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| They shop together too. #RideOrDie #FoLifeAndAfterlife |
A friend inquired of selected women
living single for their wisdom on a matter. On a matter in which they have the
intellectual rights and insanity.
Singledoom(dom)(whatever, yo).
She was trying to figure just why a single woman chooses (my interpretation, not her word) against active dating and
other forms of the proverbial putting one’s self
out there. Why would single woman do all the things to, well, stay single.
One answer is obvious: She wants to be single.
But the second one is the more accurate response of the sample of
single women from which I pulled none of this empirical data: She doesn’t know.
She has some suspicions because, well, she’s been herself for her
entire life, but most single women cannot really pinpoint it, or answer that
question in a way that takes the sting, the shock, the stun out of it. Because
when the conversation is over, you’re going home to your commitment, and she’s
going home to her, um…darkchocolate.
I did not realize the real answer to my friend’s inquiry until I
wrote it. It paused my heart a spell. Most single women spend a good portion of
their mental and physical energy defending their Singledoom(dom) (whatever,
yo), to the point where, one might suffocate from the lack of air.
Most committed people with single friends cannot understand the
lack of attachment because their friend is great – stunningly so. And the lack
of attachment stuns the friend so.
In the event you have an amazing friend who’s single, here are
five (5) things you can do to un-single her. #kinda #sorta
#Well,OnWednesdaysAtHappyHourForSure
STOP: Checking In With “Him”
You wanna know why
this annoys me so? Not because there is a …him… in my phone that I’m 99.9% over with…it’s because THERE IS A …him… LITERALLY IN MY
PHONE THAT I’M 0.01% NOT OVER WITH! OMG! And here you go: I need to call “him”
and let’em know I’m going to be late. Oh, I told “him” that I’d pick up his dry
cleaning, can we make a stop. Gurl, you won’t believe what he said to me last
night after we said our prayers together cause that’s what we do…
Listen, I am
literally always one …him… away from a mental breakdown. Don’t be the reason I jump off the
cliff into the abyss of Singledoom(dom) (WHATEVA, YO!). I know you got a man. I saw
the vacation pictures, they were beautiful! I was five pews behind yall in
Church last Sunday because I got there late and my favorite seat was gone. I
saw him two cars up holding up in the line at Chick-Fil-A with your complicated
order…that made me late to work. I’m your friend, I love you, and I am going to
celebrate every happy moment of your relationship with you, because I love you.
But I ain’t got nobody but me and these expensive ass
shoes I spend my money on. So can we
celebrate that sometimes too? #NoYouCantWearThem
START: Planning Events With Her, Regularly
I have mourned the
loss of dear friends to relationships. And when they got married I thought I
would spend more time with them. Then they had babies. And I had to let those
friendships go, and remake them into something else. Because they have
children, and I’m a godmother/auntie/overall bad example now, and committed
people hang out with other forms of committed people. And coming by unannounced
with a hangover is frowned upon. And hurts.
I own what I did
and didn’t do in the maintenance (or lack of) those relationships. And I harbor no ill will. I did what I
thought was right, and stepped aside un-begrudgingly. It seemed the classy
thing to do, to not vie for the attention. To accept the time would have to be
divided between a ring and a uterus – without giving said friend a choice in
the matter. I chose for them.
Meet your single
friend halfway. Commit to her with your time by doing what you do in your
relationship and with your children, if you got the lil tax write-offs bundles of joy. Give her a day, a
reoccurring event, a special time of the year, something she can count on from
you. That you will commit to, that will be hers, and hers alone. She’ll cherish
it. If you suggest it, she’ll probably plan it, and use that disposable income
on it!depression Ben & Jerry’s
Half Baked sometimes run over…so there’s that.
Quit Announcing That You’re Taken
We are happy for
you. Really, we are. So much so, we’ve still decided to be your friend even
though you’ve attached yourself to someone else. And we have taken this thing a
step further and gone out to a social gathering with you. Do us a favor, keep
your “boo thang” to yourself!
Look, your single
friend is dealing with some real issues. She is probably in the minority if
she’s out with you somewhere. If she’s me, she’s usually the only one with no
viable “situation” to even lie about long enough to make it through the night.
So when that attractive man bravely approaches the group, give her a chance to
at least think she can be great, mmkay?
Yes, how rude of
him. He came all the way over here and he couldn’t pick out the ONE single
friend in the hoard of women. Yea, she probably she should have went out
somewhere on her own to actively meet a man, but she’s trying to spend some
quality time with her girlfriends and he walked over here anyway, to NOT ask
her for her number.
…and what do you
do? Announce to the entire room that you gotta man! You know, I finally
realized why they wrote that damn song. Your man ain’t got nothing to do with him right now. Your man is getting in the way of you redirecting the
conversation to your single friend in a way that has this man thinking SHE was
the person he came over here to talk to.
You just selfish.
Send Her Some Mail.
If life doesn’t
insult the single woman enough, it sure as hell remembers to injure her weekly.
I have moved five (5) times in my adult life. And I have received wedding
invitations and birth announcements to every single one of those addresses. My
ring finger and my uterus are both bare. And one day, if the Lord says
something about it, that will change.
But the mailman
came today. And he brought me bills, bills,
bills. And the invitation to your wedding. That I will send the RSVP
back to, without a +1 because well, I’m just 1.
Help her out! Send
her a card. A small token of love. A sign of appreciation for her listening to
your relationship highs and lows (which she does because she loves you, and you do the same). Something that will remind her of the day you both became
friends. It might just save her night.
…and whatever you
do, don’t sign it from us! Send her something FROM YOU!
Accept It.
She has not
accepted it, perhaps. But you can. You are in a good (decent?
balanced? okay?) place in your life, with your relationship, and all the wonderful
beings genetics helped you to create. She might be there. She might be
underneath the bottle of wine you gifted her. Either way, she needs to know
that you love her, just as she is; and most importantly that her being single
isn’t indicative of anything but that.
She’s Single.
She’s not dead or unattractive. She might actually be ready and open for the
potential of commitment and the joys of sharing half the bed with something
other than a hoard of pillows. #ThisIsNotMyLife #StopLookingAtMe
But you don’t work
for eHarmony or Paul C. Brunson. So accept it. And buy the first round at Happy Hour.
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I have spent the better (or otherwise) part of my adult life as
single. I wrestle with that fact most days. I have quieted the voices in my
life that tell me I am such a wonderful person and cannot understand how life could so cruelly
leave me alone. I am waiting for them to return to me with loving acceptance that this is who we are, and that's okay.
I did try the duo thing. A few times. I did my best. I messed up
though. I made mistakes. Assumed when I should have just asked. Spoke when I
should have quieted myself with the silence in my mind. Not forgiven so
quickly. Been more grateful for the moment. Took less pictures. I believed in
things that weren’t real. Questioned the right things for the wrong reasons.
Held on not so tight. And I should have kept every one of those songs I loved
to myself. It all happened anyhow.
And I’m here. Just a “1”. And your friend is too. Waiting for a
person who used to make her a “2”. That was you.
It is not your fault that she’s single anymore than it’s her fault
that you’re not. Neither of you can do anything about the other. Just don’t
make her defend her just one status. If you only get one thing right, let it be that.
…and the drink order. Get that right.
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