alive

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alive [a·live / əˈlīv] noun: when you finally take Red’s (well, Andy’s) advice and decide not the busy yourself with dying; when you look into the mirror, after having grieved a loss that was inconceivable and you remember when you wondered if you were living or existing, and you realized what you had been, and no longer want to be.

B

ut after too many years.

We didn’t hold them back or anything. They just kind of took us to different places. And we never even bothered to bother about that conversation. Mostly because of me. Which is the real story of my heart. I never bother to believe the most amazing things could happen to someone like me.

So, I did what every person does just passing time – log on to Facebook to see what’s going on in the world. Because when nothing is going on the actual people breathing world, you know something is happening in the matrix. I mean social media.

He was there. Grown all the way up. Using the same big boy words he used back when my imagination was too small to compute the speaker. He was there looking for somewhere to go at the exact same time I was looking for someone to do something with.

A comment turned into a message that led to a phone call that prompted the purchase of a plane ticket which navigated me to the airport baggage claim. Choice. He and I both made choices, without taking pills, to be in the same place at the same time.

But for very different reasons.

I believe now, more than ever, that he was certain about his choice, his for being there. I was completely unsure of my choices and reasons #why. I did not know how to be alive. Hell, I still have trouble with it from time to time. After existing…after busying myself with dying to my grief for so long, all I knew was that I needed to do something different, because insanity be repeating stuff over and over again. And it was impulsive and not well planned to comment on that post. And I felt totally strange at the airport, walking to baggage claim, just then realizing the gravity of what I had done.

I had no idea what I would say, or if I would fumble at hugging a hand extended for a shake, or if the adult thing to do was to kiss somebody, because well, we’re grownups now and that’s what grownups do now, right? No? Maybe?!?! See!!!

I think myself down the rabbit hole. Regularly.

Everything about that moment was an awakening. I knew then that I had been on autopilot for so long. So long that it wasn’t like riding a bike at all #CantSeemToBalance. So long, just like the years that passed from the last time we embraced until that moment I was locked away in his arms.

Strange how you can be tasked to educate and develop someone, only to have them return the favor in kind. Years ago, I was tasked to prepare him for life. Who knew that years later, he would be the one to show me how to live it? Our first lesson was held at the airport. I wasn’t five minutes early #causethatsontime like I used to tell him to be to training sessions. #Yup #IWasLate #WalkingFastInHeels

It was like I had never known what it was for a man to want to be in my space. On purpose. Just because. Without any need for me to feel any specific way about that decision. It was like that because I had not ever known it. Not like this.

And it scared me to death.

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