regret [re·gret / rəˈɡret] noun: that time you overthunk for almost 36 hours, nonstop ruining what could have been the best living alive experience of your entire life you big dummy.
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weekend lived alive in fear…of my feelings. Yo,
them joints crept up on me like little kids waking up their parents on
Christmas morning. You were sleeping all comfortably and whatnot, then just
like that, you weren’t! It was one of the oddest moments of my life. I had not
considered what he might feel about me (which could have been absolutely nothing) and what I might feel about him (which feels like it’s
something, but haven’t felt anything in a while so I don’t know if this is a
leg cramp, hunger pain, or glaucoma, or OMG – an actual feeling).
So, instead of being fully
present as we adventured below sea level, I was living inside my mind trying to
determine how I felt about him so I could behave in a manner that aligned with
that feeling. Because, that’s what adults do, right? No? Maybe?!?! See!!!
We hung out at my place,
explored the city, went to the mall (you’re not surprised by this), and like old times, watched
random movies. I attended to his needs as best I could, and offered as many
suggestions for activities as my weary mind could muster amidst all the (over-nonsensical)thinking.
Our final meal was at a
local joint the guys and I meet up for drinks and games and such. We talked
about love, the subject I avoided like I avoid going to the Doctor’s Office #ugh #iHateGoingToTheDoctor
#TheyMakeMeSick #LikeIGetLegitSickAfterIGo. That was when I finally got my answer. At the
end of the trip. He revealed to me his broken heart, and how he planned to not clean
up the wreckage. Because, when your heart is broken bad enough, you’re okay
with not busying yourself with putting parts of it back together again for
something or someone (read: YOU, you big dummy)
else.
Like, it is legit possible
for someone to hurt you so bad that you give up. Like the best and most
motivated among us, Type A’s running around us, will just quit. Not have it in
them to do it.
He, like me, wants to be
loved so deeply. Not by everybody – but just one body, one somebody. And, it’s
possible to think that you found them. That the search, the wait, is over. Then
poof! Like humidity to a good Sunday morning press in a Texas summer. Gone. *queue up nsync*
That feeling will cause you
to forgo all the lovely things you dreamed for yourself. And you will replace
it with a life that was never meant for you. But, one that minimizes the risk
of feeling all those wondrous things that ended up having you feeling this
terribly awful thing. #TheKeyToWinning?
#DontPlayTheGame
We’re just friends. And
somehow, I don’t feel the way I thought I was going to feel about it.
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