trip, the shoe gods will bless your efforts with an additional 10% off.

6.    Flats are your friend. Honey, I hate to break it to you, but you will not be in your 20’s forever, especially your legs. Now flats are NOT appropriate for every event, but you’ve got to have them! Now remember though, you want a flat shoe, but a supportive sole.

7.    You see those little cut off stocking thingies? Use. Them! They are not for decoration, and quite frankly I don’t know where your feet have been!

8.  There will be no doubting here. The shoes can sense your weakness. Remember Rafiki’s wise words... Look Haaarrrder..... And as Tab says, No pity (or great shoes) for the weak.

9.    Tell The Whole Truth. No woman shoe shopping who stops another woman shoe shopping is fishing for a compliment or the validation she may or may not be getting at home. She really wants to know the whole entire truth about that awful shoe she just put on her foot. Tell Her! For every bad piece of feedback you give, may your patent leather mary janes be scuffed and your white shoes be stained the day before the White Party. #ihopeyoubreakaheel

10. Dust Yourself Off & Try Again! If the first shoe store does not have what you want, call your best friend in a neighboring city or a nearby state. The grail is real. Seek it. Only the worthy shall find them, purchase them, and wear them.

     So, I have great luck when it comes to shoe shopping. The shoe gods smile upon me. It’s because I’m obedient. And, I have built up more shoe karma than the TLC extreme coupon’ers stockpiles. Don’t believe me? Well…

Exhibit A: I was shoe browsing one day. From time to time, I go to shoe stores to clear my mind when I get stressed out. I just so happened to think about my grad school friend sister in Texas. She was preparing for a sorority event and I saw the cutest red and white polka dotted shoes! They were too cute and not my size. I bought them. I don’t even think I called her about them. She just got them in the mail. Later that day, I found boots that went over my insanely large calf muscles!

Exhibit B: I got the best pair of gold shoes this one day. I mean, jessica simpson bet’not’neva make another album. Her shoes are soooooo super gorg! I mean, these strappy platform gold shoes are life. I mean, everything plus shimmer! I saw them on sale months later, for cheaper than what I paid. In my shoe size. Some of you are getting mad – but me? Nope. Bought them. Gave them to my unequally heighted – equally foot sized Shellie Pooh. She had been looking for gold shoes and I did not even know!

Exhibit C: AWB (remember her, I wrote about her izze struggle? the one who inspired this right here) mentioned to me that she needed shoes for a wedding. This was after I regaled her about the amazing tales of shoe shopping I did the weekend prior. No rush, just a particular type of shoes needed, eventually for a wedding. Two weeks later, I was in Nordstrom Rack and found these enzo angiolini shoes I thought would fit her need. I bought them. When she asked me what she owed, I told her nothing. I mean, I only paid $5.00.

I could go on. But I will not. There are shoes out there. Lonely shoes who need a loving home. I must open my heart and my wallet to them. Nurture them. Love them. And look damn good in them! I hope you will consider opening up your heart, and your home, and your tax return to a lovely pair of shoes in need.

I’m off to shop! *in my julia roberts, pretty woman voice*

“With the right pair of (running) shoes, you can accomplish anything...” #14in2014

To Know Him, Is To Want Him...

To know what one does not have, one must first know of all the things they possess. That sounded all deep and ish, huh? Not really. I know. I just wrote it because I need to tell you all (…all the pain he’s caused #musicbreak) about 5 things that I want, that I currently do not have right now, because well…people have questions that need answers.

There are things like a great black purse that’s functional for all kinds of events, or a lighter laptop because I’m deathly afraid of whatever century this is (which one is it again?), a purple pen to write in my journal with, dark chocolate, some roller skates to call my own, a painkiller #WeRockedTheCorner #CodeBlack, a pedicure (it’s rough around these parts, yo), a new book to read, and really, above all, a gottdarn vacation! Whew, they worked a sitsa hard this February…

And I’m sure that would have answered the question, but Gallup says I’m an overachiever, so those aren’t the things I’m going to tell you about. Because they sound silly. So I told the question asker:

I just don’t think about the things I don’t have…or at least I try not to…

         

Well, what do you want? Everyone has wants…

Hot damn! He’s right *please keep that between us* #IAppreciateYourDiscretionInThisMatter. We all have things we want. And if you ask Miss FMB, we can have what we want! Just get a little strength, courage and wisdom to say it! *pause for praise break*

This shoe changed my life. In ways you could not imagine.

Like the Jessica Simpson Ely powder multi-colored pump that I quite literally moved the earth to find. Oh, you thought that random quake in Virginia last year was just Mother Nature having an especially bad cramp? Naw pimp, that was me, on the hunt, for that shoe!

If you’re looking at those wants glass half empty and lukewarm on a Texas summer day, then sure, they are things you don’t have! And nothing about that feeling quenches your thirst. But we are not about that life in these parts. Our mason jar of sweet tea is half full, chilled to perfection, on an 80° day in San Diego, okay? Okay…

Sunflowers: I love sunflowers. This is no secret. If we played the glad game or the game where you have to list all of the things that make you happy, sunflowers are on it! I love them. Surprise ones are the best. There is this flower shop across from a Starbucks I frequent when I take Caltrain in to work. I stop by at lunch downtown and purchase one from time to time. I imagine when I grow up and grow down some roots somewhere, that place will have sunflowers everywhere! Kinda like my friend Dolores… She loves them too!

Season Tickets: I loooooove sports! And being back in California I am Lovin It…I get to see Pac 1210 games! I need that good ole Young Alumni home games sports package! I can see it now, weekly trips to the Rose Bowl…and weekend trips to the Wooden Center! I’ll get to Haas, Maples, Memorial & Stanford Stadiums for the away games! 8 Claps, Go Bruins, and U – C – L – A all the way!

 …because aside from being beautiful, my mother always wanted me to be a Bruin.

Smart Device: So some of you all know the story of my phone. I have a slide out keyboard phone because, well…texting. I actually love this phone. But, I suppose in whatever year this currently is, it is not the most functional device. Everyone is sooooo plugged in. So, I was having drinks with my friend. My phone vibrated on the bar. He looked over at it and said, You’re a smart girl, but that’s a dumb phone. The horror!!! …and then proceeded to show it off like a relic at a Natural History Museum.

Eboogie and CJC just praised God and they don’t know why. It is because I’m admitting that I currently do not have a smart device (well except for the iPod my former RHD surprised me with because she refused to let me replace my mp3 player with another mp3 player…thanks Boo!) and I could see the potential benefit of a smarter device to text from. And maybe do other things from. I’m sure one of my students will show me how to use it. If I get one.

Can it come with a slide out keyboard though or nah?

Sponsorship: I did not think about how expensive #14in2014 was going to be! I mean, there are soooo many races I want to do, and soooo many I’m not doing because of the bottom registration line. I work in education. In California…and well, budget. The bank had an almost 2-week hold on my first paycheck because they said the funds weren’t available yet. When the teller inquired about my employer, I responded, the State, the State of *&^%$ lovely California…#ICANT and #icant…afford all these daggone races, by myself.

*passes the collection plate around*

Support: So, in news that’s borderline TMI, I went undergarment shopping with my baby mama LG this past summer, because, well…boobies need love too. I was all prepared to tell the lady my measurements and buy one of those cute expensive two for whatever price bras, because well…peer pressure. Only problem was, my bras were not on the cute people racks. You know, where they have all the color options, styles, types and accessories to match? She walked me to the smallest corner of Mordor the shop and said I can pick for this hanger, or that one. No “two for” options or anything…I could either get with this, or that. The choice was mine.

Back to what I was talking about. I’m still dealing with my unresolved issues about not being able to shop at Victoria’s Secret. Now I have to go to this place for some nice looking support. And Lord knows I need it. I need that bra. That go-to bra that I love. That goes with everything. That adjusts to my every emotion, hormonal imbalance and time of day! It needs to be purple, of course. Ever since getting the news that I needed to upgrade the size of my bras, I haven’t found the one.

…and a bonus!

…my Somebody’s Son: Oh yes, that guy. I just love this term from my KSJ. That’s exactly who he is. Some wonderful woman had a son, who is waiting to hold me tight and be my somebody. And it’s just not for valentine’s days or special holiday moments or new year’s kisses. Sure, there will be some of that, and I certainly won’t refuse a millisecond of it. It’s for the secret codes. The words and hashtags that only make sense to us. Or the special “just because” surprises, the laughs when the other falls, the silent moments listening to tears, and sitting in movies you don’t want to see – trying not to fall asleep. It’s running without training, or talking about your financial future, which apparently has nothing to do with the upcoming DSW sale & bag giveaway #whoknew?. Begging for 10 more minutes of sleep, vacations to anywhere but right where we were, and music…never ending music. Listening #notlistening to my incessant planning #nagging while ironing our clothes, football games, and the stare down when we have come to the last slice of my Mama’s sweet potato pie #notmymama’spie. Yea. Especially that.

But I don’t know who he is. Or where he be. What he does for a living. The music he listens to. You could have him in a line up and I wouldn’t be able to point him out. I’ve imagined him though. He smells like peace. He looks like kindness. His eyes are warm. He is taller than pain. He is stronger than pride. He’s the place my love was especially designed for.

The place for my love is especially, specifically designed for is something that I do not have now, that I want.

…and a ginger ale!

Your turn, sucka!  #thatwasactuallyseventhingsnotcountingthe2ndparagraph

If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it #ToniMorrison

Fortunately for me, there are plenty of books that have already been written that I wanted to read. *wait, did that make sense* I've spent a lifetime between their covers... #MyLovers That's how I managed to live so long. And here is what they taught me. In no particular order...

I bet he smoked Newports.

Catcher In The Rye.

Lesson: I can totally relate to White people.

I read Catcher in the Rye when I was in High School. I was in Advanced Placement classes. Every morning, I would catch SamTrans (the 6A) to Menlo-Atherton High School with a group of people who looked like me and lived where I lived. By the time we made it down the main hall, I was sitting in a classroom looking like the only person like me. Their lives diverged from mine, like I did from my friends in the morning. Enter J.D., writing about a kid with a life struggle that looked like mine. A life lived in the silence of my mind. His skin, uncolored by those words, repainted my reverie. I saw my life depicted on the chalkboards. I realized that I have “white people” problems too. And, they sucked just like my “black people” problems. Who? Knew? And our lives converged in that moment, like the final bell reuniting me and my friends as we dug for our bus passes.

Thanks for not rottin' in that jail Miss Sophia.

The Wedding.

Lesson: Love is the hardest thing any person can ever do.

Will the world ever be ready for an interracial couple? Yup. Thanks future children of the world.  We have some awesome parenting happening. The world in The Wedding was not ready for Shelby and her beau. Navigating her “stay in the color lines” life was tough when you sprinkle love in it. But, if it’s not color, it’s something else. Right? You meet someone, you fall in love and you see your entire future. Then you are confronted with each other’s families. And how do you explain the difference in color, or income, or profession, or interests, or religious beliefs, or political ideologies? You try to explain it, but to no avail. And then you have to choose. What you knew before your love, or the love you know defines everything you endeavor to become. Shelby was certain. She came home and found doubt. She ran into temptation and was almost convinced. She faced her love and said “I do”. And nothing about that was easy for her to do. Or me to read.

Las Mariposas #ImBilingual

In The Time Of The Butterflies.

Lesson: Women are more powerful than they will ever know.

I have six sisters. And I could not wait to go to college and share a room with 2 other girls that I did not know, because I had been living with my sisters forever – and they got on my nerves! Right? The house was too small. Everybody was always in my business. Quit wearing my shoes! Why did you tell on me? Ugh. My sisters were nothing like the Mirabal sisters. Only, they absolutely are. Smart. Strong. Confident. Beautiful. Loyal. Creative. Passionate. I did not see that after I read the book. It took some time, maturation, and distance to realize how powerful we were together. No man has ever survived an interaction with the Gurley sisters, without sustaining some type of injury. No man was crazy enough, to consider being considered a suitor to one of us, if it meant he had to confront us the group. As a collective. Power is not always in the numbers. But, there are indeed a number of us Gurley’s. And we are absolutely powerful.

FOLDIN!!!!!!

 Sadako & The Thousand Paper Cranes.

Lesson: Hope will save your life.

I read this book in the 5^th grade. While reading the book and studying the meaning in our class lessons, we learned to fold paper cranes. As a class, we made 1,000 paper cranes on some of the prettiest paper I had ever seen in my entire “I’m in 5^th grade” life. I stayed after school to make cranes. I took paper home to do them. I folded cranes on the school bus. I even made a few in Church. Sadako did not live *spoiler* but somehow she survived. I never termed that as “hope” but that’s exactly what it was. Her belief in that thing, the 1,000 paper cranes saved her life, and the lives of everyone involved. Don’t believe me? Think about it. You are reading about her right now. And, when I get stressed out (like all the time) I fold paper cranes.

Haven't touched a kite since.

The Kite Runner.

Lesson: Keep your word. People are depending on it. And you.

The truth? There are more lessons to learn from this book in this lifetime and the next one Erykah was singing about #We'llBeButterflies. Oh man. I remember vividly crying whilst reading. I have shed a tear or ten reading a book before, but the tsunami that came out of my eyes that night as I finished The Kite Runner? Let’s just say that a colleague in the office asked me if I was having trouble at home and needed to speak to someone confidentially at the Counseling Center. I remember the part of the novel, in which he is trying to adopt the little boy, save him from the tragedy called his life, written in those pages. He promised to save him. To give him a #NewLife because everyone needs one, once in a while #Intro, and that little boy earned his two times over. But he could not do it. He had to leave him there. He could not (immediately) fix the world. He could not make good on his word. It was not for a lack of trying, or doing the right thing, asking the right questions, making the right meetings, or any of that. The world did not want that man to be great that day. He had every right to give up, despite giving his word, but no way, Boss! In that moment, I realized that I would use every inch of my life to keep my word. Because someone, somewhere is depending on it. They earned my word. They deserve it. #mywords

And then I read Ten Thousand Splendid Suns. I took a short hiatus from reading shortly after.

I prefer grape jelly anyway. #NoCrust

The Butter Battle Book.

Lesson: You don’t have to be wrong, for me to be right. #YouAreProbablyWrongThough

Now, I totally think I’m right, about everything. That’s the irrational me. That’s the person you are almost always speaking with – The Right One. Now, the logically thinking intellectual me (about to get on my evidence of absence-absence of evidence ish) understands that while there is indeed a “right” and a “wrong” not every circumstance that has a “right” requires there to be a “wrong” to balance the see-saw. Because there are more than just see-saw’s on playgrounds. Swings, slides, tetherballs, hopscotch…I mean, all kinds of things! Freakin’ 4-Square man! You can potentially make 3 new friends! So what were the Zooks and Yooks fighting over? Whether or not they should eat their bread with the butter side up or down. In the midst of trying to determine which one was the correct way to dress toast, they never stopped to see that, “Hey, we’re all eating bread with butter!” The real tragedy was that they almost killed themselves trying to prove the other wrong. It was then I realized, I would never argue my position to destruction. If I’m right (which I typically am), I will pray for a life long enough in which time proves my point on my behalf. I can use that saved breath arguing about football with my Uncle who is NEVER wrong.

Yes. That was an important life lesson from Dr. Seuss, even though it was about the Cold War. Judgement? I’ll wait.

Yes! There are pictures!*

The Alchemist.

Lesson: The things I want in life are usually the things that are really hard to get. #DoWork #ChallengeAccepted  #AlchemistInTheMaking

Why it took me so long to read this book, just like the tootsie roll pop, the world may never know. I will never forget the words I read. Mostly because I keep reading them. About love, self discovery, gratitude, trials, tribulation, service, the unknown, the journey, perseverance, and Belay On! I think, in lieu of my parents, this book could have raised me. Such wisdom. Alchemy is hard work. I mean, after Jesus turned water to wine, the miracles kinda stopped there. This kid’s life was tough, yo. He had to say goodbye to his love. He had to have faith she would be there when he returned. Hell, he had to have faith that he would return. He suffered. Yet he continued on. And most importantly, he was honest about his fears. That’s what compelled me most of all. Honesty through whatever came. Maybe that’s the hard part about being an Alchemist. Being honest. See! I’m still learning ish! Damn Paulo… You. Are. Good.

*In the equally moving graphic novel version.

…honorable mention…

Dear World, Do Better.

PUSH

Lesson: We live in a f*cked up world.

Nope. Not about to have me on this post talking about what I read in that novel. Nope. Not about to do it. The only reason a person can write about stuff like what’s in PUSH is because we live in a world where it is possible. And not possible like a once in a lifetime “you can see the aurora borealis from your bedroom window in Idaho” possible, but an “I’m going to get in my car and drive to work” (which happens every freaking day) possible. As a world of people, we are f*ckin horrible. We need to do better.

…(un)honorable mention…

Grey ties startle me.

50 Shades of Grey (and then it got darker, and I’m waiting to be freed)

Lesson(s): I need more hobbies; Sex – o_O um…about that? #NooooShe(me)WasntReady

I have no excuse for how quickly I got through all three of those books aside from acknowledging that I need a hobby. Curiosity killed the cat, my prospects for the future and my innocence. Father God In Heaven WHY did I keep reading?! My sissy pooh Shellie read them too. After she finished them, she called me and asked me if I was okay. She knew that I was distraught. I sooo was.

Okay. Sex. Who knew it happened like that? I mean hold my pearls, my mule and my spleen…does this stuff really happen? Do y’all really get down like that? Y’all are nasty! I had to google a lot of the stuff they talked about. I’m not afraid to admit it. Mostly because I’m ashamed to admit it. You have to pick one. You can’t be afraid and ashamed at the same (damn) time. I feel like, I’m legally an adult, so I should know this stuff. But, I watch cartoons every morning, so my grey *heehee* matter hasn’t caught up with the age on my driver’s license.

Anastasia, honey chile, you are one brave fictional woman. And yes, I'm going to see the movie.

What books informed your life lessons? What are you honorably mentioning? What's on your #CCOD list? Don't worry, I won't tell. Talk to me...