Well, I did not forget. I
actually registered myself and my child that ALWAYS GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! I
mean, it’s another state and a Christmas themed race! We are going to Jingle
Our Bells for a great cause! Medals!!!
At least that’s what she led
me to believe when she text me about the race options in Seattle. I should have
known she didn’t read the fine print. Medals for those the runners who place in
their age group, and uh, yall know my life. You’ve been reading the blog. There’s
none of that.
But we registered anyway. It’s
all in good fun.
…and that was the extent of
what we did. I don’t know, but something about this one always gave me the feeling
that it wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want to admit that though. No medals.
Registered a couple of weeks before the race. No packet pick up option #MailOnly. Did
not receive my packet in the mail before my flight (with
my bib and timing chip)…or
race tee. And nothing about the three days spent before the race had anything
to do with the fact that at some point we were going to run/walk/drag our butts
3.1 miles.
And oddly enough, I am okay
with it. Sure I would love to be able to say I got another running event in, in
another state. That would have made for a great blog post. I mean, you already
think I’m the most amazing person you know…that would have just made me like,
like, like Jesus’ Administrative Assistant. I woulda been great yo. Filing
blessings and taking yalls’ prayer messages.
But it wasn’t meant for me. If
the running has taught me anything, it’s that I am going to miss the mark. It’s
that every challenge isn’t mine to overcome the first time around. And above
all, no matter the outcome, if you show up again the next day, something better
might be there.
The night before the race I
just knew we were going to run, my baby girl that ALWAYS GOT SOMETHING TO SAY
and I sat around a cheese tray eating grapes and drinking some awesome concoction
that I came up with. I’m like a bartender. And by bartender, I mean, I know how
to find a bar, and I tend to get things while I’m there.
She picked at a couple of my
emotional scars. And she is persistent…just like her hood mommie. She would not
let up. Not in a badgering way either. Just in a I love
you, but you are going to answer this question and talk about this ish with me kind
of way #SheWasRaisedRight
#SheWasTaughtWell #YoureWelcomeWorld. She definitely has that way
about her. I had to admit some feelings I never anticipated ever sharing, especially
with her.
There are things you don’t
tell your kids. At least not while they’re kids. No parent ever wants their
kids to know how hard life can be. Parents spend their lives (parents
worth anything, anyway)
making life as easy and as wonderful and as beautiful as they can for their
kids. Life can get real shitty real quick, and it will, if you keep on living.
So for me and my kids, they got every happy anything I could manufacture in
Conway, Arkansas, and I kept all the rest for me. Right or wrong, it was my
choice, and mine alone to understand.
It’s just that my kids aren't kids anymore. So it’s
time to let some of it go. And to do that, I have to give something up.
Crying,
tortured, wishing on some four leaf clover, to free you from the chains that
bind you, fleeing from yourself…
In
time you'll figure out, we search our whole lives, to seek what's inside, we
run but can't hide…
Begging
strangers to try, to shield us from pain, hoping we'll change, but it stays the
same…
Why
do you defeat you? Let the past mistreat you? You don't wanna let it go…
No
one else can help you, only you can free you, but you gotta let it go, let it
go…
Vicious
circle, frozen by the fears that lurk, you'll wind up in the place you run to,
find you've lost your way…
But
in time you'll figure out, we search our whole lives, to seek what's inside, we
run but can't hide…
Begging
strangers to try, to shield us from pain, hoping we'll change, but we remain in the game…
Why
do you defeat you? Let the past mistreat you? You don't wanna let it go…
No
one else can help you, only you can free you, but you gotta let it go, let it
go.
I’ll get that 19th
race one of these years. Perhaps even an 18th medal. Just not this
one. This year I got something better. I got a little bit closer to freedom. #ItFeelsDivine
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