inTheBeginning! (this is the start)
I guess you wonder where I've been…
Or
you’ve been really into your own life as much as I have been avoiding mine.
Anyway, it doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about you or trying to figure
out how to tell you about what’s been going on.
I
came back to let you know that I’ve been eating bacon, sweet potato cookies, at
all kinds of live music shows, and working really hard for this money because
adultbirth.
I’m
going to get you all caught up on that. Promise. Pinkie Promise. While I do
that, I’m going to get really real with you. We’re going to have some fun and
change things up. Got a short story to tell ya, which isn’t really short, cause
frankly, I do be going on and on, on these posts about stuff that only takes
like a few minutes to talk about, but somehow I drag it out, kinda like I’m
doing now, and since I forgot where I was, I’m going to stop typing, reread
what I wrote and finish the thought, mmkay?
*stopped typing*
*began reading*
*started back where I think I left off*
How
did this all start you ask?
I
wrote a dedication to my fear one day. More like a wish. Or a hope:
dedicated to my fear
and the day
we leave this dying
world as strangers.
may we never see
one another again.
and perhaps our unknowing
will lead me back
to me.
♪♫ I
never thought it would be so demanding, letting
go of fears and talking out my feelings ♫♪…but
that’s why I’m here today. Because this is what it demands. There are so many
things I have not talked about, because of my fear. I was afraid to open my
mouth and just say it. So
many missed opportunities because of the crippling impact of being scared of
what I was feeling.
It’s interesting though, that
I have simultaneously lived a life so full or fear, yet one full of courage.
How curious is that? My life, as is, requires this of me. If I ever want to
live my life alive
though, I’ve got to do something. Like this particular thing. I mean, how much
longer can I live in this unintelligible space? It’s like, no fun at
all.
It sounds like I’m about to
drop a serious bomb on you, hunh? right? No?! Maybe?!?!?! See!!! I mean, I am,
but not really. It’s just, when you’re in the car on your way home and that
song comes on, you get it. And since ♪♫ it's easier to turn
tears into a [blog], [rather than fix] what went wrong ♫♪ you realize for the first time
in the thousand times you listened to it, that THE time has come. You don’t want to
do another single thing that you might live to regret…and when you look back
over your life and think those things over, you realize, there are some
regrettable things (if
you were the regretting type) #andpeople #andshoepurchases.
♪♫ I can't figure out who's truly sincere, through
the many years, I can't find the reason ♫♪ Reasons, really. I
cannot find the reasons in much of any of it. I hung on to my naiveté too long past maturation. So, I never really knew who an actual buddy
was to me and who he wasn’t. I turned strangers into lovers, and would be
lovers into friends. You never see your mistake, because it’s always too early
into things. And you know that time is all circumstantial anyway. It so new and you’re
figuring things out – and all the while it feels soooo good. But honestly, ♪♫ when do you know really, giving all your love's
such a sacrifice, when to expose the depths of your poor soul? ♫♪
But, eventually ♪♫ someone took my
heart, ripped it all apart ♫♪…just
like that last time eventually came, that you never really forgot about,
because it never quite goes away. You find yourself in that inextricable
place of ♪♫ still trying to
piece it together ♫♪
What does piecing it all
together again look like? Recreating normal again, another time that feels (new).
It’s kind of like being alive, but not quite. The difference between that alive
living and that (new)normaling is your motivation. You don’t have it in you to
do anything anymore. You acquiesce to everything – every single thing.
It’s not even about leaving it to chance. It’s almost like you care so much,
that you can’t actively care about anything. It just hurts. It’s just…
♪♫It's easier to turn tears into a blog, then fixing what went wrong, the pain can be so stifling…
I never thought that love could hurt a heart so long, it has been so long, it
seems like forever ♫♪
It’s
gonna get a little weird in here. I’m going to expose part of myself to you, in
hopes that I find me. Don’t try to figure it out. That’s where I went wrong. I
tried to know, even in that beginning when there was no way of knowing, that you’ll maybe read about.
Trust
me. You’re going to have to let this thing happen. Every Tuesday will pick up
where we left off the Thursday last. And then you’ll know.
Careful
though. There is no untelling.
♪♫ I never thought it would be so demanding
Letting go of fears and talking out my feelings
I can't figure out who's truly sincere
Through the many years, I can't find the reason but
When do you know really?
Giving all your love's such a sacrifice
When to expose the depths of your poor soul
I can't forget the last time someone
Someone took my heart, ripped it all apart
And I'm still trying to piece it together
It's easier to turn tears into a song
Then fixing what went wrong, the pain can be so
stifling
I never thought that love could hurt a heart so
long
It has been so long, it seems like forever ♫♪
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