eventually

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eventually [e·ven·tu·al·ly / əˈven(t)SH(əw)əlē] adverb: bruh, my dude, anything that feels that good has got to happen again…now when it happens, i’on’even know, but it’s gonna happen…trust and believe that…we’re going to do that again…but...

I

 didn’t realize I was waiting. How crazy is that? To be actively not waiting, but deep down on the inside feeling like you’re stuck on repeat, Christmas morning. That moment when you wake up, sit in front of the Christmas tree, figuring out where all your presents are, being careful not to touch any of them, because even though Daddie & Mommie didn’t put them there, Santa told them how he placed them, so they’ll know – and if you touch one, you’re gonna get it. Then you hear from depths of the hallway, your parents approaching, looking back, but body facing forward, just waiting to catch their eyes – to get that look, so Christmas can be begin. As soon as you look up to see them, you wake up in your bunk bed to start all over. The repeated loop of a time that hasn’t happened yet.

But you’re sitting there. Marveling at the multi-colored lights waiting.

What is it about getting older and getting some of the things you want, but needed someone else’s cooperation (read: flight confirmation) to have the rest of that crap you’re hopelessly after?

I need it yo. *looks left/right for ‘lost in time’ fix* *neck scratch*

When you asked Mom "when" she was taking you to Disneyland.

It’s the perfect place for him. He gets to figure it out in his own time. And he’s got plenty of that because eventually is the deadline for eventually. Like legit, when it happens, he won’t be late getting to it at all.

It’s the perfect predicament for me. Life is happening all around me. It’s interesting, it’s entertaining, it’s funny, and it’s probably as random as you could not think it would be. All these moments happening, and I want to save some for him. But you can’t save for eventually. You can’t hold on to the awesomely awful thing that happened on the train because eventually something else will happen while you’re waiting on eventually to get here. And you’ll want to tell him about that thing.

Told you. Loop. Repeat.

But there is an upside. You learn to live. Not in the way he taught you in that first lesson. But in a way that builds upon those foundational pieces. When you sit there (figuratively) waiting and watch that awesome thing pass because you refused to moved, you get sad.

Okay, first you get mad – because you didn’t think it was time yet, but you were waiting just in case. Because you remember all those times you were waiting for the bus/train and you left right before it arrived, and it ended up taking you longer because you weren’t being patient enough…so you wait dammit. But, this time you weren’t supposed to wait. You were supposed to leave.

Then you realize, much like insurance, you are going to pay a lot more into it than you get out of it, right? There will be sooooo many more sunny days than rain clouds. And you would have wasted that beautiful sunshine underneath an umbrella looking down the tracks to see if the train was ton the way #HeIsntComingToday. You could have been looking up into the glory of God’s creation. And smiling about that.

Eventually he will get here. And you’ll have the time of your life. You’ll be able to add a few more chapters to all this. Define some new ish.

…like that baby you both spoke of.

 Or, eventually you’ll realize that all that waiting was in vain. And you’ll be able to define some other ish. And perhaps you will learn the real lesson he was (not even) trying to teach you.

Eventually will eventually get here – whether you wait on it or not. Crazy how the universe works out that way, right? Conspiring against your non-sensically-thinking self.

The real conundrum though: will you eventually forgive yourself for all the waiting you’ve done and have yet to do? Or will you eventually get on with it? 

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