...but I’m repetitive and
redundant, so I’m sure I’ve told you that already. What was the not smart thing done on this occasion?
I went out and got something
that was smarter than me.
A phone. #ugh #itwasanaccidentiswear
…and I was having a great
weekend too! I spent some time poolside with friends, saw some awesome
fireworks, and ate some awesome bacon filled taquitos, tacos, nachos and sushi.
I went to sleep, woke up, and devoured more of that divine swine. Like literally,
a weekend full of wins and no losses. Only, my phone battery would literally
DIE after a phone call, or a text, or just sitting around not doing any work up
in my purse, so I had to get it checked out.
I left bacon, and walked right
into Hell. Also known as the Sprint Store.
It was actually a good experience.
The folks were nice and though I had to wait hella long. They did at least acknowledge
my presence and gave me updates about where they were in the process. That
doesn’t always happen, so I’m like…well, that’s a win, kinda. And, I’m high on
bacon so there’s that. I got time.
Time, but no intentions of
doing any more than what I came in here to do, because I don’t like change.
Well that kind of change. Give me some change? Thanks, I’ll take the kind that
folds and jingles #moviereference. Let
me change the channel? Great! I didn’t want to watch that anyway. I ordered a
beer when I had no intention of drinking it but wanted to be cool? Great! Thanks
for the martini…and not wasting the beer I wasted. I need to change my shoes
because we’re going out? Yasssssss!!!!!!
Times when I avoid change like
the plague…
1.
Technology
OF ANY SORT.
2.
My
mind. #ImAlwaysRight
#ImAlsoKiddingButNotReallyWellOnMondays
3.
Contracts
of any sort. Well,
unless I see a potential benefit to me and me alone in the change. Otherwise,
you signed it. It’s settled.
So, imagine my I’m not surprised face when
the Manager just taking a look at my
account gets this weird wrinkled frown as he inspects my account. This plan is old! I don’t think I’ve seen one of these…
No, you haven’t son. I had
that plan before you were born. It was probably one of the first plans
available from Sprint. Why have I kept it for so long? Because I paid nearly
nothing for multiple lines on my account. And so what I didn’t have a smart
phone?! My data and messaging were free…been free forever! How much are yours?
I’ll wait. #HISareprobablyfreeImTalkinAboutTheRestOfYall
So I allowed him to give me the
sales pitch because I’m going to hit a homerun. I am going to confound him with
my ability to be counfounding that he’s actually going to think that having a less
intelligent phone is maybe a good idea. He’ll never admit it though. They never
do.
But, I wasn’t prepared for
this one. He had a special pitch up his sleeve. I needed to upgrade the other
phone on my account…which of course, had implications for my account. And my
bill. And my phone. That currently had a battery that isn’t quite dead, but on
it’s way to the morgue. And I’m in a good mood (almost bacon coma) and curious.
Well played. You’ve done what
generations of friends have not been able to do. How’d you do it?
Purple. You had a purple
phone. #sold
 |
| I don't even know you though. |
While the Manager was
explaining the awesome benefits of the newest and latest technology I was in a
purple trance! I mean that sparkle tho! I would go and look at other phones,
and come back to it. Sure I didn’t know what any of the icons meant, or how to
successfully negotiate making a phone call on it, but dammit it’ll be cute
in my purse! So he, attempting to explain why I’d need the newer version of the
purple phone (that
didn’t come in purple), says to me…
Think of the difference of the two phones like this. Let’s
say you have a $10,000 car that runs okay, but needs some work, and a $50,000
in excellent shape that is safe, ready to go, runs well, which one would you
invest in?
You’re probably thinking, I’d
probably invest in the more expensive car, right? It runs well and it’s safe.
You’re not sure what you’re getting into with that $10,000 thing, and might end up car shopping all over again. Right? I
asked him what both cars looked like. I needed to know before I made a
decision. One of them might be purple. #kidding #idontwantapurplecar
He explained to me, in calm,
rational, kind tones the differences between and benefits of the phones, the types of awesome things
they could do, and what that would mean for my plan. I mean, he even answered
all of my questions. What if I decide I don’t
want this? Do I still get my discount? What does the insurance cover? If the
case is waterproof and water gets in it, who’s giving me my money back? Why does this case cost so much? Can you send
the upgraded phone where it needs to go? How long is that going to take? How do
you activate it? Is it an easy process? How many fingers am I holding up? I’m
only doing this if my bill remains the same. #bottomline
I’m sure he was thinking that
I live in a cave, with no wifi connection, friends, goals in life or hope for
the future. How can she be this young and this resistant to having a smart
phone? Did she say she went to UCLA? #LiesToldInSprintStores Literally, 8 year olds have them and she’s like twice three times
their age and is adamantly refusing to get one.
Don’t worry friends, he paid
me back. I mean, there was so much shade coming from him (with
a smile)
all I needed was a book to read perched right nicely under it. He’d look and
inspect my phone like it was a relic from the Natural History Museum. I think
he was communicating with his eyes to the other employees – talking about me in
blinked morse code
like the ladies
in the nail salons. Like: Do we still even make these phones? [over] It looks like my
father’s first phone.
[over] We’re being punk’d
aren’t we?
[over] Noooo, she didn’t
say she gets on the internet from that thing? *hella
blinking, I think he’s laughing* [over]
I was ready to give up in the
store. It was late. I had been in there forever. I wasn’t convinced that this
was even a good thing to do. Like I’m not going to know how to use this thing.
There are going to be some secret charges. It’s going to break because I’m
clumsy. And none of these phones have keyboards! How in the world am I going to
text without a keyboard? Right then I was ready to go. Then he says, We have pizza? Would you like some? #damnDamnDAMN
#itsgourmet #ilikecheese #itsmellssogood Yes I
Would!
That first night was rough yo.
Rough, with a few highlights thanks to ToeToe. So apparently these phones come
with headphones that have a microphone on them. You can change the damn volume
on it son…From The Headphones?!?! And the kicker…you can hang up on people from
that joint! And just like the Hunger Games, ToeToe volunteered
as tribute! Well, she actually hung up on me first because I didn’t have the
headphones in all the way so she couldn’t hear me. But that second time? Dial.
Mutha. F’in. Tone. ToeToe!
Amidst the phone excavating,
the phone battery was slowly evaporating. Damn, what’s the battery life on
these things? Juice box? That’s about how long they last. Only the waterproof
case is also idiot proof because I can’t get into it. So I get my MacGyver
on and I’m like, I’ll get it open… Pass me a hammer, one rubber
glove and 5 toothpicks. I was advised against the hammer. An hour later, I
loosened the latch hiding the charging port.
I knew how to send a text
message, but when I got the first phone call offering assistance that night, I
dropped the phone. I looked down at it like What
kind of wizardry is this Father God? I mean literally, the WHOLE
screen changed. And OMG, I magically accidentally went to another screen
while the call was active. I don’t even know how I did that. I was talking to
the phone, the person on the other line, the computer and the heavens all at
once. I might need to enroll at Hogwart’s.
My staff did a praise dance when
they looked in my hand and saw that my slide out keyboard was no more. Like
literally, a pantomime and everything. If we had all been doing #100daysofhappy in
the office, my phone would have made their list for the day. Of course later
on, RMF had to put my email on it because, the science of my mind
hasn’t caught up with my phone, which isn’t even the newest version of the darn
thing.
 |
| RIP Homey. You held me down when I had nothing. |
But it takes pretty pictures #ThanksShanForThePhotoTakingTips. And
it’s purple.
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