Got Hope? #ItsUnCanceledToo

We ran on HOPE this week folks! Which, well, isn’t all too different from what I am (we are) usually running on. Hoping you finish your scheduled miles. Hoping you don’t injure yourself, or in my case, get lost AND injure yourself. Hoping there’s a bathroom on the route (clean and sanitary please! …doesn’t that have new meaning now?). Hoping that you’ve trained well enough, or that your training has gone well enough to make it across the finish line. Sure, some of us are more certain, more assured, than others. But you’d be crazy to think that the hopefulness was somehow, fully abandoned.

Well, for us serious athletes who are exemplars among the running community (of our friends who aren’t serious or athletes at all, because also we’re not those things either) we planned to Un-Cancel a 5k for Easter! E-Boogie dubbed our 5k the (water to) Wine and Resurrection Run, and well, that suits us just fine. E-Boogie was insistent that we (her, me, and Big Meek) get our run in before Noon, PST. While Big Meek and I grumbled at the idea of waking before the sun, we lamented because we love E-Boogie so much (or because we were drinking). As accountability, E-Boogie suggested that anyone who didn’t finish their 5k by Noon PST, would have to Instacart the others a bottle of booze/spirits – in addition too, of course, completing their 5k.

Before ending our Houseparty, (E-Boogie, Big Meek, & I) I hoped, sincerely, that one of us would not finish the 5k by Noon PST because, who doesn’t want wine Instacart’d to their home? Duh. They hoped the same thing too. We don’t need your judgement.

This week I Un-Canceled HOPE with a 10k & a 5k! Unfortunately, I ran and walked all my miles, so I didn’t get to do math. *insert tears here* Also, I ran/walked more than I was supposed to, so I get like, change back!

10k = 6.2 miles

Running: 5.62 miles

Walking: 1 mile

   [The Math (should have been): 6.2mi – 5.62mi = 0.58mi; 0.58mi x 20min = 11.6mins; round up to 12 mins of exercise/physical activity]

5k = 3.1 miles

Running: 4.00 miles

   [The Lesson? You don’t get to do Math when you overachieve, even if on accident]

Post running reflections on HOPE:

Big Meek (on tha Block) Says… HOPE. A lack of it is what I’d been feeling lately, in this TOUCH–less, HUG–less, PRO–Social Distance world I’ve now found myself... Though I’d been running, lately it felt much less purposeful... When encouraged to participate in the Un-Canceled Project, it was just the motivation I needed... I think... Well, I HOPE. This in many ways has reminded me of what is both in and out of my control. My running time might not have been where I wanted, but I got out there and ran with purpose... Maybe there is some HOPE after all.

E-Boogie Says… As I sit here trying to remember what HOPE feels like, I’ve got a sharp pain in my right knee. I ran 4 miles, even though I was only asked to run 3.1 (overachiever) and now I’m paying for it. I’ve always loved running and was excited about this challenge, however, over the past year I’ve decreased my miles to give my trusty knee a break. During these difficult times, alternative workout methods are limited and as hopeful as I am that this COVID-19 chaos will end soon, it is imperative that I have coping skills to get through this. Running is my coping skill. Running will give me the fuel I need to continue working in a healthcare setting. Running is my outlet ensuring my mental health is intact when the world around me is sinking. But really, all of this is based on hope, faith, and trust in something bigger than me; than us.

I Say… I hope I find more that motivates me during this time. I was going to get my 5k in on Easter, Instacart’d threat or not, but I felt real motivation, real connection to the idea that I would be running, virtually, with two of my faves #TemeculaTime #TheGoatAndVine. There was something, other than my intrinsic determination to fully embrace the Un-Canceled Project that got me up at 5:00am to do my 5k. Truth be told, I didn’t sleep well (much) the night before. Getting up to run felt easy. I was home frying bacon and prepping my baking for the day before E-Boogie or Big Meek met the pavement – and believe me, that’s an Easter miracle too #YayJesusTho #YoursWasBigger.

I have other hopes, very selfishly, very for me (like hoping I still get that Instacart’d blessing and hoping America stops treating Asians people like trash, and, well that China stops treating Africans/Blacks like trash in all this COVID-19 unrest, cause my lil’sis is in China and I’m anxious, and nervous, and restless…). But I’d rather share my hopes for all of you, for all of us. I hope you learn how to connect socially, as we continue living our physically distant lives. There’s gotta be a way we can hug online, right? I hope that world heals, and we come out of this with the same care, concern, and attention to each other that we must do now. Cause reaching out and loving on your loved ones these days seems to require more intentionality than it did before, hunh?

All these hopes feel a little like prayers, don’t they? I hope we do more of that too.

HUMOR is up next! Let’s see about finding some fun while you run (or exercise) …safely…and physically distant(ly)!

Still need to sign up to Un-Cancel some of your feelings? Click Here! It’s free and it’s fun!

Guess What? GRATITUDE is officially Un-Canceled! *woot*woot*

Yall know that us runners and runner’ish beings are feeling some kinda way about the world. Specifically, for those of us who don’t own or like treadmills, getting those miles in when the world is shut down by the time the streetlights come on is stressful. Stress. Full. Bruh. However, all of us, are suffering similarly as we get those flight and hotel cancellations and credits, automatic deferrals to next year, or conversions to the virtual participation of a race we’ve been anticipating since paying the race fee.

We’re using the money we’ve saved to order face masks to go with our running outfits, or are mapping out trails in which people are adhering to the #PhysicalDistancing #StaySocialTho directives, because people do all kinds of math at work, but can't seem to calculate 6 feet between strangers.

Some of us are having first world struggles. Meanwhile, the Un-Canceled Project was feeling the tension and came up with this really great way to get that runner’s high and all that comes with it and #StaySafe at the same time. Check them out!  The Un-Canceled Project and after you sign up, request to join their Facebook Group. Trust me. This will be fun.

You not only get to set your race calendar, you get to decide how many events you do, and specifically how you get those miles. Yep, that’s right – you don’t even have to run them all, because let’s face it, you might need to stay inside. It’s not too safe out there. Here’s how it works: The Instructions!

For this past week, April 1 to April 5^th, my races were 10k and 5k. If you’re not able to run, 1 mile = 15 to 20 minutes of exercise. I’m using 20 minutes in my conversion because I’m also #Baking while I’m #SafeInside. Here’s how I got my miles:

10k = 6.2 miles

Running: 4.75 miles

Exercising: 29mins/1.45 miles

   [Math: 6.2mi – 4.75mi = 1.45mi; 1.45mi x 20min = 29mins]

5k = 3.1 miles

Running: 2.31 miles

Exercising: 16mins/0.79miles

    [Math: 3.1mi – 2.31mi = 0.79mi; 0.79mi x 20min = 15.8mins; round up to 16mins]

…and you know what, I’m feeling hella grateful. Because there is so much GRATITUDE, let me tell you about some of it (and more)!

1.   I get to do math yall! You know how much I like math. Yes, I’m still mad that growing up I did not know the story of Hidden Figures. I’m still hella bitter about that. I digress. The fact that I can run as far as I can safely, get back inside, and calculate the minutes I need to exercise to complete my race literally gives me an energy like none other. Like, I probably won’t run the full distance of any of these races this month JUST SO I CAN DO MATH. It’s that important to me.

2. I am connecting more online. Wasn’t that the purpose of social media anyway? I’m just realizing that I wasn’t using it to connect in real, intentional, and meaningful ways, until it was THE ONLY WAY I could reach some people. Being honest, I began feeling this when my sister moved to Shanghai to teach. I can connect with her via social media, WeChat, and her awesome blog. The fact that I can’t see her stresses me sometimes, especially when there’s a pandemic happening outside our windows. That stress is exponential knowing that even if I wanted to see people, it’s probably a bad idea because that asymptomatic impact is real. The stress decreases with every notification, virtual happy hour invite, and letter I write. Yes, I still handwrite letters and put stamps on them, and go to the Post Office.

3. I have always been kind to those now dubbed #EssentialWorkers, as my parents served in such capacities their whole lives. While I’m not grateful for our current circumstance, I am grateful that the importance of store clerks, custodial personnel, transportation providers, teachers, (etc) is being highlighted during this time. There is collective thanks and gratitude for their service, and an outpouring of love, respect, and support to them, just as we are (and should) our medical/health professionals. I just hope we keep this same energy when the world heals to ensure essential personnel receive essential pay.

4. Running has been such a powerful experience for me. Anytime I think of my time pounding the pavement, I think to my experience joining a Ragnar Team for Ragnar Hawaii (2016) #NotFastJustFurious. I had not met a single person physically, yet I flew to Hawaii, to join my team, and run around the big island. It hadn’t dawned on me that I traveled clear across the Pacific Ocean and didn’t technically know anyone until I was knocking on the hotel room door. In Hawaii. What is likely a cautionary tale about safety, turned out to be one of the best running and social experiences of my life. And here I go again… I don’t know none of yall, but I’m excited for the connections that come from this #PhysicallyDistantAndSocial experience!

5.    …and probably the source of my gratitude fueling this week – phone calls! My sleeping schedule has been off these past few weeks. So, when I got a video call Wednesday morning (4/1/20) I was soooo irritated. (the indignity!) It was my sister calling to tell me about my niece, to have me mediate on of their “spats” now that she, like many of you are WFH while distance learning with the kid(s). I answered but was VERY annoyed. As soon as I got off the phone, a friend called me, also WFH, to shoot the breeze during her “break” time. If not for those calls, I likely would have snoozed the alarm, and missed the opportunity to get up and get active. It just so happened that as I was finishing my miles, the creek trails started to get busy, which is what I wanted to avoid. What a blessing! I’m so grateful for all the human alarms in my life, waking me up, at just the right time!

This is tough. We have all adjusted, to differing degrees, to help #FlattenTheCurve. While I’m not as comfortable as I once was getting my miles in on the trails like I used to, I am so blessed, so grateful to be virtually connected to so many people around the world who are #StayingSafeInside and #BeingSafeOutside!

April 6^th – 12^th is about HOPE!

Join me! #virtually

Split A Piece of Wood (from the comfort of your home)

You likely thought I was going to talk about a splinter, hunh? Word on the street is, I sat on a wooden bench and got a splinter. In my backside. And had to figure a way to get it out that didn’t involve asking my Uncle. The last time he saw my backside, he was replacing a diaper. Neither one of us needed to experience him attending to my booty meat in the year of our Lord, 2020. Neither one of us. *you started singing too, didn’t you? come thruuuu mother gladys*

https://www.windowworldlexington.com/windows/sliding/

I’m writing to you on today, because I see that some people are still glad to be in the service at their church. I keep seeing these posts about places of worship and religiously affiliated associations looking for exemptions to the Shelter In Place directivers around the world, and the Physical Distancing #StaySocialTho #From6FeetOrMoreOrWiFi expectations set forth by literally every worldly governing body trying to keep you alive, in the wake of the pandemic. I know if you look out your window, you can’t see the pandemic, but just like the air, and the heavens above (to you believers) it’s there. It’s real.

My Daddie used to tell me that that good book you got over there (or on your phone) says when two or more are gathered in His name, Church can happen. I bet they needed to be in a specific building to do that back in the times of Jesus because the Pharisees were on him like gangs back in the 90s. They likely needed to come together too, in my Daddie’s growing up in the JimCrow South time (and the time before), because there were amerikkkans trying to be starting something with them. Those people found solace, safety, and salvation in the Lord’s House (that was built by men).

But in this time, in my time, and if you’re blessed to be reading this, your time too, the act of gathering hits a lil’different. We can literally come together from our physically distant homes. Be honest, DJ DNice’s #ClubQuarantine was everything! No? But you was jammin’ to Anthony Hamilton and laughing when he started yellin’ at his kids. And these make me choose battles? Teddy Riley and Babyface up next on #VERZUZ? It’s like naming a favorite kid from the world’s biggest stage with the loudest microphone.

Just think for a second. How did you feel? Were you alone? And, my God, did two or more like-minded souls gather?

Summa’yall used to think that Bedside Baptists weren’t getting the same blessings, and now look at you. That same God has made it so that you can praise in your wave caps, bonnets, and house shoes. Still get a word, on today. Still come together with the invention of wi-fi. Be blessed, in spite of (the whole pandemic outside your window).

I imagine those folks who think they need to come together using this gas (that’s also hittin’ like the 90s) to get the word, to receive the blessings, are thinking God is working in the former. But some of us aren’t foolish enough to think that God isn’t evolving with us. Frankly, all this stuff God’s anyway…well, it’s like both ours…but, you know. What if God wanted you to see that you were blessed enough to be in Church, in communion with people, every second of the day. That the fact that you could worship from the comfort of your home was a blessing. Perhaps God wanted you to know that when your car wasn’t working, or when you were really sick, you could have logged on from your phone and been praising and prophesying with the congregation. Just, maybe. ‘Cause honestly, if your place of worship is in 2020 with the rest of us, it’s likely streaming a message in real-time, or shortly after the conclusion of service. Or the same way you been watching television on YouTube or Facebook Live, about 50-11 million pastors been streaming a word that could have been for you.

Look, I can’t compel you to stay home. Just like I can’t convince you to not buy up all the toilet paper (c’mon fam, chill). I mean, look what it took for summa’yall to start washing your hands the right way (or at all, also, yall nasty)? It’s just, my heart is heavy about this dying world right now. I don’t like all yall, but I don’t want people dying like this, or worse, asymptomatically affecting others. ‘Cause I promise, if one of yall would have took my grandparents out before the Good Lord called them home, I was laying hands. And not holy ones…

But what was I saying?

I got this favorite movie. Well I have a lot of them that I really like, and depending on what I’m talking about, I’ll call it my favorite. Anyway, the movie – Stigmata. It’s about lost words, written by Jesus, the Christ, and not one of those disciples. An accounting in Jesus’ own words, by Jesus’ own hands. The Catholic Church is trying to keep the translated words a secret for fear those words would destroy the Church. That the message would tip the scales of power. That the people wouldn’t wait for the doors of the Church to open to access the Lord. What were those words?

…the Kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood…and I am there. Lift a stone…and you will find me…

Now I know these words (or something like them) are in places more religi’fied than that movie and this blog, but since summa’yall tried to buy plane tickets to Wakanda, work with me. Many Churches are maximizing 2020 using multiple virtual and #PhysicallyDistant medium to nuture believers and search for lost sheep. Now, I will leave you to connect the dots about some of those other “houses” of worship using government loopholes or inept government officials to encourage people to have their entire self, all the way outside during a global pandemic. ‘Cause it’s there.

I imagine the person sermonizing in your place of worship has sermonized about this sentiment – just like my Daddie. My Daddie told of us of a time where he called on the Lord as the Doctors took him into the operating room for surgery. Daddie said, his prayer consisted of one word, Jesus. Now, it might have been those smart ass doctors at Stanford, maybe it was Jesus, or some divine spirit working through them, but people die every day, and well, my Grandmama’s had been praying over my raggedly lil’ life for so long, I tend to believe a man when he says he prayed a prayer in faith. And his faith was returned to him exceedingly and abundantly.

Let me get back to this message so the choir can come up and sang another selection.

from the book, of FaceBook.

I just hope, these pastors haven’t convinced you that the only way to access the Lord, is to put your life in danger. I really hope, and pray, they haven’t convinced you to be unwise. ‘Cause whomever you’re praying to, that omnipresent being probably had something to say about foolishness and wisdom, in addition to the importance of gathering together. This is also a good time for you to look at yourself in the mirror and discuss just how devout you’ve been to all the other instructive information in that good book you got over there.

Also, when you potentially pass away from COVID-19 – because you keep going to Church when the Center for Disease Control & World Health Organization is actually, verbatim, telling you to Chill, fam – you won’t have a funeral or memorial service because well, while the doors of your Church might be open on Sunday, them people who got the body over there won’t be releasing your remains. Because, wisdom. And safety. And, well…

There. Is. A. Whole. Global. Pandemic. Outside. Your. Window.

And just in case you need a little more convincing. Do as my little sister, in Shanghai, who been #SafeInside waaaay longer than the rest of us, do what she told our other little sister to do: Just let that play let that play in the background while you’re cooking or cleaning.

Pray safe inside.

Some of us have summer birthdays.

Adult Supervision Required or Cookies.Rule.Everything.Around.Me. The End.

<< How this sad ass story begins. smh.

I’m glad I’m not really high or anything. Once I make these noodles and the science happens in my stomach with the salt and the drugs, I will be better again. *begins to cook on a gas stove that you have to light with matches* OMG I SMELL GAS. I wonder if I can figure out the chemical equation for what’s happening cooking this food on a gas stove. *water boils* Who put bubbles in there? Science is awesome. Look at the air escaping.

https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/trisha-yearwood/snickerdoodles-recipe-2041594

You have to wonder why, of all the food items, I made the hardest thing considering my emotional, mental, and physical state. I decided against foods that need no preparation, because when you are on drugs, raw food won’t help. Your food has to be manipulated and prepared in order for you to get well again. I knew that the leftovers were out because of all the radiation from microwaves. The radiation would have an exponential reaction inside me because of all the THC in my system thereby stopping the pacemaker in my heart that I don’t have, so that’s a negative ghostrider.

Somehow these noodles get made. I honestly can’t tell you what happened between the bubbles, escaped air, and bowl. I also have not burned the house down, which is rather remarkable because I love fire. Also, this is a great time to note that my sisters and I burned down a whole stove and half a kitchen, so this is a real possible thing that I am more than qualified to do. Anyway, I made it from the kitchen to my room, to my bed. I am on the bed. The bowl is in my hand. The fork is in the other hand stabbing the air particles between me and the TV because Matt Damn is still on and I realize that I hate him. But I don’t hate him too much because, Good Will Hunting. We both really like doing math for fun because of what our intelligence does to the mathematically incompetent. It amuses us. But that’s it. That’s the only redeeming thing on Earth about him.

I finally begin eating and stop – almost instantly. Yooooo, I’m like eating in HD right now. I can feel the chemical compounds. Like the ions and everything. All the complex sugars. All the hypertensive salts. The electrons are waging war on each other and I can taste it all. I need to document this because nobody will believe me. They must know what I have achieved this day in the name of science. *looks for a pen and old o-chem lab notebook*

*an actual moment of real clarity* I’m high as a kite atop Mount Everest in July. This is the worst thing I’ve ever done. Dear God, please let me forget this. I will never aga--- *high resumes*

I’m doing more air math, while composing a hypothesis for what happens to the human body while eating in HD and watching a movie in HD. Another movie has come on – finally – and I’ve had two outfit changes. Apparently, I cannot decide if I am overdressed or underdressed for being high. Because that’s something that has a dress code.

HALF HOUR LATER. I think I ate crack. I am taking off clothes, putting clothes on, getting in the bed under the covers, laying down trying to go to sleep, getting back up, and taking off clothes again, in this vicious cycle. I count at least ten times doing this. Each time before I get back up, I say to myself, This is the last time, it’s gonna work. Only I don’t know what is broken or what needs to work. Are they different or the same? I should call my friend. I need help. She will understand this *neck scratch* she’s the only one who can understand it. I should call her.

Are you crazy?!?! Then the police will know where the drugs came from! You know the game don’t wait for snitches – stitches do. If I drop a dime on her, who is gonna be left to put money on my books? I should read more. I mean I read a lot, but some of my favorite books are in storage and I don’t wanna buy duplicates. I could stand a trip to Barnes & Noble. There is nothing noble about what I have done today. I am going to die.

WAIT! I got it!!! In Bad Boys II, Martin took drugs accidentally, too. Even though they were different drugs, they were drugs taken by accident, so this line of logic still works. Keep going. Also, drink water from a vase with flowers in them. Keep going. He got in the tub and took a cold shower, so his head wouldn’t explode (*smirks* but his other one might… Call Theresa…lol). KEEP. GOING. They called a poison control lady. YES. Drugs are poison. YES. This will work. But on the off chance I’m poison(ed) like BBD I’m as good as done for because I have a big butt and a smile. Since BBD wasn’t on the movie soundtrack, I think I’m good. This will work. I will un-high myself. I wonder if I will have to get a sponsor and go to NA meetings now?

What was I doing? *ten minutes later*

Shower. In the shower, I realize that I’ve made a mess of things. Not because I’ve gotten in the cold shower, but I’m naked like in normal showers. I’m not supposed to be naked because in the movie Martin had on a visor, tank top, boxers, and socks. I controlled for the wrong variables. FCUK – THERE IS AN OUTFIT FOR BEING ON DRUGS! This too hard a burden to bear, Lord. I need a terry cloth robe too. What have I done? I should get out of the shower. When the police come, I don’t want them to find my naked winter body freezing in the tub. Someone might put ice in here and take my kidneys. I hope our blood types are different and their work is all in vain. Assholes.

Speaking of, this vein in my head is throbbing. Must be the electricity from the synapses in my brain. That’s totally normal, never mind. I can just feel them now because I’m unplugged from the Matrix. I should rest because that’s what Neo did after he got back from seeing the Oracle for the last time.

POST●ish PARANOIA (if you can even call it that). There is no way I can go to work. I’m not high as Mount Kilimanjaro bound kites in January anymore but I am as high as one of those packages on the shelves I can’t reach. I decide that I cannot go to work in my condition because I am not really sure where I work. I can see the 3D google map in my head, but my legs aren’t moving. I feel blood circulating, so I’m still alive. This is just not okay. So, I somehow type the longest out of the office manifesto in email because you have to not explain that the reason you are not coming to work is because you are high and seeing dead people on mountains with kites. Yo, WTF did I eat? There are no signs of this condition fading – I’m just faded. As I closed my laptop, the fold on my towel became undone. I have slept on top of my made-up messy bed, in a towel, with one sock on.

I reiterate to Jesus how much I do not want to remember any of this, and I drift off to sleep. I wake up the next day around the time this whole misadventure in snickerdoodle’ing began. I have a ton of missed calls and text messages. Like, how did I not hear any of the notifications – there were so many, and the phone was near my ear (don’t ask me how). Did I go out last night? What was I drinking? Maybe I should look in my purse for receipts to see where I’ve been and what I done. This is a work day – why am I not at work? I say to myself aloud, That’s the name of it! Escape From L.A.! Did I watch that movie last night? He was in Executive Decision, too. Awww, Halle Berry…

I laid there trying to figure out why Kurt Russell was even on my mind. Or Matt Damon. Why am I thinking about him when I hate him so much? Wait? I hate Matt Damon? I wake myself to a seated position and transition my feet from the bed to the hardwood floor. I feel the softness and coldness of the wood. I begin to weep gently, looking down at my feet. I have on one sock – one sock only.

I remember every single thing.

Also, an entire year passed before I ate another snickerdoodle, so there’s that.

Adult Supervision Required or Cookies.Rule.Everything.Around.Me. The Beginning...

I stand in constant need of (prayer and) adult’ish supervision.

Okay, so this one time, I was on my way to visit a friend after work. She had not made it home just yet, so I went to her house anyway because I don’t believe in traditional manners or decorum and she has young adult’ish aged kids, so it’s technically not trespassing if someone invites you in. Like I was saying, her eldest daughter greeted me. My mom will be home soon, come in. I can’t wait. Like not at all. Yassss! I can’t wait I need some roasted broccoli like ASAP. You would think that a dish requiring only three ingredients would be easily replicated. But my friend, that Black girl’s mama, she got that magic flick of the wrist like #SaltBae. She seasons the broccoli with the exact amount of hypertension adjacency with the fury of twelve great auntie’s smiling upon us from the afterlife. Let’s just call her #BroccoliBae. Also, I will outsource any task because I believe in letting experts do what they do best. Like put gas in your car. Thanks New Jersey. Also, my apologies for that one time when I well…you know what I did. I ain’t even know.

Anyway, my friend hadn’t made it there yet, but these munchies were right on time. So, I’m rummaging through the kitchen for anything to snack on. This is why I keep Target fruit snacks in my purse – but the way my snack cravings had been set up, I didn’t have time to re-up my purse stash. Negro. I say to myself in my head. Are those snickerdoodles? I think my heart skipped a beat. Bruh, them joints is homemade. Grab that container right now. Hell yeah. Jack they asses for the cookies. They won’t even notice they’re gone until it’s too late.

Now, with the container under my arm and a cookie in hand, I’m about to get that work. I take a bite of the most delicious, the most buttery sweetness trapped in a cookie (I’m exaggerating, but I was hungry so that joint was hella good) as I walk into the living room with the colonized container. My friend’s daughter has this look on her face that was worried with a hint of anxiousness. As she should be. I’m about to eat all of these cookies.

Well, she actually looks really concerned. Also, she is reaching out towards me so that’s weird. I wonder what’s wrong, but not enough to stop eating. OMG noooo, you can’t eat that much. They’re not regular cookies. I’m confused because it looks and tastes like a regular cookie. Why not? They taste just fine. That response did not appease her. You’re not supposed to eat that much. It has THC in it – like, you know, edibles. You’re only supposed to eat like a fourth of it. Now I’m starting to see what was troubling her. But again, this is not enough to actually infect me with her worry. Anyway, who eats a fourth of a cookie? But I ate almost all of it already. What should I do? Should I just finish it? These are important questions to help me determine whether or not I should worry. I’m also still kinda hungry which is why we are gathered here today. Uh… Meaning, probably not, but who am I to put words in her mouth when I put the wrong cookie in mine. I’m not batting a thousand at the moment. I also don’t heed good advice when I’m hungry. Yolo *shrug*. I mean, I’ve gone this far, so I minuswhale.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/575897871092527455/

The whole cookie was gone. It wasn’t that big in the first place. Like what harm could one little homemade cookie do? It was the size of those cookies you get at Miss Fields, the tiny ones! Okay, it was a little bigger, but on the scale of Miss Fields to Pizzokie, it was maybe one of the larger small cookies you got from Miss Fields that made you feel like you got more for your money than you were supposed to get so you feel like you got over.

Wait a minute. Yoooo, I just ate drugs. Like what the hell? Should I stay or should I go home? What’s the protocol? I ate drugs in my friend’s house. I haven’t eaten dinner. I wonder if drugs react badly to an empty stomach. I should go home, hunh? I feel like her daughter knew that I was asking myself a lot of questions in my head, because she was like, I don’t know what time my Mom will be home. I think she’s getting here soon though. I couldn’t wait that long because I ate drugs, so I should probably be where I live before they kick in. I should be in a safe place. This means I need to get in the car and go home now. I’m okay. I should be okay. BUT *finger raised* in the off chance that I am not okay, I should be safe. That’s right – safe is the safe word of the day. Remember it.

I made it home, rather quickly. Thankfully, Bay Area traffic knew that this was a code red and we needed to get the chains off[1] the highway doors. I made it home in record time. I go through my whole home routine too, because I am not on drugs yet. I just have them in me like a drug mule. My stomach enzymes are maybe on drugs though. Shoes off. Bra off (unlatched expertly with one hand and then pulled though the arm opening of my shirt). Work clothes off. Lounging clothes on. Work on the nightstand. Laptop on. TV on. Check the mail. Yo, I am really gonna kick this drug thing before it even sets in. I am so proud of myself. I am delightfully not impacted by the drugs I accidentally ate. My body is a fortress. A strong and mighty tower. A pillar of strength.

ONE HOUR LATER. What the fcuk was I about to do? *scratches head in confused* I have been sitting at the edge of the bed like in one of those pictures where you can’t tell if the person is coming or going. There is no shadow so you’re gonna need to look for other clues. Was I about to get up or sit down? I haven’t committed to either direction. I literally have no idea what I was about to do, but Matt Damon is getting on my nerves in this stupid ass movie. What is it about anyway and why is it taking them so long to get that little girl in the damn machine and cure her advanced H1N1 or whatever disease they have a cure for but don’t give to people because capitalism protects itself at all costs? Where is Dave Chappelle’s wrap it up box when you need it? This movie is like a mash up of Johnny Neumonic and that Kurt Russell movie. What was the name of it again? Yeah, I remember I thought that movie was the sh!t back then – Johnny Neumonic, not that Kurt Russell joint. Man, a lot of movies back in the day did that whole mind/virtual reality thing before Samsung was out here scaring people’s grandmas. There was Total Recall, Virtuosity, Strange Days. Wait, damn like we were #BlackLivesMatter before we were #BlackLivesMatter. The police straight up killed a Black rapper, there was a riot, and Angela Bassett was on the front line. She is the Auntie we don’t deserve.

ANOTHER HOUR PASSED. Oh, I think I was hungry. That’s right. I ate drugs, I should eat something that isn’t drugs. Oh yeah – food. Is that movie still on? It’s so strange. Like that Math 32A midterm. How did I get #3 wrong? *begins to use finger and write in the air (like Daddie) in the room to figure out where I effed up on that math problem* Ahh, that makes sense now. I took that L, but I won’t keep it. I’ll bounce back. They won’t get me the next time. *continues to do more advanced calculus from 10+ years ago in the air* Food! EAT FOOD! You are a drug addict now. You have to remember to eat. This is also known as paranoia. We have arrived fully and completely. I am in that place now. I was also supposed to remember a word. I have no idea what that word is. It was really important to my safety. Pineapples! That’s it. I don’t think we have any in the house. Dammit.

Okay. This is a kitchen. Checklist? Window R(check). Stove R(check). Sink R(check). Counter R(check). Stove R(check). Shelves R(check). Dishes R(check). Refrigerator R(check). Food R(check). There were a lot of rooms in this place. You made it to the right one on the first try. I am so proud of you. Now that we are certain this is a kitchen, let’s get started. On the counter there is wheat bread. Oh snap, I forgot the small table. I gotta add that to the checklist next time. There are crackers, chips, cookies, and fruit. In the refrigerator there is cheese, leftovers, salami, and more fruit. In the freezer there are microwavable meals and ice cream. THERE IS NOTHING TO EAT IN THIS HOUSE. I HATE IT HERE! WHO LIVES LIKE THIS? I saw a pack of noodles from the corner of my eye. That’s perfect! The high salt content in the noodles will attack the drugs and make me sober? Less high? What’s the word for that? Un-high? Re-normalized? Stabilized?

The exciting conclusion…lol. >>

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[1] Lean On Me. PG-13. Drama/Action. March 1989.