I see these posts all the time
because, well, internets yo. They are everywhere. I mean, you expect them in
your healthy lifestyle and fitness groups but they seem to pop up everywhere.
And I suppose it is something to celebrate. You changed. Maybe you didn’t get
any dough, but you changed, you changed, and that’s awesome. Especially if it’s
the change you were wanting, right?
Because, weighing less is the
goal. If you’re Sarah Jenks,
you weigh less so you can live more. If you’re some of the other people I’ve
seen in these innane
If you’re me, you….do your
best to scroll right on by. No hate, no judgement, just a scroll. When you’re
me, you’re not secure enough in yourself to post a picture of you weighing
more, next to a picture of you weighing less. Because the less you weigh isn’t
enough, even if your baby mama in Florida thinks you’re everything now…(not
that you weren’t before, but…well…less)...yes, that’s your reality. But,
not really. Your reality? You’re still afraid of scales. Sure you
bought one because it was purple, but you don’t ever actually use it.
#LawdDontSlideToTheRightAnymoreThanYouAlreadyDo
And if you’re me, you know the
transformation on the inside is nothing like the one on the outside. Because
where you’ve lost the most weight, most people will never see. So it’s hard to
participate because you don’t have a before and after of that for your picture collage.
I don’t hold my
humanity against myself like I used to. Oh my
goodness, I was so hard on myself. I took the whole “two people playing a role”
in a conflict thing to the extreme. I always knew it was my fault, and I always
spent way too much time trying to figure out not just what I did wrong, but the
long exhaustive list of all the things I did wrong - because, I’m a terrible
people who constantly makes mistakes though she really wants to be perfect. I’m
that person who gave herself a hard time for being human, regularly. But,
conversely, forgave people because they were flawed, cause that's the condition of humanity. But somehow not my condition. See where I'm going with this. I’m a mess. I’m still a
mess I suppose…but one that weighs less.
I just don’t
anymore.
And if you really know me, like my best friend, then you know what that means.
I just won’t, and I don’t feel any kind of way about it. There was a time when I
wouldn’t, and it would eat me up inside. How could I not show up? I was
invited. All of my friends will be there, and I’m the only one defecting. You’ve
always done it. You’ve always been there. It’s the “right” thing to do. I have
learned the hard way that I don’t have to, and that’s okay. And the longer I
allow other people’s perceptions of/reactions to my decisions to impact me, the
longer I am going to be unhappy. If I don’t want to show up, I won’t – and won’t
feel any kind of way about it. If I want to go alone, I’ll get one ticket to
the show, and enjoy SF Jazz all by myself.
I understand
choice better than I once did. I don’t always get it
immediately, but it becomes clear to me much sooner than before – which has
been evident in the conversations I’ve been having with people. We, me especially,
spend so much time attempting to understand the choices of others. How could he
hurt me? Why is she being so mean to me? Why is he doing this to me? How can
she treat me this way? Why is he being so petty #SeemsLikeYaPetty? What is wrong with her? We have
questions that need answers, right? Or, at least we think we need the answers. I told
you about the Untelling. That’s hard for sure. But these are questions that
have nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you. Mostly because you have a choice. You
can decide to give this life, or nah. You can choose to understand who you are
and how you made decisions to end up in the places you’ve been, or nah. You can choose to understand your choices
better and make them with authority the next time. Why do you care to know the answers to
these questions if it’s over? Once I realized that was the most important
question I never asked myself…then figured out my answer…my choices became easier to make. And a little easier to understand.
I do things
for me, just because. I know, that sounds crazy,
right? Don’t most people do things for themselves? Yea, I’m not most people,
and the answer is no, I really didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I will go get myself
shoes just because the sky is where it always is, but that isn’t something that
I was doing for me, for my internal happiness. But something for me, just
because I’m me? Gurl, nah. Nope. I have such incredible guilt for doing
something for myself. It feels selfish…and Lord knows the
baggage I carry around because of that word. Oddly enough, the running is what
helped me get to this place. Singing up for a running event is a terribly
individual thing. You choose it. You input all your information. You show up.
You do it. You get your medal. That’s it. Nobody else gets any of the glory. No
one else’s medical information goes on the back of the race bib. And the number
on the front? All you. So, without knowing most times, if any of my friends
will be there, I sign up for a race. Most times, a friend or two will be there, but
sometimes it’s just me. And that’s awesome too. I’m worth it.
Good grief I’ve transformed.
And God willing, I’m never going back. Everything about this new me is strange,
but strange isn’t bad. It’s hard, challenging, different, and a little weird –
but it feels so good. It’s even heavy sometimes.
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