The Rupaul Sighting At The Chicago Marathon #ThatWasnt

…because you all love me so much and read all some of these things that I post, I thought I would share this. Remember my friend, as in the guy that is super funny that I totally haven’t met yet but have to introduce him as my friend so this doesn’t seem weird? Yes! That guy from yesterday!!! Well, he decided to recount his Chicago running experience, and now that I have FINALLY stopped laughing, I can share it with you!

OK... So here we go. Chicago is an awesome city with crazy fan support for the marathon. Nothing is more awesome than thousands of people screaming at random strangers as we all foolishly run these insane distances for God only knows why. Yeah 26.2!! We are so stupid. Runners are one of nature’s punch lines. Anyway... Let the stupid begin. My race Chronicles:

1) Couple things I learned early through my own stubbornness... It’s difficult to run with a full bladder and my threshold for holding my breath in a marathon port-a-potty is about 30 seconds. Forced the ‘p’ out so fast almost gave myself a hernia.

2) There’s such a thing as having too many running accessories. Runner has a full book bag, a running belt with six water bottles and other stuff on it. He has a full set of keys clipped to another belt and he’s jingling. Is he running or going camping?

3) 6 miles in. A guy is running in drag (I think) and I swear its Rupaul. So much so that I got up some nerve, ran up on him, and had this exchange:

..or nah, bro? LOL

Me: Rupaul, Rupaul!! What's up man!

Him: Huh? What!? (Sounding pissed!!)

Me: (switching it up) Oh my bad, I thought you were my man Paul that I went to college with. (I sped up... Checked behind me to see if he was chasing) Moving on...

4) 10 miles. I'm starving!!! Got two fig newtons from a race supporter and i swear fo’ God those fig newtons were the greatest ever made on earth. I so wanted to double back but was secretly wishing that he’d get in a car and drive further up in the race so I could see him again. Race hunger makes you irrational.

5) A Native American is in sight and I swear I have no idea this person’s gender. But he/she her/him’s hair was amazing. Is it relaxed? Calves were masculine, facial bone structure somewhat feminine. I stayed within eyesight for about 4 miles trying to figure it out. I got no resolution.

6) Man down. “Too many d@mn accessories” guy is receiving medical attention. Ummm... yeah. I guess he should pitch his camping tent now.

7) 17-18 miles: A small child sent directly from heaven gave me a blue jolly rancher that I so desperately needed. Thank you God, the everlasting Father for sending me your baby candy angel. That Jolly Rancher had a slow sugar release as I let it sit in my mouth for easily 4 miles.

8) An Asian guy is running in a full suit and tie. Jackass. That is all.

9) Mile 20’ish: Two ladies are sort of fussing because apparently one spat water on the other inadvertently at a water stop. Collateral damage I say. We're too far in to these miles for this foolishness

10) Mile 22'ish. Barefoot marathoners? Really? My ankles and achilles would explode. Either that or I'd have athlete's feet up to my crotch.

11) 22 - 23 miles. The 400 lb marathon monster always jumps on my back around these miles. Geez. I feel like a pack mule... the mule who carried Jesus... only the 12 disciples are on me too. This is stupid. Chicago is dumb.

12) Mile 26. What is the deal with these marathon organizers putting hills at the end of the courses? Haven't I proven myself enough?? Can I get a flat finish? Why, Lord whyyyy??

13) I'm finished (hooray me!) And now I'm hording and gathering these snacks like I'm grocery shopping. I think I have a banana tree in my goodie bag along with everything else that was already in there... Make that two good bags. It's amazing the sympathy you get from race volunteers when you’re walking like your 100/years old with dried salt streaks on your face.

Them: Congratulations on your finish!

Me: *thinking* less talking, more snack giving

14) I can't stand the smell of me right now. Next up, 1/2 Ironman in two weeks. #IGotProblems

Didn’t I tell yall that I love this dude?!?! Hit him up! Congratulate him on his Chicago Marathon greatness. Tell him how crazy awesome he is for taking on an Ironman! Or pray for him, because he knows what he’s doing, and he does it anyway… You got the info…but if you’re too lazy to go to yesterday’s post, here you go: m.kendrick.miles@gmail.com

I'm Only Half Crazy #FinishItJesus #26.2Left #1%Club

As I look at all the amazing finisher photos on this #MedalMonday, I am really inspired by all of the Chitown Runners! They did their thing! Congratulations Runners!! #IwishIOwnedChiTown #IWantAMedalToo #butIWannaEarnIt #CantIJustBeGreatLikeThemJesus

I’m not like them at all. The most I can do in this moment is be proud of them, like I am my Uglee (it's a long story, she earned that name)! Yall don’t know, but the only reason I’ve made it this far running is her anticipating all of my needs as a fledging half-marathoner. She makes sure I get all the encouragement I need before race day, after race day, and in the right shoes. And she's already done this! She is a marathoner. And she treats my 10K medals like superbowl rings! You'd think I did something more amazing, but for her, it is. I owe many a weary mile to her. It’s like she’s clairvoyant or something. She knows I’m going to finish before I even start. Crazy, right?

So, I guess I’m kinda like them. Marathoners. Let my friends tell it, I have run a marathon. See, I ran a half marathon in June, then I ran one this October. So basically…….math. But since I’m kinda like them, I know there is a HUGE difference between running a half marathon, and sacrificing your life for that other 13.1. I mean, you've got to prove yourself on the pavement to be a 1%'er. I wanna get in the club. I wanna hang out with Uglee in there!!!

I go back and forth between committing to such an endeavor. I mean, I’ve done enough half-marathons to the point of suggesting we do one, is like asking if I would like to go to Happy Hour… I’m like Tank, when?? But a full marathon… You mean, 26.2 consecutive miles? On the same day? I mean, do I get the whole 24 hours to get them in? Or nah?

I’m scared, yo. S C A R E D.

But the homey Alicia Keykey signed up for her first marathon (for 2015)…which kind of makes this challenge more real, because we’re homeys. We ride together…to Old Navy Sales…and will die one day together, because we eat inordinate amounts of bacon, with bottomless mimosas, cause you gotta drink your fruit (with champagne)! So I mean, I gotta be there. I flew from Virginia to California just to run with her. It’s serious. The running blood goes deep.

But I’m not registered yet. I was close to clicking “submit”…then I read this:

As I sit resting up to handle this ‪#‎ChicagoMarathon in the morning, I wanted to share the hilarity of the chronicles of my last marathon in Anchorage Alaska. Enjoy.

A truly... Truly unique experience. First Alaska is a stunningly beautiful state from the little I've seen thus far so if you can swing it, put it on your bucket lists of places to visit. Now... About that run... Chronicles:

1.) 8am start and the rain is torrential. At least when I start slowly peeing myself around mile 9... No one will notice.

2.) Mile 5'ish. There's a dude running this marathon in sandals... Personal challenge set... He will not beat me.

3.) Mile 8'ish. A kid maybe about 14 wizzes by me. Personal challenge set... If I see him again I will throw a rock at him.

4.) Around the half marathon point... The race has become a narrow trail run and we are running in the freakin woods through mud and rain. I don't remember this being on the brochure. Alaska is stupid.

5.) Mile 19'ish... Runners are stopped on the trail. There is a freaking moose blocking the trail.. A FREAKING MOOSE!!!

6.) Mile 19'ish. The moose isn't moving. Yah... Get out the way!... Shoo moose shoo! One guy is not happy. The moose is unamused... Not budging.

7.) Moose still chillin... Its been at least 10 minutes. The kid will not be the one to tempt the moose. Same guy suggest throwing a rock. I set up to run in the opposite direction if he does.

8.) I'm hurting right now anyway... Maybe if I lay on the trail the moose will trample me and put me out of my misery... The runners stopped are now about 30 deep.

9.) Moose finally saunters off the trail to the right... Runners slooooowly walk past him.

10.) Mile 21 - 22. Sandals guy passes me... Oh hell no...! I speed up.

11.) 1/2 mile later... Sandal guy passes me again... Eff him and his sandals... I got nothing... My legs are weary.

12.) Mile 24... Legs feel like they are detached from hips. Alaska is stupid... This is stupid.

13.) Mile 26.2... Finished... That was great... Alaska is awesome... I'll take 88 orange slices, 12 cookies, a gallon of Powerade, and that whole loaf of cinnamon raisin bread please.

14.) Chicago 2014... You're next.

Marshall “Squill” Miles

Dude was prepared to go toe-to-toe with a moose… IN ALASKA! I mean, how can I do a marathon?? I’m afraid of my Uncle’s dog and you mean to tell me we gotta fight the wilderness creatures for medals?!?! Fix it Jesus!! Hold my mule and the moose! Okay, he wasn’t prepared to take on the moose, but that dude in the sandals liked to go dealt with by my man. And then, AND THEN, he insults my injury by showing up and showing out in ChiTown! This guy… He’s funny… I like him…

I saw the New York City Marathon in action, on accident. The homeys and I were enjoying brunch in one of the NY boroughs when we noticed that the streets were blocked off, and people were running…and other people were cheering…and everyone seemed to be okay with this. In my experience, people running and police blockades aren’t exactly happy events. But when it’s the NYC Marathon, every single person is cheering every other person on. It’s hard to be mad when you’re there to witness something like that.

That next Monday, we saw people walking around Manhattan with medals around their necks. I knew that I would get my chance one day. Then I googled NYC Marathon, and saw the race map and mileage. And I thought, maybe someone will let me take a picture with their medal. Yea, that. Do THAT.

That day has stayed with me since. I want to get to that place where I schlep my God given life, and the thing that contains it, 26.2 miles. I should believe in my legend more than I do. I mean, 10 years ago, I couldn’t convert a 5K to miles, let alone sweat. If you asked me what it was, I probably would have said, money. Yet, in 2011, I stood at the starting line of my first half marathon, with the bestest friend a black girl runnin’ could ever have. He smiled at me, and told me that my ride home was waiting at the finish. And leaving Las Vegas without a medal that year did not stop me from going back again.

I have completed 13 races of my #14in2014 this year, and the thought of a full marathon, though exciting, scares me. The moose does too. I’m not sure what it is (not the moose…got that...afraid of that) keeping me from my eternal running glory…but I pray I live long enough to figure it out.

Thank you, Marshall for letting me share the hilarity that was your Alaska Running experience! And...congratulations for taking down the city of Chicago at the Marathon this very weekend! 

Did you think his #Chronicles were funny/awesome/inspirational/[insert your word here] too?! Hit him up! m.kendrick.miles@gmail.com