(new)normal

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(new)normal [(new)nor·mal / (no͞o)nôrməl] noun: a clumsy haphazard (re)stabilization of your life after the post-traumatic experience of engaging fully, life first into it and being completely logical through something that was never meant for much logic and since you knew that, you did it anyway because you don’t decide stuff too good, so now you have to get your life…again.

I

 make bad decisions bro. Really bad decisions. Well, that’s not completely true. How can any of this be bad? It felt wonderful. It feels wonderful to be reminded of it. The fleeting thoughts of it leave me in the most rapturing wonder. Everything about this was what it was supposed to be. That should be enough. When all about you, things have fallen apart, this one thing didn’t break. No cracks. Not even a scratch or a smudge. Sure, it doesn’t look the way you wanted, but c’mon bruh! He’s smiling in the selfie WITH you for the love of Jessica Simpson heels!!!
 

How could you want anything more?

Bless God for that, right? No? Maybe?!?! See!!! If it has to be temporary, or fleeting, or sporadic, can it just be good (to me)? It is well. Well, until it’s not well – I be oscillating between my feelings.
 

I’m okay though. Besides, too much other wonderful is happening. Seeing old friends via conference travels to awesome places. Networking with colleagues (read: hoping I bump into that cute guy again – not like i’ll know what to say, but…bump, because, well…awkward). Jesus! I’m so awkward! How is that even possible?!
 

Music is all about me (for always). Live shows at SF Jazz have been giving me every inch of my righteous (and ratchet) life. I mean, each and every inch.
 

I even managed a few #MedalMondays. And a half marathon PR! #MyGodIsShowingOut
 

Perhaps it’s not just this. It may all be me. See, I thought I burned that wedding dress. You know, the one I never decided on, wore, and danced in. Those pictures were hella never cute, because I didn’t take any. I was convinced I let go of all I was supposed to have because – right? No? Maybe?!?! See!!!
 

Like, even though I made some poor choices, I got the ones that really counted right? #SisterOfTheProdigalDaughterTypeThinking… I did the really important ones just as I was supposed to – perfect scores. I seriously believed that. Not in my complete perfection, but, partial perfection? Yup. Nailed it. It was supposed to happen already. It is supposed to be happening to me right now. I am supposed to be happy – exactly as I envisioned it!

Okay, perhaps I got carried away. #PutsFireDown

 

*le sigh* It never happens as it should.

I’m sure I burned that dress. I was so sure I did. Like positive. I hella love fire #ItsAlwaysLeoSeason. I think I just forgot to sweep up the ashes and dust. I was too busy trying to get some other life lost in the matrix, I never minded to clean up my own life in the real world. So this perpetual allergy-feelings-attack keeps coming back.

 

Pass me the Swiffer and Clorox wipes…and a few of those tissues. Let me get this done before the next show starts. I don’t want to miss my train. #ExpresToSF

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